How to stop missing him

[avocadogreen]

I don't know if anyone remembers my other thread from a couple of weeks ago... discovered my H has been seeing someone from work.

He has moved out, despite my pathetic attempts at reconciliation he claims he has been unhappy for 6 years.

It was such a bolt from the blue. And because, in my eyes, the relationship was fine, I thought we were happy, I just miss him so much. Every time I sit on the sofa in the evening I can't believe he is not here sitting with me, taking the piss out of masterchef contestants or lining up the next breaking bad. Every time I take a photo of the kids on my phone I want to send it to him. I keep having flashback memories to when the DC were younger thinking was he unhappy then? Was all this real? It sounds dramatic but it's almost like he's died. My lovely husband has gone and I'm left with this awful one who claims to be in love with a 30 year old.

So what's the solution? Do I try to just eradicate all the good memories and focus on creating new ones? Try and hate him? Try and accept that it was a good relationship once, but life moves on? Or just drink more wine?

[lavenderhoney]

What a tosser.

Don't drink more wine:) photos - well, you could start an album for the dc, online or a proper old fashioned one with captions. They will love looking through it, plus it has the added bonus of dh being able to look through it to see what a great time you all have without him. Don't let him have it though. That's for the dc to fight over a long way from today:)

I can only suggest doing something different in the evenings if that's your trigger- bath and reading instead, for instance. Or planning every single weekend with/ without the dc until end of summer. Ensure your divorce will go ok and you get proper financial support. Ring your friends or email them. Think about redecorating your bedroom. Go on Pinterest for ideas, that kind of thing.

Its only a couple of weeks btw. You are expecting a lot from yourself. And remember- he's rewritten history to make it acceptable to him. Make sure friends and family support you by leaning on them and encourage your dc to talk to you, family and depending on age a kindly teacher.

[avocadogreen]

Thank you Doing something different in the evenings is a good idea actually. Maybe I should start going to bed and reading or watching tv on the ipad rather than doing the same things we always did together. I have been ringing friends, pretty much every night- I alternate between a few so they don't get sick of me I have also been applying for jobs, which is quite good for keeping my mind off things.

[imblet]

I promise that one day you will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. You are grieving, you are grieving for a future you thought you were going to have, and you are grieving for a past that you are now questioning.
Changing your routine is a good idea, anything to set off less triggers. Make sure that you are looking after yourself, eat as well as you can, sleep as much as you can and try to give yourself something special each day. A coffee out with a newspaper, a nice bath, a glass (or two) of wine? Treat yourself. It will get better.

[LineRunner]

I did wild things with the garden that he would have disapproved of.

[BosieDufflecoat]

I overheard an idea recently that for a future nostalgia treat for your kids, you set up an email account they can use when they're older and you email photos of them to it, plus little memories and stories etc., for them to enjoy one day down the line. If you did that, maybe it would help in those moments you talk about when you've just taken a photo and instinctively want to send it to him. You'd be sending it to your future children instead, who are going to be much lovelier than him.

If you can't bear old memories, make new ones now for the future.

I'm sorry it's rough. I wish I had something more life-changing and heartening to suggest.

[Lweji]

What you are feeling is normal.

I left through DV and couldn't want less to be with ex, but at points I still felt the urge to send him pictures of DS and updates.

It was a sudden change, for which you had not prepared, and you are missing what was normal for you.
Take your time, it will get better.
Doing different things is good advice. Particularly things that you wanted to but hadn't done. At some point it will be about you and not the couple you were in.

His claim of unhappiness may well be him justifying himself and rewriting history. He chose to cheat, rather than talk to you and address that supposed unhappiness.