Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Stuck, what should I do?(20 Posts)
Me and my partner have1 child, I have another aged 20 who lives with us. We've been together for a long time time but only lived together since we bought our house 12years ago.
My problem is that my partner really hates my older son. He would say that he doesn't but really he does. It's gone on since we met, he seems jealous of our connection. The last few years have been hell. My son is a lovely bright boy but has never achieved as well as he might and has been a very difficult teen. His self esteem is not great and he drinks too much and takes recreational drugs. I worry about him constantly.
Late last year I sought counselling and eventually my partner went along too ( separately and reluctantly). Things improved. But today Dp totally had a go at my son about something ridiculous, it escalated into a full scale argument. My youngest was frightened and distressed as was I. This came out of the blue and was completely unjustified. I feel he is damaging us all. He shouted at me and now hasn't spoken to me all day. Something has snapped in me today after all the years of trying to keep it together and I just don't think I can anymore. But I feel stuck here, my younger son, our house. I work part time albeit in a good job. The house is in his name even although I put down a huge deposit and all my wages go on food, holidays etc. Not sure I would get a mortgage in my own right.
He won't speak to me, not sure that he's able to. He's not a bad man and really my son is the only thing we argue about. But when it blows up he's horrible. He's previously been very nasty indeed and told me I have no friends etc etc. Sometimes after an argument he doesn't speak to me for days/weeks.its been so much better recently that the reversion to past horrors has hit me badly. I cannot live like this but can't see a way out.
What should I do?
I think you should read what you just wrote as though a stranger had written it and see how you feel about those people and their relationship.
You say that your only problem is that your partner hates your elder son, but then you talk about how DP treats you and how he's been horrible, told you that you have no friends, doesn't speak to you for ages etc.
Those kind of things don't seem to me as though they're related to your son.
So I think the first thing you need to do is seek some legal advice about your situation if you split. You have left yourself dangerously exposed by putting down a deposit on a house owned by someone else when you're not married; did he bully you into this? A solicitor will be able to advise on how you might recover your equity.
I wonder if some of your ds1's esteem problems might stem from having to live with someone who both dislikes him and is jealous of him? Hardly the best environment for a teenager. Now that he's also frightening your ds2 I can't see why you would put either of them through it any more, although your ds1 at 20 is old enough to make his own decisions about where to live.
Presumably your financial situation would improve if you went back to full-time hours, is that a possibility?
I'm sorry to point this out, but I fear your sons problems can probably be back tracked to your living with this man. I would also say that you have allowed him to bully you and your son for a considerable time, and it has taken you this long to see this.
I take no pride in typing the above, but believe me when I say I see the havoc visited on kids because of the bad choices made by their parents. Maybe your son could begin to heal and turn his life around if you managed to get rid of this nasty piece of work.
Otherwise ide be worrying about the outcome for your second child
as well as yourself.
Honest I'm not trying to kick you when your down, but you need to see the bigger picture here and start connecting the dots. Your sons self medicating because he's hurting and no ones doing a thing about it, he needs you.
You say that your son drinks and takes recreational drugs.
Is it because of him being unhappy about your family arrangement?
Many boys his age move out - has he wanted to do it?
Does he work?
Or perhaps he is in the college?
At the age of 20 many young people want to be independent - what makes him to live with you if he hates your partner?
I could go back to working full time whenever I want. I have joined the dots for many many years but somehow have been stuck unable to move forward.
Legally im fucked with the house. I have to stay here until it is sold in order to get anything and although I had my own property before im not sure I would get a mortgage now. I love my house, my garden.
I love my kids more obviously. But I am now a bit old and really need to get something financial out of a split. Could I try to mend it? Do you think that he could change?
I think hes stuck too anti? He should want to but doesnt. He cant cope with money and responsibility etc but really I think its my fault. Hes mirroring my behaviour.
He could change ?
What like un doing the damage he has been allowed to do to your sons mental health ? You talk about your garden and what you might lose? Bloody hell are you actually reading what your typing,
It seems you see your child like a lost cause, but hey at least I might get something out of the house, after all you need a garden to tend etc.
It's a shame you have not and are not putting as much attention in to your sons predicament.
If your son is mirroring your behaviour - what both of you done to change that?
DOes he talk to you about his worries?
(I hope you don't mean drinking and drugs (smile))
Thats not actually fair I have always put my son first. His father has schizophrenia and my eternal worry is that he would also develop it at some point. It may not sound like it from my post but I am a strong advicate. I knew as I was typing what the replies would be.
It is extremely important your son goes off drugs if there's history of mental illness in family.
What has he done to change that?
Does your son work?
But the questions still stands why have you let this man in to your sons life, and the minute he started being abusive towards him not acted?
Not only has he seen his own Father deal with a terrible mental illness that has more than likely meant he has lost having him in his life in any meaningful way. He has lost his Mother as well because she took her eye off the ball, and has so far hardly acted in his best interests, it reads like your only worry is for your interest in that house.
Hes at college. Hes a talented and creative boy who is doing an arts related course. Its his third,course, dropped out of one other and kicked out of another previously. We support him financially.
He hasnt lost me. I am a very proactive person and mother. dp thinks that the fault is all mine, that if I vacked him up more ds wouldnt hace the issues he does.
If I were you I would go for family therapy. First with your older son.
Go for legal advice on where you stand with the house next week.
Op re read your initial post , you say he hates your older son and always has done since 12 yrs ago, you've always known it you say, so I'm guessing your son has always know it as well.
Yet you still persisted with the relationship and allowed your son to live in the shadow of the man who you say hates him. Your sons early teen years have been overshadowed by him, it's no wonder he has problems.
Do has known him since he was born as I knew him for many years before we got together. He has always been 'picky' and harsh and I have always tried to counteract this, I am not a blind didn't know what was happening sort of person, I have always argued and fought.
Family therapy would be good but where/how/how expensive and would Ds go?
!my younger son loves his dad. A split will be awful for him,
Its helpful to know from all of you that I wasn't just being precious. Thank you.
I had a stepfather !myself who treated us like shit and I always swore !ychildren would never go through it. Do said it clouded my judgment and he was nothing like him. But he is. Things aren't black and white, good people do bad things.
It is 35 pounds per 50 min here for a session. Some are more than that.
I'll paste website address tomorrow for you to search in your own area.
Has your son ever mentioned he needs some help?
Op because your son is under 25 he will be entitled to free counselling with the YMCA, just google them for your area.
Also they may be able to point you in the direction for other services such as family therapy.
Also he maybe able to access counselling in or through his college
Student services would be able to help with this if it's available
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.