DP REALLY doesn't want this baby. I have no idea what to do.

[devildeepbluesea]

I have NC for this. I'm not a very regular poster, but even so I don't think I want to own up to being in this position.

I am 9 weeks pg with our second child. The pregnancy wasn't planned but wasn't prevented either. We had a few weeks of agonising over whether we would go ahead, because neither of us were massively keen on another child (complicated contraception issue, long story now resolved once and for all). Our daughter is 13 months old.

Eventually we decided that it would feel wrong to terminate what would be our daughter's only sibling and so decided we would go ahead. But - did we decide that? I know we had a conversation that went along those lines and my partner agreed that terminating would feel wrong but in truth we didn't discuss much in detail. I think I felt scared that if we discussed it too much, I would feel pressured into terminating. Anyway I registered with the midwife and we have discussed the future with 2 children a bit and, whilst neither of us are exactly delighted, I did think we were accepting of the situation. I'm sorry if that upsets some people; we love our daughter very, very much but I must admit the thought of another year of broken sleep, worry, etc etc and a further delay to our life getting back to some semblance of normal is very daunting.

Over the past week our daughter has been quite poorly and not her usual, easy self. Usually she sleeps through the night and rarely cries. This week has been hard. Last night my partner said that this has made him realise that he absolutely, 100% does not want another and that if I continue the pregnancy it would be absolutely against his wishes. Now I feel very, very confused. The thought of a termination terrifies me; the thought of another child terrifies me, but at least if we took that route I feel that I may be able to live with myself. But would I hate my life? I'm not someone who loves being a mum. I do enjoy it but mostly it's a slog. I know this will get better as she gets older, but why would I put myself through the baby stage again?

I just don't know what to do. I can't get my own views on termination straight, so how can I be expected to take his views on board as well?

[Youdontneedacriminallawyer]

I'm no abortion expert, but you have some time to think, I think.
From experience, second babies are a lot easier, mostly because you'll be a lot more laid back. There is very little added expense, at first anyway, because you probably have all the equipment and clothes you'll need.
I had two babies very close together, and yes, the first 12 months were hard. Incredibly hard at times, and DH and I had some mega rows in the middle of the night when one or the other chld woke up. But it does get easier, very quickly when you look back, and in many ways two is easier than one when they get older. There's always someone to play with.

[Stripyhoglets]

It's your body, so it's your choice. But ultimately you have to consider you may well end up a single parent to two children. I would suggest you try and find some counselling ASAP to try and get to a decision you can live with. It's such a tough situation, but if there was no prevention of pregnancy then really your DH should have taken control of that if he was so against another child.

[drinkingtea]

It sounds as though you need to get your thoughts straight and need some help doing so - can you ask your midwife or GP if there is a service they can refer you to for counselling, just in order to work out how you personally feel? As Youdon't says you do have a bit of time to get your head straight before you make an irrevocable decision. Also your DH is being a little hasty making a decision based on a couple of unusual broken nights - he perhaps also needs to take another couple of weeks, he may change his mind several times if he is so easily swayed. Good luck.

[Rebecca2014]

I can relate to your post. My husband only wants one child with me as he has found it very hard, he is not a child person at all. Me I am not the mother I thought I be, it has not come naturally but the temptation to have another is still there...though I know I properly regret it.

Your husband agreed to accept another baby then your daughter started playing up, how will he feel when she's well again? will he change his mind again? Give him a couple days and talk again, have an really serious talk.

But if he is still against it and you do have the baby, be prepared to be a single mother.

[devildeepbluesea]

Stripy I think I may have to consider being a single parent full stop. We're nowhere near this stage but if I'm honest it's a distant possibility.

quietlysuggests he absolutely is not lazy. He's a SAHD and does the lion's share of childcare, is usually absolutely brilliant with DD - better than me if I'm honest. I would however agree that it's very short sighted to base any decision on the events of the past week. And he can be a bit selfish sometimes but, conversely, is also one of the most thoughtful men I've ever met. We're all paradoxes I suppose.

[petalsandstars]

I'm not going to tell you what to do but just how I would feel in this type of situation.

If my DH said he wanted me to abort a child for the reasons above - a week of illness and a bit less sleep it would be a big crack in the relationship which I don't think would recover.

