Something more to this friendship?

[FallenAngel22]

Ok I need some sensible perspective on what I think is a totally innocent situation but others are teasing me it's not.

Last summer I did a college course and one of the subjects I found difficult. I am a mature student returning to education and my tutor was happy for me to see him outside of the lesson in his office to go over topics so I could keep up with the rest of the class. Nothing untoward, just the topic at hand and sometimes conversation about what we liked/watched on TV etc. I managed to pass the course with a great grade, partly thanks to him.

Fast forward to September last year and I emailed him re something about the course. He replied and at the end he asked me when I would be paying him a visit. So we arranged to meet in the college cafe for a coffee. We've been doing this ever since, every 5-6 weeks or so. Again, nothing untoward, we talk about personal stuff but nothing that I would consider crosses a line at all. We email sporadically in between and I would consider us to be friends.

However, today I bumped into another tutor after coffee with him and she asked why I was there. I told her I'd been for coffee with him (seen her in previous times after coffee) and she said as I'd been to see him again people would start to think something is going on! I got really embarrassed, mainly coz I never gave it a 2nd thought, but felt I had to justify nothing was going on. My other friends who know both of us, but no longer keep in contact with him, keep making sly comments and now I'm starting to get paranoid.

So as not to drip feed, I sent him an email wishing him and his family merry xmas and he sent one back with a kiss on it. I also found something on the internet he was looking for one time and send it the other week, again I got a thank you, you star with another kiss on it! I have never sent messages to him with kisses on as I don't want to give any wrong impression! Now I'm grown up enough to know men and women can be friends, a kiss on a message doesn't mean diddly squat but now, in context of the above, I can't help wonder...

I mean, why me? There were 20 0dd other mature students in his class last year, none of them meet him for coffee. I must add he's a great guy and I really like him as a friend but hate having to justify our friendship. Incidentally, I have another friend who was a tutor, but because she's female, no-one bats an eyelid when I meet up with her!

Am I reading too much into this?!!! I don't intend to do anything but carry on as normal, yet can't help feeling like I'm doing something wrong...

[LokiTheCynicalCat]

It sounds like you are the only one who thinks it's innocent... Including the tutor! Putting X's on things is flirty.

[Finola1step]

Is he married? Any children?

[FallenAngel22]

Yes he's married with kids. Never talks about he wife but does talk about the children.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I think that the kiss is less telling than the fact that he never talks about his wife. I'm always dropping my DP's name into conversation, as he's a big part of my life.

I think it's a shame that anyone thinks you're doing something wrong if it's all above board for both of you. If it were me I think next time I met up with him I'd mention that people have been making jibes about it and that you'd be really embarrassed for people to think there is anything other than friendship between you, as he is married and you really don't think of him that way.

His reaction to that will let you know if he's on the same page as you, in which case bugger what anyone else thinks, or whether he's disappointed, in which case you've set him straight and might find your meetings dwindle.

[FallenAngel22]

Thanks Lynda. That is what I had in mind. I just hope I don't scare him off being friends cos of what others think. We get on really well and have loads in common.

Why do friends get all judgy about men/women friendships?!!

[Finola1step]

Hmm. I'm with Lynda. Drop it into conversation next time you see him. But be wary, something doesn't sit quite right with me on this one. Think it is the never mentioning his wife but talks about the dc.

[FallenAngel22]

I must admit the kiss thing did make me think but then I decided I was over reacting because female friends do it and I don't bat an eyelid! He was talking about the kids today and the wife got a fleeting mention but nothing significant.

[SoleSource]

I'd stop seeing him, personally.

[FallenAngel22]

But part of me thinks why should I? Nothing untoward has happened save from a few possible innocent kisses on emails and gossip! If he was female none of my friends would care.

[SoleSource]

Yes, I understand but it is making you uncomfortable, doubting his intentions and people are gossiping about you.

[furlinedsheepskinjacket]

ime male/female friendships don't work or rather they only work if the male is after you
men who aren't interested in me tend to not bother iyswim

[MexicanSpringtime]

Oh hell, just enjoy your friendship. There are lots of people who really don't believe men and women can ever be friends, but if you are going to live your life by their standards, you'll have no life at all as you can never please everyone.

