Why is this bothering me?

[Simplesusan]

Hello,

I am currently going through a divorce. My ex has ow and I have a new partner.

Things have been quite difficult and I am nc with ex, I prefer it this way as he refuses to discuss what I would consider normal things with me eg child care arrangements and who will get what in the divorce settlement.

He prefers to focus on how I might feel about the ow and how he intends to destroy me. After seeking professional help I was advised by all concerned to speak to him only via my solicitor.

He is stalling the divorce even though he has told the dcs he is deliriously happy with ow and intends to marry her, fine by me I thought this would help speed up the divorce processed mean I could cut all ties with him.

As he refused to agree to any formal arrangements regarding child care I basically leave it between ex and dcs to sort out. He hardly ever sees them despite ow living around the corner and has broken their hearts but I have had to switch off from this as he seemed at first to delight in upsetting them I order to punish me.

My dcs are 17,15 and 12.
He has told the dcs that he won't do anything at all for them that may in any way "help me out." This includes taking our dcs to football practice, watching him in matches and especially seeing the dcs on an evening as , god forbid I might use this time to go out and have a life.


Anyway after cancelling dd1 phone contract which was a Christmas present from him, she rang him to say he needed to ring the phone company and release the details over to me so that I could take over the payments. He owes a couple of payments on it and had the cheek to ask her to ask me to pay half!!!!! He literally owes me thousands of pounds and is in arrears in child maintenance yet continues to tell dcs how he can't see them because he is taking ow and her dcs out.


I am not bothered at all by this,part of me hopes she puts pressure on him to get divorced so it will be better for me as I cannot wait to be truely free from him.

What irked me though is the fact that he tells dd1 how much time he is spending with ow and her kids.


If I'm honest I feel sorry for her eldest dd, the kids are left with a babysitter a lot so that ex and ow can go out drinking.



The reason I know this is he tells my dcs this and friends tell me they see him all the time drinking in the local pubs which I avoid.


My partner says ex has destroyed my confidence and made my self esteem so rock bottom, he thinks ex is still doing all this to try and control me.



I know 100 percent that I would never ever go back to ex , so why does what he does upset me?why am I letting him get to me?

We were together over 20 years.

[pictish]

Well...having been together for over 20 years, he knows exactly how to push your buttons doesn't he?

Fwiw, I actually think you are dealing with this quite wonderfully. He is going all out to provoke and upset you...you wouldn't be human if some of it didn't hit its mark. You're doing a great job of brushing it off though - continue as you have been.

Can I ask...is there any motivation behind his vitriol? Did you cheat on him with your dp? Who left who?

[TweedleDi]

Do your children actually want to see him? Sounds like they may need protection and support themselves.

Your focus seems all over the place... so a plan might be:

Protect the children.
Get counselling.
Disengage.

[Simplesusan]

Thanks Pictish, sometimes I think I'm going mad with it all.

He was seeing the ow although has denied everything. When he left he told me it was just a temporary split. I knew nothing until speaking to friends who then told me he was sat in the local village pub with ow.

Apparently he was seen with her 18 months before he left by a friend of a friend who challenged him at the time.


I met my boyfriend after I had filed for divorce and ex told dcs he was glad I had met someone.

[hamptoncourt]

OP it is hard to know for sure why this is bothering you, but from what you say, it sounds as though you are still in shock somewhat.

Are you still in denial that the man you met and presumably fell in love with has turned out to be such a total twunt?

Sometimes I think we question ourselves, asking why we could not see what a wanker we were getting involved with, and cannot accept that the man you have before you now is the "real him."

This responsibility shirking manipulative cockwomble is indeed the father of your children, and you cannot in any way shape his behaviour. All you can do is adapr your reaction to it.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing by getting DC to make their own arrangements with him. Try not to ask any questions at all about their time with STBXH so you have minimal info about his life. Also, tell "friends" that you do not wish to hear about his social lif and which pubs they saw him drinking in etc.

It doesn't matter what he is doing with OW and her DC, he is no prize, you are well rid of him.

[Simplesusan]

He must have been seeing herbeforeher youngest child was born too which was unpleasant to say the least.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I think it's only bothering you because of how it affects your DCs, which is totally understandable. Also it will take time to reset your mind after years of being with someone so manipulative. You're doing brilliantly at detaching from him. Keep it up!

[Simplesusan]

I think you are right Hampton.

It seems ludicrous that I have devoted such a large part of my life to this idiot and hard to come to terms with I suppose.

I have had counselling which has helped. At first I was a complete and utter wreck.


I try hard not to think about him, that's why I don't go out locally and I did tell friends not to tell me if they have see him , I suppose sometimes they can't help themselves.


I just ask general questions of dc so as not to make them feel as though they can't speak about their father.

He has angered me so much though asking for some money through my dd1.

[weatherall]

He sounds awful.

Do your DCs want contact with him?

Can you move away so he becomes an irrelevance in all your lives.

It sounds like he is still abusing you from a distance.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think what you're describing would bother anyone, quite honestly. He seems very contradictory & irrational, indulging in a lot of attention-seeking, 'difficult for the sake of being difficult' behaviour, and basically being a pain in the backside. I think your partner is right that it's a pathetic attempt at retaining control of you and the situation but, judging by your reaction & even though you find it annoying, I don't get the sense that you're taking it personally. You don't care about him any more, just the effect of his actions on others.

[SocialNeedier]

Apart from anything else, you are probably quite understandably bothered by his behaviour because he is being such a cunt to your children.

You're obviously able to brush off the digs aimed at you since you don't give a shit any more. But for him to be using your poor DCs as pawns is enough to make anyone furious on their behalf.

[pictish]

Right well...he is truly a dreadful man isn't he?

[pictish]

That's right Social and it just shows him for the malevolent soul he is, when OP having deflected all stick poking in her direction, to move on to the kids by way of getting a reaction, a reward for his sadism.

God almighty OP I do feel for you. You know you've got to find it in you to keep yourself head and shoulders above him until that divorce is through.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Do you know what I think OP? I think that he's not happy that you've met someone else. He's not happy that you've picked yoursef up off the floor. He's not happy that you are functioning perfectly wonderfully without him.

My guess is he's angry with you for not going to pieces and begging for him back. NOt that he wants you back. But he wants you to want him. I bet he has stepped up the arseholery since he found out about your new DP

He's still trying to control and manipulate you like he probably did when you were together. What an utter twunt

Like Cogito says, it's not surprising you're upset. He is being very upsetting. So try and accept that it is him with the problem, not you. That you are normal (whatever that is ) and he is not. And really try and ignore it all the best you can.

You sound like a great mom and a lovely woman who had the misfortune to marry an idiot.

Keep going you're doing great

[Simplesusan]

Thanks for all the replies.

Dd1 has been in tears, again. She has told her father that she wants to see him, after not seeing him for about 6 weeks she wants to spend some time with him. She has said it is fine for her brother and sister to come along but every time he wants to see her it involves the ow and all her kids.

Dd1 has told him she doesn't have a problem with the ow or her kids but for once wants to see her dad-alone.


His response was to say he would see if it is ok for her and her sister-no mention of ds-to go round to ow house this weekend!


Again missing the point , or refusing to see it. My dcs want time alone with him. It isn't like they see him every week.

He again asked dd1 if I was willing to pay some of his phone debt, or failing that would my mum pay it!

Oh and he can't see dd2 on her birthday because he has plans.

House is up for sale and believe me I really want to get away.

Think I did inflame him when I told him that once this is over our paths will never have to meet and there will not be any occasion when either one of us will have to ever speak to the other one!

Makes me realise how great my boyfriend is and how much better my life will be once this is over.