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Can't get over (my) affair. Please help.

(65 Posts)
girlplease Mon 14-Apr-14 12:36:09

Oh god. I was an OW for a long time when me and MM decided to make a go of it. We made all the plans then he backed out ON THE DAY, and decided after i'd ended my marriage, to save his. (I have no dc, ex-h now loving life - very happy for him.) That was almost a year ago. Until one month ago me and MM were still in non sexual contact, but now he's cut off. He must mean business as he didn't contact me on a very important and painful anniversary for us both whereas before he would message me for any given excuse.

I am trying but I can't fucking do it. I am exhausted with how it turned out. I'm lonely and sad and so alone. I have read the advice on here, read the self help books. I am busying myself to the point of exhaustion with new hobbies, new friends, socialising, getting OUT THERE. I've taken on two other jobs alongside full time work to occupy my thoughts. It's just not working. I feel so hurt and moreover, fucking pathetic that i'm wasting more energy on romanticising this wanker.

This weekend, I know that his dw is away and I genuinely want to get in touch, meet him, rationalise, see what the fuck is going on. Why he did this. I've had no explanation. Mutual friends say he is really happy, never mentions me and seems great. This infuriates me so much that I haven't moved on one tiny bit.

Where do I go from here?

FetchezLaVache Mon 14-Apr-14 12:41:25

Please don't contact him. You don't want to know what the fuck's going on, you want to rekindle things. Have more dignity than that. You sound like you're keeping yourself pretty busy, but it's clearly not keeping your mind off it- have you tried counselling to explore why you can't see that you deserve better?

MorrisZapp Mon 14-Apr-14 12:41:29

How long ago was this? In truth, you'll always be thinking of him until you meet somebody else, this is true of any painful breakup.

You're already doing all the right things, just keep keeping on, time will do it's job.

Honestly, don't contact him. He's made his choice and there's no explanation that would make you feel better is there. Even if you did manage to engineer a meeting, you'll only ever be second best. Don't reopen that whole can of worms.

There's no magic wand, you just have to endure the present and hope for better times soon.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Mon 14-Apr-14 12:44:20

I feel for you, I really do. He's clearly led you on a merry dance and you've ruined your marriage for his sake.

But... Don't get in touch with him. It would be a massive mistake. Best case scenario is that he'd just ignore you, worst case scenario is that he'd come over and shag you, tell you he loves you and in another year you'll still be in the same position and he'll still be with his wife.

Getting over a broken heart takes a whole, you're doing all the right things and sometimes you just have to fake it till you make it.

You won't get answers from him, you'll just end up feeling worse. You deserve so much better.

girlplease Mon 14-Apr-14 12:45:09

Yes I've been fully counselled and have issues that i'm working through and will be more aware of in my next (?) relationship but it doesn't help these obsessional thoughts. Thank you though.

onetiredmummy Mon 14-Apr-14 12:51:03

He has made his choice, he has chosen his wife & its entirely understandable that he's gone no contact with you. He can't focus on his wife & repair his marriage whilst still contacting you on important anniversaries that you shared during your affair. You can't keep in contact with him, its not fair on anybody including you. I understand that you feel rejected, betrayed & for him to decide on the day itself is rough, but you need to stop reaching out to him as its preventing you from moving on. If he is focused on his marriage then he won't be mentioning you to people & he will be looking at his own happiness, this is normal.

It sounds as though you want to carry on your affair, even though he has made his feelings clear & you are using the guise of needing an explanation in order to see him again/touch him again/try to get him back.

Draw a line in the sand OP, this relationship is over & point your face towards the future as it will be fine brew

Jan45 Mon 14-Apr-14 12:54:43

You really need to forget him and move on with your life, he clearly does not want you, he wants to make it work with his wife, give her the decency to try and repair with him.

You had an affair with a married man, you've now went through the reality of an affair, the OM very rarely leaves his wife and vice versa, you've been the unlucky one, that's it, it's over.

girlplease Mon 14-Apr-14 13:01:28

I know what I NEED to do Jan - i'm trying ever waking minute to forget him and move on with my life.

I don't expect him to stay in contact either (though he has done for the last 11 months, since D DAY, despite his dw's wishes) but yes, I do feel very hurt and very rejected. Yes this has probably slowed my recovery. Yes I know I'm being a terrible person.

