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Great new man, but lives an hour away and both have busy lives. Is there a future?

(111 Posts)
Scarey123 Sun 06-Apr-14 18:21:05

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nkf Sun 06-Apr-14 18:26:38

I'd say you are seeing quite a lot of him for a three month relationship. Or about what I would expect.

Scarey123 Sun 06-Apr-14 18:33:10

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nkf Sun 06-Apr-14 18:35:44

Well, you could always leave it for a bit and see further down the line.

oldfashionedgirl Sun 06-Apr-14 18:46:38

I am in a similar situation where we only get to see each other once or twice a week due to both our shifts and he has his child every weekend. 1 or 2 evenings a week just doesn't seem like a lot.

Is it enough if a relationship gets serious?

Scarey123 Sun 06-Apr-14 18:51:20

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oldfashionedgirl Sun 06-Apr-14 19:01:55

I don't want to give up something that could be really good because of future worries. The time goes so quickly when we are together and the time apart drags! I don't know how people married to oil rig workers and soldiers do it.

2 months so not long.

CountessOfRule Sun 06-Apr-14 19:09:14

I had a LDR of eighty miles. We saw each other once a fortnight for lots of sex. Eventually I moved to where he was.

We are now married with three children. It can work!

Scarey123 Sun 06-Apr-14 19:31:03

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DotCottonsHairnet Sun 06-Apr-14 19:38:30

I am in a similar situation - new boyfriend of 4 months lives 50 miles away. He has no kids and lives near his work - bought house just before we got together.

I live with my teenagers who are both still in school and will be for another 2/3 years.

See each other one or twice a week at the moment but we chat on messenger and skype every day smile

If it all works out then once my teens are out of school we will probably move in together - but thats a while away.

RRRJ83 Sun 06-Apr-14 19:39:29

I wouldn't worry if you are happy as you are now. I lived 250 miles away from my now husband. It was a year before we decided to move closer to each other (we both moved nearer to his work). Never been happier. In a year, see how you feel.

SirChenjin Sun 06-Apr-14 19:46:03

You're at the dating stage - you're not meant to be seeing each other much more at this stage! These are the exciting early days where you live for the days when you see each other, and a week can seem like forever <wistful>

An hour is nothing imo - DH lived an hour away when we first met and then got a job 2.5 hours away for a few months after he was made redundant, before managing to find something in the city where I was living and working - and that was 20 years ago.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be smile

Walkacrossthesand Sun 06-Apr-14 19:46:56

Also, in 2 short years (they'll fly by!) you'll be in a position to make 'home' somewhere other than 'where your DCs are at college' - this isn't for ever.

Bananasandnutella Sun 06-Apr-14 20:09:36

It depends what you're looking for. I did a long distant thing and whilst he was great, he couldn't offer me what I wanted or needed. I wanted a normal relationship and I felt when we had our snatched moments together it would be full of 'specially' organised things that it would never have been able to be a normal relationship.

Both have you have to be commited.

Scarey123 Mon 07-Apr-14 08:52:05

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SirChenjin Mon 07-Apr-14 09:14:11

Every relationship is different and each one moves through the various stages at its own pace - it's impossible to say that a relationship has definitively moved beyond stage X or Y. For example, DH were engaged after 6 weeks (it's a family thing, his DM and DDad got engaged after a long weekend and were happily married for over 50 years!), so we were clear where we were from an early stage, whereas my own parents took 8 years to get married and my sister and her DH took 6.

I'm sure everything is fine and that you'll hear from him later today smile

Scarey123 Mon 07-Apr-14 09:43:16

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SirChenjin Mon 07-Apr-14 20:35:44

How did things go today? smile

Scarey123 Tue 08-Apr-14 06:41:35

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Walkacrossthesand Tue 08-Apr-14 07:06:44

All you can do is wait - which is why it's so important, in r'ships, that people don't do this ie suddenly change the tempo of contact - it leaves the other 'hanging´ and helpless.

On the other hand, there is something about sustainability of contact in an LDR - if, for example, there's no prospect of you living together for a while, them a 'good morning'/'good night' contact every single day might be too much to keep up. Everyday life/falling asleep on sofa can get in the way!

And certainly don't rush over demanding explanations. Dignified silence, and a quiet assessment of how long he takes to make contact (you've tried enough now) and how good his reason is for not.

Somewhereovertherainbows Tue 08-Apr-14 07:35:29

An hour is nothing TBH.
If you both lived in London for example it would take an hour to cross from one side of the city to the other!

I lived 2-3 hours from my now DH. We saw each other every weekend for 3 years. Now been married for 30 years.

Neither of us had children when we met , but I did leave my job and friends, and move to where his work was.

LDR can work but there has at some point be compromise.

But on the other hand, I don't think of an hour apart as long distance.

Somewhereovertherainbows Tue 08-Apr-14 08:07:53

Re-reading you first post, I'd simply say 'slow down'

FAR too soon after 3 months to be talking about the future.

I also question if seeing someone twice a week is really that odd or unacceptable? In the early stages of a relationship, then a weekly or twice weekly date is IMO the 'norm'- more so if you have jobs and children to consider. How many times a week would you expect to see someone if they lived nearer?

I'm sorry- but you do sound rather 'full on' for someone 12 weeks into a relationship and I'm surprised he hasn't run off in fear with all the heavy chats!

In 2 years your DCs will be off to uni presumably and your circumstances will change.

Also- there is no reason surely why, if it came to a choice, he couldn't move closer to you because even though he has his DC every other weekend, it would not be an huge problem to have an hour between them?

Sorry if I sound a bit unsympathetic but it's very very early days and with 2 DCs to consider I think you need to take your time with any relationship and stop treating every new man as if they were a lifelong partner.

As I said, there were 85 miles between me and DH ( with London in the middle) and we saw each other for 2 nights each weekend for 3 years until we got married. We alternated the driving and managed the odd holiday in between but that was it.

SirChenjin Tue 08-Apr-14 08:21:14

I'm going to de-bunk your theory somewhere - DH and I were engaged after 6 weeks (20 years of marriage now), and his parents got engaged after a long weekend (more than 50 years of marriage), so it's not at all too soon to be talking about the future if you both feel it's right - and the OP has already said they were both talking about the future.

OP - Walkacrossthesand's post is spot on. It's not fair for him to leave you like this, so play it cool (easy for me to say, I know), wait until you hear from him and see what he has to say for himself. Once you've heard his reason then you can make a better assessment of the relationship, and decide if it's what you want thanks

Somewhereovertherainbows Tue 08-Apr-14 08:37:33

Sir- I think you are confusing two issues here. Whirlwind romances and LDR issues.
For every 6-week romance that has a happy ending there are probably 99% which end long before the commitment is made permanent- yours is an exception and I assume you both didn't have children?

They might be both talking about the future, but are they speaking the same language? smile

Looking at the latest posts where he has disappeared it looks to me as if they are not really singing from the same hymn sheet and they OP may have frightened him off.

If one person starts talking about commitment very early on, it's tempting for the other to agree and get caught up in it all ( in the full flush of great sex etc etc) but in so many instances cold reality hits one of the couple and they decide they need to slow the tempo down a bit- I think that is what is going on here.

SirChenjin Tue 08-Apr-14 08:39:23

No, I'm perfectly clear - no confusion here smile

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