DH, no sex drive and MeetMe

[queenofwesteros]

Namechanged but regular here. Not sure whether I'm acting like an idiot and would appreciate some perspective please?
DH and I married for 18 years, 2 kids 10 and 14. We get on fabulously well and he is a great partner and father. But. He has had ED issues for years now (8 I think) and I've tried everything I can think of to tackle it with him..taking sex off the menu, just cuddling, being romantic etc etc. There's nothing physically wrong with him, he's been to the doctor, prescribed Viagra (which doesn't always work btw) and had counselling...nothing wrong with him. He assures me he loves me but I want a sex life and feel rejected, unattractive and frumpy. I've talked abut this with him til I'm blue in the face, he promises to make an effort, everything is great for maybe 2 weeks and then slides slowly back into oblivion. I think he feels that he has an "inferior" job to me (I am the breadwinner) but assures me it doesn't bother him and I make pains to assure him that we are a team. Just for context, a couple of years back an old flame got in touch with him through the dreaded Facebook. This led to me discovering a string of texts between them, beyond flirty on her part, not so much on his but it is my biggest regret that I just didn't quietly put the phone back and see how things developed (he swears up and down he just liked the attention but I'll never know whether it would have went further). Instead I went apeshit and warned him that if anything like that happened again he was gone. I think it's relevant to say that his behaviour didn't really change during all this despite me knowing him so well.
So fast forward and my spidey senses are thinking that something's up. We had a massive talk - again - the other week about lack of sex and I asked him to promise to always be honest with me. He promised. He says he has no sex drive any more. He keeps suggesting toys (we had some previously) but I feel that he thinks he can just stick a plastic cock in me (sorry, TMI) and it'll shut me up and let him off the hook. He says he just doesn't want sex. However on snooping on his phone (and yeah shoot me, I know it's not great but there you go, he's on the damn thing night and day), he's been watching porn and googling how to make girls shoot their load in a guy's mouth . Furthermore I saw an email from Meetme which said he had a new nearby secret admirer. I've gone on to the site and checked his profile - he's on there a LOT (last login 3 hours ago) but of course I can't see what he's actually been doing on it. He's never breathed a word of this to me. I feel that maybe he is bored with me though he swears he isn't.
Am I being paranoid? Is he on Meetme just to genuinely meet new people? Is he looking for attention? Leaving isn't an option at the moment. I love him and couldn't upset the kids, and I so want to make our marriage work. But I just have the inkling that something is up.
What do I do?

[Jan45]

No you are not paranoid at all! He's clearly on this site and maybe more, and I doubt it's to make new friends, you've already seen what kind of site that was, that should tell you your answer.

Sorry OP but he's leading you a merry dance, getting his kicks from porn and meet up sites and probably others too whilst you are left frustrated with no sex life.

This would be it for me, it would be the end, he's putting more effort into strangers and sex talk than he is his own relationship, where is the respect, you say you are a team, it sounds a very one sided team I'm afraid.

I'm sorry but unless there's a physical reason what man doesn't want sex?

No offence but what do you think he's been doing on it?


You need to wise up OP, he's taking you for a fool.

[Jan45]

...and he's already got form.

[queenofwesteros]

Ok, so some further info. Have just managed to get into his profile through the email sent him and it doesn't appear that he's posted anything, or had any convos with anyone. I think. So now I'm completely puzzled as to why he's on the site so much? If it was a "proper" dating/hook-up site, then that would def be it for me, but it seems to be a social networking site. Or am I just being naive?

[queenofwesteros]

Yes, he has Jan. As much as I'd like to forget it

[queenofwesteros]

I'd like some advice on how exactly to approach him about this.

[queenofwesteros]

Just to say he's a loving and attentive husband in almost every other way. Does nice things for me, runs a bath, brings me flowers, makes me tea. He's very considerate of me as a whole. Very confused.

[Jan45]

Maybe it is OP, fact is he's glued to his phone/laptop/FB etc....spending all his time on that instead of trying to sort out his relationship problems, and if it's all innocent why not tell you? And who is it he's trying to meet exactly?

[CuntyBunty]

If you won't leave him, tell him you know what he is up to. Tell him that his behaviour has released you from all obligation to be faithful, and that you are well within your rights to seek sex elsewhere. Sauce for the gander and all that. Go and get yourself a decent fuck elsewhere. At least you'll have been honest about it and if he doesn't like it, tough shit. He'll have to rethink his behaviour to someone who's supposed to be his nearest and dearest.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, OP, and goodness knows how much you must be hurting, but once you have sorted yourself and your head out, you need to find a way to move forward and put yourself first if he won't do that.

[queenofwesteros]

I don't know that his behaviour has been bad though. He's watched a bit of porn, he's on a social networking site. It doesn't actually add up to much does it?

[Thouneedsbedamned]

It adds up to a lot when he is getting his kicks elsewhere leaving you frustrated and unsatisfied.

It sounds like he has separated himself from you sexually and feels entitled to have a private sex life whilst you suffer in silence.

This is either acceptable to you or it isn't.