If I terminated I would always regret it and I think it would lead to the relationship ending eventually. I would not regret having another child (an accidental pregnancy would be tough but we would manage)

2 children are difficult at first but you settle into it, and I can't imagine mine not being here.

[PoundingTheStreets]

You need to set aside an evening to really thrash this out once and for all. I don't know how good you and your DP are about communicating, so I can't say whether his declaration is a clumsy attempt at admitting fear or a veiled threat that he'll leave unless you abort, but you're going to need to establish that, and you can only do that by talking it through.

It's ok for him to not want a second child and to voice his opinion, especially if he thinks you are quite ambivalent about the whole thing. And it's ok for him to say he's not happy about if even if you go ahead. What's not ok is for him to withdraw his support for you if you decide to go ahead despite his wishes.

If he felt that strongly against having a second child, he should have paid more attention to near-as-foolproof-as-can-be contraception beforehand. Most people don't, of course, and humans are allowed to be flawed. But if you make that kind of mistake, you have no choice but accept the consequences like a grownup because to do anything else makes you a fuckwit. You don't abdicate responsibility however unpalatable.

He can wish for an abortion but not demand it. You get the deciding vote on that because it's your body and your health at stake. And even if you go ahead against his wishes, that doesn't mean he either refuse to love the child or pull his weight in caring for that child, nor does it mean he can walk out on you to escape the change to his life a second child will bring. If you decide to keep it, he is as obligated as you are to care for the resulting child, whether you remain together or not, because that child is 50% his.

Unless he is a twat, I would guess that he's just scared. He possibly believes that because you yourself were less than enthusiastic about this pregnancy, his strength of feeling on the matter will be enough for you to decide to have an abortion and you can put it all behind you. If he thinks he can threaten you into an abortion, you'd be better off without him whether you have one child or two TBH.

But the only person who can tell you this for sure is him, so you need to talk to him.

Good luck.

[flusteredmumto2]

I have been I your situation. I have 2 children by my xp and I swore I would never have another. My dp and I had discussed it and neither of us wanted a baby so I was taking contraception. He was happy to be my partner and when the time came a step dad figure to my dc's. Fast forward to xmas 2013 and I found out I was pregnant and after a huge amount of talking and pressure from him I went to a bpas clinic. It was against ever fibre of my being that I went. He was adamant he did not want the baby and I if I kept the baby i was forcing him to do something he didn't want. It turns out due to medical reasons I couldn't terminate anyway so with relief, fear and guilt I walked away from the clinic still pregnant. I did face it that I may be a single parent to three children and I did shed many tears but slowly we talked and he apologised for putting so much pressure on me and I understand that both of us were scared and in shock and we both said stuff that we shouldn't. Now I'm 23 weeks and still absolutely petrified about having a 3rd but have come to terms that its happening and he has too. I think the thought of having a daughter has grown on him.
In regards to the abortion if that is what YOU want then you will need time to grieve and it must be completely the right choice for you. I have always been prepared to do it on my own if he decided to walk away. What may happen is if you terminate and it is not completely right for you it may end your relationship due to resentment and you blaming him.

[devildeepbluesea]

Thanks for your replies so far, please keep them coming! They're making me cry but so, so useful.

I've just spoken to him again, he seems slightly less stressed and I know he would never withdraw his support, PoundingtheStreets. He has already said that he will always support me 100%, even if it's not what he wants.
flusteredmumto2 thank you for sharing your experience. Sounds like you were in the same situation as me for a while. I also realise that I may end up being a single parent. I think I'm prepared for that, but obviously I sincerely hope it never comes to that. I'm so pleased that your DP has come round

[PoundingTheStreets]

If he's adamant he'll support you no matter what, then you have a good chance of making it. You just need to try to change your perspective and see a second baby as a challenge you have to meet together, rather than the decision about having that baby as something that drives you apart. Try to see each other as allies. Commiserate about the tiredness together rather than each trying to claim you're more tired than the other. See each other as someone you can talk to about worries and frustration rather than stewing in silent resentment. Get creative about ways of ensuring you both get the opportunity to get an uninterrupted night's sleep once a week and prioritise a night where you get to be a couple rather than parents, etc.

Good luck.

[namechanged0000]

NC as I had an abortion when very young and am not proud of it.

Mine left me with a total breakdown, then devastated for over ten years. Weird nightmares, guilt, and crying whenever I saw a child the age that mine would have been. A friend of mine had one and said it didn't affect her at all.

