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New here and need advice on divorce or not?!

(52 Posts)
Chocolate99 Mon 14-Apr-14 20:46:32

Hello all, i have lurked on here for past few weeks and wondered if you would care to give your helpful advice on my current situation. married for 6 years together 10 and have a 3 yr old. Husband works in emergency services working 7 different shifts the majority are at night leaving me and little one to our own devices for much of the time as he will be asleep in the day. We only spend a few days together as a family due to his shifts and me working 4 days per week. He never takes time off and even when he is home he is constantly checking works phone, on laptop etc. I have been getting pretty sick of us coming second all the time, spending all our weekends with other people and their families, his family have never looked after our toddler once in 3 years..on top of that the last time we had sex was 4 years ago when little boy was conceived..and was about 3 years before that so i total only had sex handful of times in past 7 years, this is not my choice and as far as i am aware its a stress thing not a physical thing. We have been rowing pretty much every day for about 6 months +, christmas and new year were awful but decidd to stick it out for sake of son but am sick of trying when he is blatantly not. I have been to a solicitor for free consultation to see where i stand but feel paralysed - are the above reasons enough to end a marriage, i am very unhappy and so is he and i am sure our son is picking up on this but am i being selfish and should i stick with it for our son to have the happy childhood i had growi g up? Sorry for long windedness. He has been divdorced before and states categorically that he will not go to relate. I definitely dont think he is having an affair as he is far too lazy for even that! smile

UncrushedParsley Mon 14-Apr-14 21:11:00

I think it sounds miserable...its not really a marriage is it? I don't think there are any prizes for being miserable in life, or for setting that as an example. He is telling you he is not prepared to make any effort to repair things....sorry x

Chocolate99 Mon 14-Apr-14 21:21:29

You dont have to say sorry sweetheart smile To be fair i cant remember the last time i was happy, with exception of little one, feel like i dont want to come home after work if he is here. He is not a bad person but is shaping up to be a pretty poor husband. he seems completely content to ignore the sex issue and bats it away one the occasions i bring it up - needless to say those attempts have been few and far between lately. Its not the hassle of divorce, the finanical side etc that is putting me off splitting but my little one having 2 homes, me not being there to give kiss good night etc on visits that is stopping me i think..thanks so much for the reply x

NormalBloke Mon 14-Apr-14 21:30:31

Hi chic before throwing the towel I would suggest that you write down how you want the relationship to work.

Then sit him down face to face tell him your not happy and you want the following changes made within a certain period...You need to regain the power.

At least give him the chance ....if he is worth the hassle you will get a good response if he seriously think you will walk......if he laughs at your piece of paper or does not try then you will be better off apart.

Chocolate99 Mon 14-Apr-14 21:37:48

Thats very true normalbloke, i could give him another chance alongside making alternative plans and if he doesn't, which is histoircally what has happened, then he has been forewarned. He always says he is going to book time off, going to ask inlaws to help out so we have time togehter but never comes to fruition. Feel like i have to nag constantly to get slightest effort from him, even just to open the curtains in the bedroom when he gets up! And i am sick of being that person and getting nowhere. He says he doesnt like the way i speak to him, but only seems to object to my tone when i am asking him for help round the house etc, he apparently loves my tone when i offer to pay for dominos etc!

UncrushedParsley Mon 14-Apr-14 21:47:44

They've got to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.... I speak from a position of thinking mine would be ok, but it wasn't... Doesn't mean it will be the same for you, but maybe think about a deadline for seeing evidence of change? Don't waste much of your life, as I did. Mind you, I now have a lovely new man, and we have lots of Nice Sexy Times not like when I was married smile

NormalBloke Mon 14-Apr-14 21:57:29

Parsley is on the right path you need deadlines etc

His progress needs logged somehow and measured against the list

Us blokes are pretty simple.....we sometimes just need it spelled out in lay mans terms.....that's why I would write it down in your own time

I think I made the mistake of not listening to my wife enough and thinking she would always be there.....Now she ain't although I tried like mad for a Year to then the damage had been done

Just spell it out like you really mean business....He has to see how serious you are this is v important for a bloke.....hopefully you may be surprised by his reaction

Chocolate99 Mon 14-Apr-14 21:58:07

Well that sounds fabulous sweetheart and i am super jealous! Yes i do agree actions speak louder than words and unfortunately he is more of a talker whereas i am a more practical, lets get on with it sort of person and dont have a lot of time for people who say stuff then do nothing about it, which is ironic given my situ... Ha ha. i am going to focus on finding out about tax credits, speak to mortgage provider, get house valued and see how it goes between ow and then, get my ducks in a row so to speak. I keep saying to myself imagine where you could be in a years time but then feel desperately bad for my son sad

Chocolate99 Mon 14-Apr-14 22:04:10

So sorry to hear that normalbloke, i imagine sometimes it has gone too far and i suspect that may be the case here, the spring has been pulled so many times it now doesnt go back if you know what i mean... I hadnt thoughht of the fact that men do like clear facts and maybe he is just hearing me whine rather than listen to what i have to say smile he has acknowledged previously that we do live seperate lives, seperate beds, do our own washing and shopping etc. Problem is, outside of work he has no hobbies, no interests, keeps minimla contact with his friends who do all the leg work and does bare minimum with his family, so he is all work and no play literally which i find sad. I really appreciate your perspective on this, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

UncrushedParsley Mon 14-Apr-14 22:08:33

I got very locked into thinking if only I said what I meant/needed in the right way, he would get it. I tried many variations, and he didn't get it, because he didn't want to, so don't take as long as I did to work out the difference.... Hopefully it might be ok. I wasn't showing off btw, just showing that there are different lives to be lived, even for an Old Trout like me smile

Chocolate99 Mon 14-Apr-14 22:21:21

Ha ha bless you, bet you are not an old trout! To be fair he is not thick, but can be quite manipulative, always making out that i am in the wrong et . Told me to go the doctors to get so e tablets as i am mental - suffered wi post natal depression for about 6 months 2 years ago but fine now. Its only him that thinks i am mental, a swift accusation he makes when i disagree with him. he could be acting like he doesnt know what to do when in reality he does know...and second time round divorce could cost him dearly so he is stalling for time?