[Phalenopsis]

Erm..."In October 2013, MeetMe launched Charm, a mobile dating app."

Has he got this on his phone?

You're snooping because you suspect that something is wrong. Go with this rather than trying to wish it away.

Looks like you need to have a serious convo although chances are he'll deny doing anything wrong anyway.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I wonder if this I think he feels that he has an "inferior" job to me (I am the breadwinner) has a lot to do with things. You obviously feel it's significant to have mentioned if, however briefly, in your post.

The getting off to porn and online sexual hookups (especially if he isn't actually meeting them) would really bear out the picture of a sexually impotent man plagued by inadequacy who seems unable to break the link in his head between sex and power.

Most people have some sort of power dynamics in their head when it comes to sex. Ideas such as being 'ravished', who's 'on top' etc all play into it. That's one end of the spectrum. At the other end you may have bondage and the like. No problem if everyone's consenting and knows their role. Chuck in a bit of gender stereotyping involving normal non-sexual life, however, and things can get a little skewed. Some men (and women) are incapable of enjoying sex unless people conform to those roles, and if their own roles are challenged can lose interest in sex with that person completely.

You wouldn't be the first woman who earns more than her man to discover that he feels emasculated and can't get sexually excited unless you're playing the little woman and he's playing the big strong man. Unfortunately, it's his problem and you can't do anything about it.

What bothers me is that what he feels and what his sexual instincts are is perfectly ok whatever it is because we can't help our hangups and we're allowed our own feelings. But how he's chosen to deal with it is really not ok. That says a lot about his personal integrity and none of it is good.

And then there's the small matter that whatever else is going on, your very clear declaration that you are not happy about your sex life is not considered a good enough reason for him to put the same effort he is into cheap online thrills into fixing things with you. What does that say about how he feels about you? How is that reflected in other areas of your relationship? What is that teaching your DC?

Sorry.

[queenofwesteros]

I've checked his phone thoroughly, no mobile apps like Charm or WhatsApp. Believe me I'm bloody good at snooping and haven't found anything else incriminating.

[dwinnol]

If he's on the site a lot but doesn't have messages or conversation is it likely he deletes them as they arrive? I don't know this site but you'd expect something to be there?

[queenofwesteros]

So...is the consensus that MeetMe really is just a hook-up site?

[Phalenopsis]

If you really wanted to 'catch him at it' you could always set up an account yourself and get chatting etc. Sounds like it's the only way of finding out for sure but you obviously don't trust him otherwise you wouldn't be snooping in the first place.

People wank to porn. That's what it's for so I'd be asking the pointed question of why can he 'do it' for the women on screen but not for you?

[queenofwesteros]

It would be easier to walk away if not for the fact that in every other aspect of our relationship he's almost perfect; kind, considerate, generous. But. PIV sex is very important to me as it makes me feel far closer to him. He knows this and is apologetic but it doesn't help the situation. I don't even know if he's actually getting off on the porn either, I've only come across it this one time and AFAIK he's not a regular user. If anyone is feeling disconnected I think it's me.

[queenofwesteros]

He's tried to explain to me that when he and I start having sex he starts overthinking/panicking and loses his erection (if he gets one in the first place, sometimes he just doesn't). A vicious cycle. It all started when he was made redundant and had to retrain as "the old apprentice" in amongst a whole load of 18 yo's.

[queenofwesteros]

whoops sorry. I know it knocked his confidence hugely but it was 8 years ago ffs. And I've been supportive in every way possible.

[Thouneedsbedamned]

It is clear he does have a sex drive, even if the mechanics are playing up.

Would he go for counselling? (specifically sexual). Perhaps you could both benefit from getting to the bottom of this disconnection. If you are talking and keeping the lines of communication open but end up going around in circles then I think a professional is the way to go.

[PoundingTheStreets]

But. PIV sex is very important to me as it makes me feel far closer to him. He knows this

And yet it's not enough for him to actually do anything it.

See IMO this is the problem. The ED itself can be dealt with. It's psychological in origin, not physical, and a good counsellor sexual therapist could probably get him/you past it.

But he's choosing to ignore it - and therefore you - instead.

[queenofwesteros]

Pounding yes, I think that's it in a nutshell
He tells me I'm his world, that if I ever left him he'd be a hermit. Amd at the same time sticks his head in the sand about this. But I have to say that is how he deals with every problem ever. Puts his fingers in his ears and hopes that it'll all go away if he ignores it.

[fiftyandfab]

He has had ED issues for years now (8 I think) & redundancy I know it knocked his confidence hugely but it was 8 years ago ffs ...I think there's your answer. And I agree that he would benefit from seeing a counsellor. Although this is not addressing your trust issues.....

[LavenderGreen14]

I think you are minimising his behaviour.

I don't think he has anything wrong with him at all, but I think he is looking for sex elsewhere. Sorry - but I think he is lying to you.

[queenofwesteros]

Thanks all. I think the answer may be that after almost 2 decades he has just become bored, he cannot get it up with me and therefore he's starting to look elsewhere