I think your partner's being unfair to get you pregnant and then ask you to do this to your body. I'm sorry for the situation you're in, it sounds awful.

If you have only one child, you will be its only source of entertainment and company for years and years. If you have two, they will be each others' playmates.

Yes it will be hard and there will be more sleepless nights + a toddler to deal with as well as a baby.

But if you are going to have two, having them close together means you get the sleepless, nappy-changing, teething part of your lives as a family of four over and done with far quicker than if you have a two or three-year gap.

It is easier the 2nd time because the 1st time, your life changes completely and this new baby totally throws you. 2nd time you know what to do, you aren't giving up the adult life, and the first time your two children make each other laugh it will be the most incredible and happy sound you've ever heard.

I hope this turns out well for you. I hope he gets his wobbles out of his system.

[devildeepbluesea]

What good ideas, Pounding. I'll definitely talk to him about this. It does feel like we're not really in this together, so I think a lot of those things will really help. Thank you.

[MorrisZapp]

So sorry to hear this. Would you mind if I put the other side? Threads like this usually tend to err on the 'oh go on, have another, it'll be fine' etc but I think it's worth mentioning that you absolutely do not have to have an unplanned baby that will set your life plan back unless you really, really want to.

MN is full of posts from stressed, struggling and tired parents who find that having x amount of kids is just so, so hard. I'm always biting back the question, why didn't you stop at one? But of course I wouldn't say it as it's pointless after the fact.

You will be advised here not to have a termination unless you're absolutely sure it's what you want. But the burden of proof so to speak is set much lower for having another child who may deplete your resources to breaking point.

My advice fwiw is don't have any baby you don't really, really want. I say this as a mother of one adored kid, who knows her limitations. I had a termination in the past and it was fine, but only you know what your feelings are about that.

Good luck and keep talking.

[Onlyonamonday]

My dds are 21 months apart
If I hadn't time over again I would do exactly the same
It's bloody hard work of course
But try pointing out all the positives to your dp instead of focusing on the negatives
My dds are now 16&18
They have each other
They have grown up together
They always had each other to play with so left me and dh for time to ourselves occasionally
It's lovely when you go out on family outings
My two are so different , have their own friends but still are close and have each other when their friends are not around
There are so many advantages
And while I remember having a toddler and a baby to deal with
I wouldn't change a thing

[grounddown]

This happened to me. I am now a single mom to 2 children, 18 months apart in age. We broke up 4 months ago.
I booked an appointment for a termination, i was 11 weeks pregnant. My exp was adamant that we werent having the child. I got there and filled in the forms but i couldnt do it, i left the place feeling such relief. I told him i was keeping the baby and he didnt speak to me for a week. He didnt come to the scans and he never did a night feed. Even now i have to talk him into having his gorgeous little boy. Hes a twat though and thats why hes my ex.

My DD is a dream child, my DS has never slept through the night and is very very vocal which is not great in a tiny terraced house but i love them, they love me and at the end of the day we go to bed with full tummies in a relatively clean house.

Im not a natural mother, i do enjoy my time without them and i shout and lose my temper quite a lot but i would never change having them.

You know whats right for you.

[wallaby73]

When we were deciding on whether to have a second child, i recall we often said when our existing DD was poorly, or challenging "oh my god can you imagine this times 2?" He has unconciously picked the very worst moments, multiplied it and found the thought unbearable. The reality is rarely if ever like that. Do we ever do the same when we are having the very best of times with our child? "ooo can you imagine this times 2?" No, and i can't understand why - i never did either. But now being on "the other side" of this, i can honestly say i regularly "feel" the joy x 2, but very rarely the despair and struggle x 2, if ever at all. Have you suggested this to him? Never mind what another poster has said further up about the after effects on your mental health which could last a lifetime if you weren't 100% sure about it. Good luck.

[BertieBotts]

According to my friends, two children are almost universally easier than one, once you get past the baby stage with the second. I'd say probably more so when they're close in age. If you're not keen on the baby stage anyway, then it probably doesn't make much difference to extend it for a year or so and multiply it, for the sake of the later part. If you struggle with constantly being needed, IME this is worse with one child because they only have you, if you want other children around for them to play with you have to invite other people's children over which is arguably worse!

But, on the other hand it can be easier to have a "normal" adult life with just one child, because they can fit into what you want to do more easily.