[FallenAngel22]

I think I'm just going to mention it as per advice up thread and gauge his reaction. If I lose him as a friend as a result then I guess it was never a true friendship in the first place.

[aegeansky]

A kiss at the end of a message can have no special meaning (I put a single kiss at the end of messages to my female friends, sometimes two if they do as well - I just echo back what I get, approximately) or it can be flirty. (Note that I am now single so there are no boundary issues here). But I mean friends, nothing more.

I think it might be an idea to send him a friendly but unambiguous email saying that you enjoy your friendship, but just to be clear, since he's married, blah blah...If he takes offence, that's his problem. He is married, you are not.

The no mention of his wife is a significant avoidance, from where I'm standing.

MexicanSpringtime, of course men and women have the potential to be friends, but it just doesn't work if one is romantically or sexually attracted to the other. Obvs.

[MadeMan]

"Why do friends get all judgy about men/women friendships?!!"

It's just what people do. Talk to a woman during work and I'll get someone make a comment like, "So, you gonna give her one later on then?" as a joke. Happens everywhere.

[FallenAngel22]

I get what you're saying MadeMan but there's too many people making noises on this one and seriously so at times!

One sensible friend said to be tonight "if it feels wrong then it probably is".

[Wrapdress]

The rumors can be bad enough - you can't win with the rumors. Ignore them and you appear to have a secret. Deny them and you appear defensive and guilty. Rumors alone can ruin your reputation.

I would not contact him anymore. Don't explain.

[badbaldingballerina123]

What's with the why me questions ? Why me what exactly ?

I think you know full well it's inappropriate. People aren't making sly comments , they're indicating it's not appropriate and they don't aprove.

[cheapskatemum]

I have this with a male friend made through church. We're both married though & spouses also get on. We've agreed to ride out the rumours, for the reasons some have put above: we share a lot of interests, to deny the rumours appears overly defensive and we don't see why other people's active imaginations should dictate our lives.

I think raising the topic, bringing it out into the open, as others have suggested and as you've taken on board, is a good idea. Let us know how it works out!

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

Bald ballerina' post is spot on. People disapprove. That's how society and communities work. Others see a possible problem quicker than those in the situation themselves. Look for a different friend.

[FallenAngel22]

Thanks for all the views.

The question why me was my attempt to rationalise that, after being in his classwith over 20 other students, why he chose to strike up a friendship or more with me.

I intend to do as I said above. Next time I see him I will indicate what others have said and gauge his reaction.

Nothing untoward at all had happened. We always meet for coffe in the cafe so not secret trysts or anything.

[Gurnie]

I guess he likes or fancies you. It's simple really isn't it?! However, meeting up every 5 to 6 weeks in a neutral place to chat isn't really overly daring is it? I think you are right to casually broach it with him. It's clear that you feel just friendship towards him so hopefully he will confirm that it's the same from his side and if he doesn't you can nip it in the bud.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I don't understand why you are questioning why he chose to strike up a friendship with you in this , why me , way , there was twenty other students sort of way. Cut the shit.

You said yourself that after the course finished you emailed him for some bogus reason about the course. I can't really imagine why you would need to contact him , but either way , considering you contacted him , it was you that sought him out , not the other way round. You struck up the friendship, not him.

You also say that friends who know you both ,but don't keep in contact with him , keep making sly comments about it. That's because you probably keep going fucking on and on about it. They only know what you tell them and your clearly talking about him enough for them to comment..

As for finding stuff for him on the internet , presuming he's a qualified teacher and not some sort of gimp, I can't imagine he actually needed your help. Maybe his wife could have helped him find it if he's that stupid.

I doubt his wife would be happy about any of this , you contacting him, the kisses , the rumours, or it being such a big deal your posting on line about it. As for raising the issue , this is a fairly typical way to acknowledge that there's some attraction or something going on ie , oh tutor , you'll never believe , people think we're having an affair ect.

Your making a fool of yourself both with him , and your friends. You've been told.by several people in real life it's inappropriate. I don't know what's going on with you in real life , but your far too interested in him.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op what you are doing is a well tried and tested approach to feel him out on the idea of an affair and escalate things. There are no rumours and no gossip , just people reacting to the things that your saying about it. It's sort of a indirect way of saying, because I talk and gush about you all the time , people think we're having an affair . It's a significant thing to do and very deliberate on your part.