I feel pretty mental, to be honest, that I feel willing to contact him, despite all he's done and how he's treated me, just because I know there's a chance he'll pick up cos dw is away and he'll be bored. What happened to me and my brain?

onetiredmummy Mon 14-Apr-14 13:06:51

If he's been in contact secretly with you then suddenly stopped it would be plausible that his wife found out & gave him an ultimatum. He can't contact you again or she will leave him type of thing.

NormalBloke Mon 14-Apr-14 13:14:33

DO NOT contact him

All that will happen is that you will extend the hell that you are currently going through.

The quickest possible route to feeling better long term (I am assuming you want to find happiness) is to totally and utterly eliminate any trace of him in your life

If you do anything else your agony will just last longer.....FACT

I am currently seperated from my darling wife her idea not mind and after 2 months I miss her like crazy..My heart aches each and every minute and I know EXACTLY the kind of pain your going through.

I miss seeing my 3 young kids Aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!it hurts

I would love to reconcile but I know begging, trying to reason with her just wont work and I scared of more rejection....My only slim chance is let her have space.....after that I cant do a damn thing

I have gone NC apart from a business like approach when I email her to sort out the kids visits.

Anyway please do not get in touch, you will regret it I can 100% guarantee that

Jan45 Mon 14-Apr-14 13:15:39

Maybe you need a trip to your GP, you could be a bit depressed?

He sounds a right catch, will maybe contact you cos wifey away and he gets know yourself you are worth more than that.

Maybe you've been addicted to the drama and now feel a bit deflated have you tried getting back in the saddle re meeting new men?

girlplease Mon 14-Apr-14 13:25:45

Yes Jan I've been to the GP and he says I am depressed but I don't want to go on ADs and am trying to get there naturally by seeing a lot of my friends and going out socially/being active.

Hope it works out NormalBloke. Sorry for you sad

kentishgirl Mon 14-Apr-14 13:32:16

You should have gone no contact as soon as the affair was over. You continued having an emotional affair with him. Probably his wife has found out, kicked his arse, and he's decided he does actually want to save his marriage.

I find it hard to have much sympathy for people who have affairs, but still, I'm sure you are suffering pain now.You are struggling because to you, the affair (an emotional affair is still an affair) has only just ended. So you are at Day 1 of recovery. Give yourself time. You are doing the right things to move on, just keep doing it all.

Don't regret the ending of your marriage. You didn't want your husband so you haven't lost anything. There's no point regretting it now in hindsight. We all do what is right for us at that moment.

Hogwash Mon 14-Apr-14 14:00:48

Like any affair or emotional affair, it just served as a plaster for issues you were insightful enough to recognise at counselling. He sounds like scum - to contact him will just prolong your pain.

worsestershiresauce Mon 14-Apr-14 14:02:29

Perhaps what you are feeling now will give you some empathy for what his poor wife has been feeling since she found out. Perhaps that in turn will help you shut the door on that period of your life and help you move on. Don't cause his wife or yourself any more hurt by picking the scab and getting in touch. It won't make him leave his wife, but it will boost his ego in a way he really doesn't deserve.

You have my sympathy, he has hurt you, but also look on this as a learning experience, and don't fall victim to the same scenario in future. Accept nothing less than 100% from a partner.

This man sounds like a prize loser. He has been stringing you along, and lying to his wife. Why would you settle for a bloke like him?

Fairylea Mon 14-Apr-14 14:13:55

I think you need to remove the rose tinted glasses. He sounds like an absolute bastard... having a long term affair and then telling you he was going to leave, not leaving, continuing the affair emotionally, fucking everyone about basically. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like that?

I know ow get a pasting on here. I've been in both positions (was once ow when I was 18 and then many years later my now ex husband left me for someone else - not the same man I might add) and yes life is never straightforward. Sometimes people do make mistakes and end up with the wrong people doing things they never thought they'd do.

But to string people along like this for a long time demonstrates an egotistical twat who puts himself first.

You can do better. But you know that. What you need is just lots of time and no contact. He is as good as dead to you, eventually it won't be painful anymore. I promise.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Apr-14 14:58:37

Ten or eleven months along and it still stings. Even after all the upset and drama you don't want this to go out with a whimper. You still feel the urge to see him or be honest is it partly to get at his DW because she 'won'?