Just a thought I had - is he one of the most thoughtful men you've ever met or one of the most thoughtful people? Be careful about having wildly different expectations of him because he's a man. (Not suggesting he's an arse - he doesn't sound like one.)

[magoria]

Tough situation.

Personally he knew where children come from. He did absolutely nothing to prevent himself from creating a child. He does not get to say he 100% definitely does not want another child and it is against his wishes after the fact.

It is very selfish to state all this and leave you as the bad one who goes against his 100% sure wishes or (still frowned on wrongly by some) go through the physical and mental stress of a termination.

What are his future plans to stop himself impregnating you or any other woman?

Rightly or wrongly he has no say but he has left you with the shitty end of the stick all round.

Good luck with whatever you decide. There will be no judgement here with what you chose.

[MummyJ0]

You poor poor love. Ur mind sounds as though it is racing & pulling ur heart in all sorts of ways, which is tiring in itself, without the hormones & a poorly daughter to contend with & let's not forget ur partner & all his turmoil/mind switching which u are also trying to sort through. I agree with many here u need to get specialist pregnancy counselling. I work for an Nhs service which offers a tiny bit of counselling (& cbt) which would never normally provide the sort of counselling u need. I would recommend u still speak to ur GP/HV who may well refer u to an IAPT service where u wud b prioritised for assessment as u r pregnant but to save time I wud google resources in ur area which r often charities (sometimes with a religious basis but not always) & contact them direct as this is wot an IAPT service is likely to do anyway. They may offer more than one session & potentially invite ur partner too. U can always cancel later if u reach decision b4. I wish u the best of luck. Do take care of yourself & try to replenish & rest yourself-whatever helps u: walk in sun/bath/chats with friends. Ur mind needs time to settle to know wots right. Perhaps someone cud babysit to giv u both some shut eye & the chance of a conversation after rest? Take care xxxx

[wallaby73]

And i also back what MorrisZapp says, very very honest and valid.

[specialmagiclady]

No experience of termination etc but I fwiw I definitely felt more ambivalent about finding out that an unenthusiastic fumble an unprotected session had led to DS2 than I did that DS1 was there.

This is because I knew how hard work a baby was. And it is bloody daunting, so there is no shame in feeling like that.

As an aside "some semblance of normal" is never coming back, but you will adjust to the new normal.

[MorrisZapp]

My mental health is shot due to PND, I'm fine now but can't get off the meds. I'm not trying to be argumentative, just give balance. Up to one in five mothers will suffer MH issues. Having a child to avoid possible mental ill health is illogical and potentially counter productiive. Hope it's ok for me to say these things, not popular I know. I'm just really against the go on, have another mentality if that makes sense.

[onetiredfromthesugarhighmummy]

Putting aside the weighty issue of abortion for a moment.

How do you think he will cope during those first zombie sleep deprived months? Will he be OK or will he throw it back in your face that its all your fault & he didn't want another baby? Will he be much support? I'm a little worried that he will start to get resentful & resentment can end a relationship quite quickly as its a destructive emotion.

I'm not sure that its wise to have another baby if you are 'accepting of the situation' only & really don't want one. It sounds from your OP that you really haven't discussed this properly & you are sleepwalking into another child instead of wanting the child. There are plenty of one child families who would say that your DD won't be deprived if she doesn't have a sibling.

Talk to your partner tonight, get to the bottom of the issue. Its early yet, you still have time. There's no shame in aborting, we have waited how many thousands of years for women to have control over their own fertility & if you choose to terminate then you can do so with a clear conscience that you made the decision that was right for you.

[fromparistoberlin73]

What a hard situation

I cant and wont advise as I think it would just be sharing my "opinion"

However I think its very telling that he is a SAHD and he feels this way, as maybe he feels like the burden will eventually fall on him

you need to talk to him. is he happy being a SAHD, is he depressed? being a SAHD is very hard for men (I have one)- as (a) its hard work anyway (b) they are in a gender that are judged by the "job" they do and (c) it can be alot more isolating for men, and I cant remeber (d)!!!!

It might be a week of childcare and broken sleep has made him lose sense/reason

but also, you state that you find motherhood hard (no judgement)- then how it going to be if you split?

I think you need to speak with him, and whatever you decide- no judgement

I have to say, from reading in black and white - neither of you really wants a second child. That says alot