Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what is the best way to introduce new man to my kids ?

(20 Posts)
wonderingwendy Fri 11-Apr-14 08:42:19

having been in a miserable marriage of 16 years we finally split a few months ago I met someone about 4 moths ago so a small overlap between the two although we didn't meet until my marriage was over.i didn't expect to fall for this guy so quickly, we met on a dating site and its like we have known each other for years. how do I go about introducing my 3 kids 16,13&7 to the idea of me having a boyfriend. its all too soon after their dad left but I don't want to hide this from them.

wannabestressfree Fri 11-Apr-14 08:47:37

I waited a year after a split from my sons dad and just saw new man when I didn't have the children. Even then it took them time. I wouldn't say you need to hide it (I was honest with my 17 year old who was 15 then) if I went out to cinema or something but didn't discuss it with the younger children or bring him to the house.
I think it's too soon sorry

expatinscotland Fri 11-Apr-14 08:49:13

Way too soon!

Way, way too soon.

Finola1step Fri 11-Apr-14 08:52:45

Too soon.

Enjoy the dating phase but keep it away from your dc. Your 16 year old is old enough to work out that there was an overlap. Tread vv carefully.

jaykay34 Fri 11-Apr-14 09:00:20

I agree it's too soon to be introducing him yet - I was with my partner for 6 months before I introduced him (and some would argue that's too soon).

If you don't want to be lying to your children - especially as they are older and will probably hold that against you once they find out - you could tell them that you are dating at the moment, but its nothing serious and you will see how it goes before introducing him. That way, if it does work out, they are prepared for it - but if it doesn't you haven't created a situation.

How do you think the children will handle it ?

wonderingwendy Fri 11-Apr-14 19:24:45

yes I know its too soon.they know im going on a first date tomorrow night with him.we will continue to date every week for months as yet.
I mean more like when its time how is the best way to go about it.i do worry they will reject him which would be awful.

waltermittymissus Fri 11-Apr-14 19:27:41

This isn't something that should even be on your radar yet!

Is it a first date tomorrow or is that what you've told your dc?

A first date doesn't make him your 'new man'. It makes him a complete stranger that you may or may not get to know depending on how you hit it off.

wonderingwendy Fri 11-Apr-14 19:37:28

no ive known him for 4 months its the first date that they know sure about him so far so I anticipate him being my boyfriend soonish but as far as the kids are aware this is just dating.

waltermittymissus Fri 11-Apr-14 19:45:00

But you began your relationship with him before the break up of your marriage?

Seriously, you need to leave this whole boyfriend stuff for now. It's too much too soon.

Have you been seeing him without their knowledge or do you 'know' him online only? Because you know that that's no real indication of who he actually is, don't you?

Have you seen Catfish?

madasa Fri 11-Apr-14 19:48:25

My sister has just moved her new man in 6 months after her 20 yr relationship finished.

My 15 year old niece has left to live with her father and my 12 yr old nephew is thoroughly miserable.

I can't even look at her at the moment.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread but just think children need a lot of time to adjust to their new situation. You were in an unhappy marriage but to your children I'm guessing he was still their dad and their worlds have been rocked.

Sophieelmer Fri 11-Apr-14 20:11:10

You shouldn't lie to them but maybe play it down a bit. They don't need to know how amazing you think he is, but be truthful about spending time with him.

However if this started while you were with you exdh, then end it now. It isn't fair to your kids to expect them to be friendly to a man they may feel has been instrumental in breaking their family.

wonderingwendy Fri 11-Apr-14 20:19:45

of course I have met him we have been dating for 2months and before that getting to know each other online for 2 months so 4 in total . everything checks out I'm not an idiot !
how on earth would my kids know anything about us before this first date ?
and he had nothing to do with the breakup of my marriage. its been awful for years and I had already told my husband it was over .he was just waiting to find a place to live. he hasn't bothered too much to be in contact with the kids and was in general a crappy dad.they have all said to me that they don't miss him.
you all have no idea of my back story so please don't assume things.

lavenderhoney Fri 11-Apr-14 22:32:57

He's nothing to do with them is he? Really he isn't.
Just date him and tell the dc he is a nice friend. And don't let him get all comfy in your house, staying over etc. 4 months is nothing!

