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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help please. Friend reported her H to ss

34 replies

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 19:42

Yesterday morning at 7.30am, I got a call from an old friend. We hadn't spoken for a while. She was on her way down to me she said she had problems. She has 3 kids and hubby whom I know fairly well. She was coming alone.
When she arrived she said she thought her hub was cheating on her as she had found a receipt from a bar with £100 bill.
I checked out the bar for her, it all seemed sound. He had told her he was going out to a work do anyway so I tried to reason with her.
She is obviously angry at him and has been for a while.
She said she was going to stay the night (at this point her husband has no clue where she is and he has the kids (all under 5)
Anyway she was ignoring his calls all day.
Then, she started saying she suspected he was sexually abusing the eldest and she was going to write a letter to ss.
(I have 3 kids myself btw and I grew up with abuse in my family)
My first thought (though I didn't tell her) was, if you think your husband is abusing your kids then why the hell have you run off and left them with him?!) This really got to me and I started doubting her story.
Later that evening she confessed she had fallen for someone else who she was meeting up with that day!
He story just doesn't add up and I noted several discrepancies.
Either she has lost her mind or couldn't give two hoots about her kids or this is a fabricated story to hurt him.
(they also have visa probs and she said this could help or or something)
God knows, but I am seriously doubting our friendship right now.

Anyway, she left our house at 6am. She left her stuff so assumed she was staying again. Didn't hear anything all day.
Then an hour or so ago she texted saying can I keep her stuff, she had called ss and reported him and she needed to go home. (including her computer)

Firstly, am I right in wondering if this us true or not and how long after ss hears about an allegation will they do something.

I've told dh, I just don't want to get involved, in fact he said he doesn't want her staying again. But she has to return some point for her stuff and because she stayed at ours when she made the allegation, could that involve us at all?

Frankly, we've enough of our own probes at the moment. I'd be first to help her if I thought all this sounded true but I am very sceptical.

OP posts:

Report

kinkyfuckery · 13/04/2014 19:59

Whether true or not, I wouldn't get involved. The only communication I'd have with her from now would be arrangement to pick up her stuff.

Finola1step · 13/04/2014 20:02

Stay well clear.

Finola1step · 13/04/2014 20:03

Hold on. Her computer? Has she left it at yours? Why?

orangepudding · 13/04/2014 20:03

Shoes she live close enough for you to drop her stuff round. I would be tempted to do that in order to keep out of her problems.

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 20:06

Finoka, yes, she said she didn't want her h to see stuff on it relating to the story? About 40 mins orange but I'd have to ask dh to take me as I don't drive.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/04/2014 20:34

This all sounds very dodgy. If I was you, I would ask dh to drive you there. Don't call her in advance until you are literally around the corner. Then simply say you we're in the area anyway, wanted to drop her stuff off as you can't hold anything for her. Don't worry if she gets peed off / sees through your story. If her dh is there at the time, so be it.

Then give this one a very wide berth. She sounds like a right drama llama.

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 20:44

Ty Finola, I think you are spot on.

OP posts:

SnotandBothered · 13/04/2014 21:11

I think the part about her having fallen from someone else is the root of everything.

I think she is desperately looking to cover tracks/emails/computer correspondence/meetings by roping you in as a misguided 'protector' of her movements.

I think the rest of a load of shit.

If she REALLY thought there was abuse at play, it would be all consuming to her - she wouldn't leave him in charge of the DC and she wouldn't be worrying about having extra marital affairs, she would be in PIECES trying to get to the bottom of this one issue.

Return her stuff and steer clear. She sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

forumdonkey · 13/04/2014 21:25

IMO her DH is probably not having an affair and its a legitimate drinks bill from a works do plus I doubt that he is abusing her DC's. Like has already been said WTF is she leaving her DC's with him if that is her suspicion? There is no way you would happily leave your DC's with someone you suspect is abusing them. Why has this only come to light the same time as she has started seeing someone else?

She sounds vile!! I would be telling her to collect her stuff and to find somewhere else to go with her dramas. If it is all made up about the abuse - her poor DH, I can't think of anything worse.

Don't be a party to her dramas and affair. She's no friend of yours OP she is just using you

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 21:25

I agree snot. She certainly wouldn't be thinking about having an affair!
I think she's just used me this time for real and that's a bummer as she knew things are not easy at the moment for us.
I'll get her stuff returned. No loss to me. Just hope ss see through the story if she has told them, for her husbands sake.
Can't believe the selfishness of it though and I would certainly not use my kids as 'pawns' (if it is lies)
I need lessons in assertiveness I told dh tonight.
I've been had ??

OP posts:

headlesslambrini · 13/04/2014 21:25

I agree. I think she is talking about the abuse because she probably thinks he wont be able to have access and she will have the upper hand.

SnotandBothered · 13/04/2014 21:28

Yes headless - planting seeds of doubt for future use should she decide to leave for OM. Selfish and dangerous.

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 21:29

Dh, said he would not have her here again forum, he also said to have nothing to do with it. Just sad really as we all knew each other. Our docs were friends etc.

OP posts:

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 21:31

Makes me so angry headless because for victims of real abuse it is just the vilest thing to do. Its a thorny subject for me and she knows it.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/04/2014 21:32

She sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

FabULouse · 13/04/2014 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

forumdonkey · 13/04/2014 21:51

Don't feel bad OP for being had. How was you to know the full 'drama' she was going to land on you when she arrived. You were a good friend. I'm not surprised its took you some time to get your head around it - I am and I don't know her

SnotandBothered · 13/04/2014 22:03

People having affairs are the most selfish people in the world.

They disengage from their families.
They stop at nothing to pursue the 'high' that the affair is giving them.
They will say ANYTHING to justify their behaviour to themselves (and others).

Everyone come second to someone in the throws of an affair. It's not personal and you are not a fool for expecting a friend to behave like a friend.

Your DH sounds sensible :)

Winstonrocked · 13/04/2014 22:07

Ty forum, fab, she will be dropped. I'm just going to say a prayer for her husband tonight then, I'll just follow the advice here and drop it.
This is all from people who call themselves Christians! Ah well, we live and learn ??

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/04/2014 22:47

Hang on! I think that you should be contacting SS and telling them what you have told us.

One of two things is going on here:-

Either she genuinely believes he is abusing but she'd rather see her new bloke than protect her child.

Or she doesn't but she wants rid of him so she's purposely lying in the hope that he'll be denied access.

Either way if you care about her kids at all I'm not sure you should be just walking away.

MyLatest · 13/04/2014 23:05

I agree with Mumoftwo. I think SS should be made aware of what she has said.

PowerPantsRule · 14/04/2014 01:19

Ditto - please tell SS OP.

MoominsAreScary · 14/04/2014 02:02

Im going with the last 3 posters, its really unfair on this man if he has done nothing. If he is and she has left them with him she isnt doing a good job of protecting them is she.

EllaFitzgerald · 14/04/2014 02:02

I second others views that you should contact Social Services and tell them what she's said. If it's not true, that poor man could have his life ruined, and if it is true, and it's taken a bar bill for her to report it, then the children need to be protected from her as well.

I wonder how on earth she thinks this situation is going to help with their visa issues?

BillyBanter · 14/04/2014 02:30

Please tell SS what you have told us. You can't stand by while she does this to her children and their father.

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