Lweji Tue 15-Apr-14 04:01:44

I do think your son deserves a happy home, ad you do.

I may be surprised, but I suspect he won't have your son much at his, from what you say.

And this his him. He may be shocked into action, but how l

Lweji Tue 15-Apr-14 04:02:42

but how long do you think it would last?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Apr-14 07:41:45

Personally, I think if you're this miserable after 10 years together and 6 years married, and if he prefers to accuse you of being mentally ill rather than take you seriously, then you're wasting your time and your breath going for yet more attempts at explanation in the hope of change. No-one could accuse you of making a snap or frivolous decision if you went straight for separation. Four years of no sexual intimacy would easily be regarded as 'unreasonable behaviour'.

Chocolate99 Tue 15-Apr-14 13:05:07

Thanks Cogito, althgough you says its not frivolous, I think he is waiting for me to decide o the split so he can forever say you were the one who split up our family. Yes solicitor said as much, was 2 years I think the timescale so we are way beyond that! thanks you xx

UncrushedParsley Tue 15-Apr-14 15:18:01

Choc my XH did that. He was OD, among other things, but I had to create the separation, and somehow got painted as the Bad Person as if I was shagging the milkman, which I wasn't

Jan45 Tue 15-Apr-14 15:57:09

God, your relationship sounds a complete drudge and soul less. I know you feel for your son but your son will be ok if you do split, most marriages still end in divorce so there's lots of separated couples still co-parenting. Rowing for 6 months isn't good for your son at all.

I honestly think it sounds like you've done your best and what you can, he's clearly not interested in anything to do with making things good. And why is he constantly in communication with god knows who when he is at home, I'd be highly suspicious.

You only get what you put in, sounds like he's getting far too much for putting feck all into the relationship.

Life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't want the same as you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Apr-14 16:00:50

"I think he is waiting for me to decide o the split so he can forever say you were the one who split up our family. "

Let him say what he likes. You know the truth, you're not doing this lightly and you can move on with a clear conscience.

Chocolate99 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:33:06

Oh Jan, I like you very much already! I just don't like to give up on something, I'm quite tenacious and feel bad if I let something beat me if you know what I mean. But I suppose I have to accept that I can only do 50% of the effort, I cant do his 50% for him can I? and no Cogito, I am definitely not taking it lightly at all. Thank you so much for your supportive words, they really do make a difference x

Jan45 Tue 15-Apr-14 16:36:05

Why thank you! Oh yes us women are try-ers alright.

Show him this thread, what have you got to lose?

Chocolate99 Tue 15-Apr-14 17:06:19

Oh my word he would flip! As far as he is concerned everyone else in the police manages with these shifts and I am making mountains out of mole hills. His 7 different shifts are very restrictive on me doing anything and me and little one always out of house at weekend mornings so he can sleep and when I say anything he says well if you didn't want a kid you shouldn't have had one- I DO NOT resent my child but I do hate being controlled by his shifts and his persistent lateness home, then he has the cheek to say wheres my tea, when he is 3 hours late with no text or anything...that, on top of everything else makes me wonder I am bothering at all tbh x

Olddear Tue 15-Apr-14 17:22:49

You are certain he's not having an affair? Constantly checking works phone, you're sure it is 'works' phone? Laptop, what's he looking at/doing on it? Can you check? 3hours late home from work, why? Very little or no sex and he doesn't seem interested/bothered? Constantly arguing? Why? Does he really want to be there? I don't want to put ideas in your head that may not already be there but this is not a good situation for any of you, especially your child. If this can't be worked out soon, I would leave. You and your child deserve more.

mummytime Tue 15-Apr-14 17:23:41

Umm I thought the police had particularly high rates of marriage breakdown (like some other professions).
He is also treating you like a statistic not a person.
"he says well if you didn't want a kid you shouldn't have had one" - wasn't he involved in having a child then?

Chocolate99 Tue 15-Apr-14 19:05:02

yes i have read that statistic too about police marriages..with regards to affair it is highly improbable given that that would take effort and unless it is about the police or a car he literally wouldnt beinterested. It is a police blackberry but e just doesnt switch off literally from work which is a big issue si ce he is rarely home and when he is, not amkin an effort!

Chocolate99 Tue 15-Apr-14 20:33:29

Well i just started conversation wit him saying did he think we should split up, he said up to you. I explained that neither of us was happy which he agreed, said it was affecting our son he agreed. He then went on with usual excuses of why we are not togehter, why he has never asked inlaws to help, why he has never booked time off work, if i didnt want a kid i shouldnt have had one? I can leave HIS house despite us jointly putting deposit of £90k down when we bought it, he will get custody of son, despite working shifts like 6pm - 4am at weekends he replied he will get an au pair or child minder to look after him?! I told him i had my answer then left the room. he was just going round in circles with same accusations as usual, why i expected any different i do not know, but at least now he knows where i stand. Have arranged 3 estate agents to value house while he is at work and then once i get paid speak to solicitor about proceeding with petition. He is that arrogant he probably wont believe me until he gets documents from court.

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