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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Partner wanking in bed next to me

89 replies

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:08

I know he uses porn a lot and our sex life has gone downhill. We probably only have sex a couple of times a month now.

Yesterday morning I was awake in bed and heard him start wanking. The noises and breathing confirmed this. I lay there for a minute shocked and then asked him what the hell he was doing. He quickly stopped and said he wasn't doing anything. I got mad at him and he got up and went to work.

He now denies that he was doing anything at all and says I woke him up. I'm not stupid. I know what was happening. He won't discuss it and thinks I should just forget it but I can't. He says he rarely watches porn but his phone is always set to private browsing as he knows I can check his history. What should I do?

OP posts:

Report

VivaLeBeaver · 05/04/2014 23:12

I guess he thought you were asleep, woke with an erection and didnt want to bother you.

I've woken up in the small hours once or twice to find dh doing it. Can't say I was bothered.

VivaLeBeaver · 05/04/2014 23:12

Have you spoken to him about your sex life if you're not happy?

ThisFenceIsComfy · 05/04/2014 23:14

I'm sorry but waking up to find someone wanking right next to me would bother me. I'm not sure I can articulate why.

mummyOF4darlings · 05/04/2014 23:18

Im not married but whenever been in relationships wanking has not botherd me at all, we all do it at some point. If your in a loving comfortable relationship i dont think there should be an issue with him doing it while your next to him asleep.

I guess we are all different though, and im guessing that its more the lack of intimacy thats bothering you which think you need to have a serious chat to him about and also tell him your concerns about the porn

NurseyWursey · 05/04/2014 23:19

What should you do?

Tell him he doesn't have to lie to you and that what he does with his own body is fine.

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:27

I'm fine about it together or if he's on his own. Just not with me lying there.

Yes the general lack of interest is the major problem but he just denies that there's a problem.

OP posts:

MostWicked · 05/04/2014 23:36

Why do you feel so uncomfortable about him doing it when you are there?

Wouldn't and doesn't bother me.

I suspect that the main issue is actually with your sex life. You need to talk to each other, without criticising, to try and come up with some ideas to spice things up a bit.

Flippsy · 05/04/2014 23:42

There is nothing to be shocked at here.

If you are giving him the third degree about it no wonder he denies it.

Can't you put a smile on your face and offer to help him out?

peggyundercrackers · 05/04/2014 23:42

Instead of shouting at him and getting angry why didn't you join in? So what if he was wanking next to you, it's no big deal.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 05/04/2014 23:45

Blooming hell! Now even though she doesn't feel like it nor does she enjoy him wanking next to her, she has to put a smile on her face and help him out???

I'm a proper grumpy prude it seems

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:47

It's a big deal when he doesn't want sex. If everything else was normal then maybe I wouldn't be so bothered.
To me this isn't normal. Do it together or in another room.

OP posts:

NurseyWursey · 05/04/2014 23:51

OP try to not connect masturbation and sex.

He isn't masturbating instead of having sex with you. Just because the end result is the same doesn't mean they are the same.

I masturbate when I'm bored, when I'm a bit turned on.. it's just a bit of personal time and it has nothing to do with me and DP (who also haven't had sex for a while) it's not connected at all.

I sort of see it as you getting yourself a snack, verses having a sit down meal with your family

So try not to get down about that, I very much doubt he's choosing to masturbate instead of having sex with you. Talk to him about how you feel.

Kormachameleon · 05/04/2014 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:54

But maybe if he didn't have so many snacks between meals he would want his meals more?!

OP posts:

NurseyWursey · 05/04/2014 23:54

If my DP told me I couldn't masturbate whilst he was asleep at the side of me I'd be very

and I'd say

'oh so you're fine with YOU giving me an orgasm, but can't stomach me giving myself one'

Then tell him to grow up.

Flippsy · 05/04/2014 23:55

"Mmm I see your feeling a little frisky there young man...can I join in?"

"Oh my god what do you think you are doing you pervert stop that at once"

Which approach do you prefer?

NurseyWursey · 05/04/2014 23:57

But maybe if he didn't have so many snacks between meals he would want his meals more?!

Haha that's a good reply!

Honestly though it doesn't work like that, we don't have a limited amount of 'hornyness'. It's not all gone because we've had a wank. I really don't think that's the issue.

Lots of couples end up having less sex and get stuck in a rut, talk to him and sort it out. I spoke to my DP last night because I wanted to ask him was everything ok, and was he bothered by the lack of sex.

He was surprised and said no, he loves sex with me but it's just not a big a deal as it once was. But was very willing to spark it up again! Maybe you'll get a similar reply?

Usedtoloveme · 05/04/2014 23:58

Obviously I'm a prude who should be grateful to him for doing this next to me so that I can ask him if I can help out.

OP posts:

NurseyWursey · 06/04/2014 00:01

No you're not a prude and you shouldn't be grateful, but you shouldn't condemn him for it either. He's doing no harm, it's completely natural and I don't see why it's disrespectful as some people say

Robfordscrack · 06/04/2014 00:05

you check his phone?

Allofaflumble · 06/04/2014 00:07

He could at least take his wiener to the bathroom! it is inconsiderate if not disrespectful. From now on keep a sharpened knife on the bedside table! Only joking OP. I would not like it either but am off men and their bloody stiffies!

mummyOF4darlings · 06/04/2014 00:09

I dont think its disrespectful at all either. Obviously there is a time and a place for it but i wouldnt see a problem with it been done in the marital bed.

Like i said further up though each to their own and sounds like there are other underlying issues that need dealing with.

OP dont beat yourself up too much try not to force him to open upto you but you do need to try and get to the bottom of whatever it is

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Jolleigh · 06/04/2014 00:17

I really don't understand what's apparently disrespectful about wanking next to your partner.

On the other hand, you go through his phone and your reaction to him having a stroke is pretty much designed to make him feel dirty.

Usedtoloveme · 06/04/2014 00:18

Robfordscrack - no, I do not check his phone but we use each other's whenever. He knows that in our business we sometimes need to use the history on a computer/phone/tablet and that I would know what I was looking at.

OP posts:

barkwithnobite · 06/04/2014 01:22

OP this is only wrong because it made you feel uncomfortable. Everyone will have varied opinions....it's not a big deal for one's partner to wank, and the fact that you couldn't either make jest or join him, means something is wrong. I personally would much rather he have a wank than wake me all the time, but I sense you would have been happy to oblige had you been woken up - speak to him. He's not a perv, and I'm not surprised he denied it if he felt embarrassed....

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