Mutual friends say he is really happy, never mentions me and seems great.

Your exH is in a good place, your exP is doing his thing, that leaves you.

You are doing the right stuff busy busy but you need time time to grieve. Don't be in denial about how much you've been hurt. Leave some time for being alone and reflecting but ration time to do so.

Anything you kept that reminds you of him? Bin it.
Tracking him on social media? Block him.

Definition of addiction = the inability to discontinue a harmful habit despite its negative consequences.

I think he should carry a Government Health warning so please do not think of contacting your ex again.

NormalBloke Mon 14-Apr-14 14:59:24

girlplease I feel for you lass I really really do

Just don't do what I did at the weekend...Went out and got smashed drunk on Saturday night just makes me feel a lot worse

Omg the depression today in unreal

We are in this pain together your not on your own xx

girlplease Mon 14-Apr-14 15:10:20

Donkeys I have no desire whatsoever to get at his dw, in absolute honesty. That has nothing to do with why I want to re-engage. I miss him so so so much is why. Yes, addiction about sums it up. Thanks for your advice - it makes sense.

NormalBloke, i've been on an alcohol fuelled depression roller coaster for the last 11 months so you have my full sympathy and thank you for your words.

I just thought i'd be even a little bit over it now but he's still my every thought when i'm not doing something. I'm exhausted. I've even tried hypnosis. I know I sound crazed.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Apr-14 15:23:43

Well that's good OP because he isn't a prize to fight over. If he isn't genuinely invested in rebuilding his marriage he could have decided to keep in contact with you as some sort of human safety net. And if he has now stopped contact with you that means he is either 100% with her or he has found someone else. You really don't need more complication.

Btw you haven't mentioned doing so, which I applaud you for, but don’t be tempted to exorcise your ex by dating anyone as a part of your therapy. It's not fair on him if you aren't over ex, it won't work and one more person will be hurt.

IrianofWay Mon 14-Apr-14 15:30:18

I guess it must be a little a bereavement. A sudden, unexpected ending, so different from what was planned.

From what I've read of affairs ( and i've read a lot recently hmm ) your continued low contact with him means you are now starting from day one. Time, distraction and more time. Sorry you are going through the mill x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 14-Apr-14 15:34:34

I think you simply have to give it time. You say it's been almost a year and that's really not that long when you're talking about quite extreme emotions. This is grief, red in tooth and claw. You can't speed up grief. Counselling has a place but I think there comes a point where the last thing you need to do is keep rehashing the story. Trying not to think about something is a contradiction in terms. If I say to you 'don't think about cheesecake', what's the first thing that pops into your head?

There will be more anniversaries, painful and otherwise, and they will not go away. Neither will your memories. What you will learn to do eventually (and think 'years' rather than 'months') is live with those memories without them causing you distress. Good luck

piratecat Mon 14-Apr-14 15:53:42

you haven't been over with him whilst still in contact so you have got to start from now.

i do understand the pain. others can say it till they are blue in the face but when you really start to see him for what in is you will start to recover op .
he let you down yes. i can also suspect him not leaving
is the best thing he did for you tbh.

NormalBloke Mon 14-Apr-14 15:55:59

Girl you are not a little bit over it for the simple fact he only cut you off 1 month ago.

In the last 11 months you have been feeding off his breadcrumbs that have been thrown your way

Unless you stop trying to get in touch you are going to back in Day 1 of recovery AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN

That is why you are so tortured but you are doing it to yourself.....Believe me I have been there before I know the score.

It could be worse haha...............I am trying to do NC with my dear wife but I cant escape her due to fact we have children together......So I have no choice but to keep facing her (imagine what that feels like!!!)....When we meet I just want to grab her pull her close and tell her how much I love her.

But I bloody cant as she has made her mind up......Its total and utter agony and I don't see how I can avoid it

You HAVE TO resist the temptation to get in touch....You must block any possible way he can get in touch with you.

It will take every ounce of fibre in your body to try and resist this urge but it can be done..It is the only way for you to begin the road to recovery....

I just hope I don't cave in as god know what I would do if she meets someone else etc....

Wow this is such a head fuck

Go well

girlplease Mon 14-Apr-14 16:23:17

pirate why do you think it is the best thing he did for me? I'm hoping it is but it doesn't feel like it!!

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