should i be worried?

[savethedramaforyamama]

Hi everyone new on here but wanted your opinions. So been with dh for 13 years, we have 3 dc aged 8, 6 and 8 months. Recently he has been texting a girl from work a lot and he has been going out after work a lot more, anyway I'm not proud of this but I looked at his phone whilst he was in the bath (was surprised he didn't take it in with him really as he never usually lets it out of his sight) anyway I read some of their text conversations and while there was nothing ott they were very familiar, calling each other nicknames and in one she put "can't wait for London" I know they went to a conference together down there but why "couldn't she wait?" Also there was one of her replying to him with "I'm not sure hot lips will catch on" (there wasn't one from him so I don't know if he deleted it or if he called her that earlier in the evening as they were on yet another drink after work) they are going out tonight and he was going to stay over and crash at one of the guys from work's house but then he said he'd booked a hotel and one of the texts from her was "I've had an idea" and then there was a link to a laterooms hotel site. I know I may not have been as attentive to him recently what with being pregnant and then dealing with a colicky baby I have been so tired we have only had sex a handful of times since dd was born. But should I be worried or Is this just a friendship that I am overreacting to?

[TonyThePony]

I, sadly, don't think you're overreacting.

Hope I'm wrong, sense I'm not.

[FallenAngel22]

I'm afraid I agree with the above. My spidey senses would be ringing overtime.

[Quitelikely]

If I was you I would spy on them at the hotel tonight. Or get someone else to.

I just wouldn't let my dh go for drinks on a regular basis with a female colleague.

[crispyporkbelly]

Sounds like an emotional affair, at best

[savethedramaforyamama]

I have talked to him a while ago about her and said I felt uncomfortable with how much they text each other and he denied anything going on and recently he showed me a picture of her saying "oh doesn't X look awful in this picture?" But I thought it was a bit of "protesting too much" iyswim. I can't spy on them as a) I have the kids to watch and b) don't know which hotel they are at - I didn't click on the link she sent him.
The thing is Quitelikely he has always said there has been a big group of them from work going out but now I'm wondering if it has actually just been the two of them

[sarahquilt]

Sounds v dodgy to me.

[Needadvice5]

Oh dear it doesn't sound good at all but you probably need to have a plan to catch him out or call his bluff??

Can you access his FB to get any more evidence? ?

[savethedramaforyamama]

He's not on fb

[RedandChecker]

Oh OP I am sorry this doesn't sound good at all.
What do you want to do from here?
If this was me in your shoes, I wouldn't tell him I have seen the texts as he can deny and delete and be more guarded In the Future with his phone. I would keep snooping until I found something a bit more like hard evidence?

That's just me though.
I hope for your sake it is innocent, but it doesn't look good I am afraid

[savethedramaforyamama]

RedandChecker it doesn't sound good does it? Was worried I was overreacting but am reassured that you all see what I see. I don't really know what I want to do - like you said if I confront him now there isn't really anything concrete. I feel I may have pushed him to do it because I've been so preoccupied with the baby

[RedandChecker]

OP you are the mother of his children and you are in a partnership. Looking after 3dcs and one which is small
Is bound to take it's toll and your 'attention' and as the father he should understand that, if he was to see that as an excuse to go elsewhere that is not your fault. That is all him. Do not blame yourself whatsoever, you've just been being a brilliant mum.

[ChasedByBees]

You are not to blame for anything, you're meant to be preoccupied by a baby, it's called parenthood!

Their texts are absolutely unacceptable and pretty damning. Could you take an image or screenshot?

[savethedramaforyamama]

RedandChecker

[savethedramaforyamama]

ChasedByBees I wouldn't know how to screenshot them (not that technology minded)

[Blushingm]

I have male friends and we tease one another but I'd be furious if dh wouldn't let me go for a drink with the friend etc!! Just because he's male and I'm female doesn't mean we are going to have an affair!!!!

Talk to you dh

[savethedramaforyamama]

I have never not let him go Blushingm and I have talked to him but he brushes my concerns aside

[ALittleStranger]

Blushing do you talk like the OP's DP with your friends? Particularly friends from work?

These threads always tend to get bogged down in the principle of male-female friendships rather than looking at the actual situation. And in this case I don't think the OP is at all over-reacting. Even if they aren't having a sexual affair yet there are risk factors aplenty.

[RedandChecker]

There is a difference between male-female relationships and something like the op describes which shows some red flags. I hope it is an innocent friendship but it does have some alarm bells and it seems that op has been very understanding of their relationship in the past, instincts aren't something to ignore plus op has more than just her instincts to go by here.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Seriously blushing, you think this is just a friendship? Kept Secret from his wife, private names, planning a hotel trip, staying out all night to be with her, etc. What stupid point are you trying to prove?

Op, you know well what's going on here.

[savethedramaforyamama]

I didn't want this to become a "when harry met Sally" moment as in "can men and women ever just be friends?" I don't deny men and women can be friends I have male friends myself I just thought their relationship seemed a little dodgy and inappropriate and possibly something to worry about.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

She's sent him a link for a hotel room for tonight when he's told you he's crashing at a friends?

This is more than a little inappropriate, no? Sorry op.

[bumbleymummy]

I would be worried and would definitely be having a very serious conversation with him about it. No way would I let him just brush this aside. The hotel thing in particular would be ringing alarm bells and waving flags all over the place!

[savethedramaforyamama]

Yeah I know JohnsFarleysRuskin but he did change his story to that he was staying at a hotel coz yesterday morning I said to him "if you are staying at your mates house tomorrow night should you take some spare clothes into work today so he can take them home so you have them for Friday morning?" And then he said "oh actually I'm gonna stay in a hotel now coz X doesn't have a spare room so I'd have to sleep on his sofa" not defending him just saying that he did admit that he's nit crashing at his friends

[bumbleymummy]

Did he not tell you which hotel it was? What if you needed to contact him in there was an emergency or something?

[savethedramaforyamama]

bumbleymummy he has his mobile which he never turns off or never leaves his side