Do you have lots of rl friends to talk to? And share how you feel?

RollerCola Fri 11-Apr-14 22:51:02

I met a new man 6 mths ago, 2 months after separating from my exh whom I'd been with for 23 years.

My children are 12 & 7 and I've not mentioned him to them at all yet, they don't even know I'm dating. Even though it's now been 9 months since me & their dad split up I feel that they are still adjusting to it and new partners would make it harder for them.

It's hard because I really like this new guy, and would love to see him more often. I currently see him once a week when the dcs stay at their dads. I would love to see him in the week as well but in order to do that I'd have to tell the kids and introduce them to him. I feel that would be quite selfish of me when I don't think they're ready, so for now I'm happy to take it very slowly and wait.

I plan to eventually drop his name into the conversation and say he's one of my new friends, and once they're comfortable with me saying I've been out with him I'll discuss them meeting him. But it will all be on their terms.

In all honesty I'm a bit scared to tell them as I'm very unsure of their reaction, which tells me that neither me nor them are quite ready yet.

Don't rush, enjoy seeing your new man, have fun. Just don't involve your children until you're 100% sure everyone is ready.

jaykay34 Sat 12-Apr-14 18:03:35

OP - when the time comes, ask your children what they would like to do. The situation will feel a bit staged the first time as everybody is subconsciously looking for the different reactions - so try and do something your kids will feel more natural doing.

We went for a meal in my kid's favourite restaurant. Felt a bit awkward and my daughter was in full showing off mode -but every meeting following that got easier.

plinkyplonks Sat 12-Apr-14 18:10:20

Erm, there was some overlap in my mum meeting someone new and divorcing my dad. I was 16 at the time .. it took 2 years of not talking to her and a few more years after that to forgive her for it.

Think you're in a no win situation as if you don't tell them and they find out they will think you're lying to them.

I'd just say to them that now you are single you will be dating other people. And when the right person comes along and the time is right (for both the kids and yourself) you will introduce them. Please don't force it on them (as my mum did) - I had no interest in meeting my new 'step dad'.

I think it's all far too soon.

KouignAmann Sat 12-Apr-14 18:14:03

Don't rush it, your kids are still hurting and don't want this complication and he may yet turn out to be a Loser.

HillyHolbrook Sun 13-Apr-14 00:28:31

Give it time until you're extra sure he's for keeps.

My mum introduced my stepdad to me really early on, she kind of had to because he knocked her up after only a few weeks, but this made me resent him even more because there they were, making their little family unit with me and mine being broken up. Later I found out DM actually had a long term affair with him and I resented him even more for breaking up my family. I do love him now, I consider him my parent, but there's a degree of awkwardness between us knowing that they are a family and I'm not.

My situation is different, but the feeling of being forced into a new 'family' is awful. I'd advise you to go slow, and also not to rush anything your kids don't want, like moving him in or going on holiday where they can't get away from him.

The worst part for me was being expected to respect and love this man I didn't even know yet, and he made no effort to earn it as he was a grown up and I was a child he was paying the bills for, making his views more important. Don't push your kids into a relationship with him, they may be a bit cold to begin with, which is okay so long as they aren't rude and nasty, and do listen if they tell you anything they dislike about him. It might be picking faults at first, but it's nice to consider them and have them know you still put them first.

Amytheflag Sun 13-Apr-14 03:25:58

Poor kids. No time to even breathe before a new man is being rammed down their throats. I'll never understand some women and what goes on inside their minds. You even know it's too soon, you say so in your OP, but steamroll ahead regardless. All you're worried about is him being rejected by them. Nothing about how they might feel or whether they will cope with it all. Selfish selfish selfish.

antimatter Sun 13-Apr-14 03:45:18

it's been 5 years since I split with my ex, I've met someone 4 months ago and am not thinking of introducing him for few months yet, not until I know for sure we are going to last
I like him a lot and the way we go - we are likely to be together fora long time
my kids are 14 and 16, my dd is about to take her gcse's - why would I add to her stress?
it is about my life and I need to take it slowly for all our sake

your 16 yo is doing her/his gcse's - please be mindful of stress they went through with your split and your eldest exams

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now