Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone regret deciding it was too bad to stay?

(49 Posts)
Placeinthesun Sat 05-Apr-14 15:59:51

.... Or have you left and been happier even if you have not a new DP?

For those in relationships where there was no EA/PA but things tipped to the too bad to stay side and the love was replaced with anger and resentment or you drifted apart have you regretted your decision to leave? Are you happier in your new life or do you wish you had settled for what you had our stayed for the sake of the dc's?

On the cusp of going, terrified of being alone.

onetiredmummy Sat 05-Apr-14 16:22:58

I have not regretted one single minute of leaving. I'm happier, the children are happier & I've found somebody else & am happier than I have been for years.

Its daunting but its doable & it will be OK smile

BertieBotts Sat 05-Apr-14 16:23:46

No. I do have a new DH but I was happier even when single. Even when it was really stressful smile

CurtWild Sat 05-Apr-14 16:30:27

No, I don't regret it, it's almost seven weeks since DC and I left and we're far happier and settled than we ever were. I miss the 'good' him, but I know I made the right decision for us. It's not easy but it all comes good (housing/finances wise) quicker than you imagine.
No plans at all to find another partner, I need to be in a far better place emotionally before I'd even contemplate that, if ever, and I'm enjoying finding myself again and being the best mummy to my 3 babies as possible.
Good luck x

Lovingfreedom Sat 05-Apr-14 16:31:58! grin

whitsernam Sat 05-Apr-14 16:38:26

Errr...No! And my kids asked why I had stayed so long.... No new DP, and I'm just fine with that.

Hassled Sat 05-Apr-14 16:40:31

I left my first H - no abuse or anything but tiptoeing round each other, constantly tense, unhappy atmosphere etc (and then he was unfaithful). And it was like a weight had been lifted - you don't realise how exhausting living a life of permanent stress and tension is until it's over and you can relax.

PlantsAndFlowers Sat 05-Apr-14 16:40:37


One year on. Single. It's absolutely brilliant.

nomoretether Sat 05-Apr-14 16:44:02

6yr Marriage - no regrets, took 2 yrs to fully get over - he got OW pregnant within 6weeks and moved her into family home before I'd officially left. More upset about losing "marriage" than being without him. No regrets at all.

2yr relationship - took about a month to get over, leaving was the best thing I ever did. Definitely no regrets.

Life's too short to be unhappy.

Placeinthesun Sat 05-Apr-14 17:01:35

Nomore - it is giving up the 'marriage' that is worrying me I think ... All the family and couple stuff, Easter hols have started here and all I have seen out and about today are lovely happy looking family units.

CaptainAmericaMmmYesPlease Sat 05-Apr-14 17:08:17

I think all of us here hoped for that lovely, happy looking family unit. Personally it's all I ever wanted. But the reality is anyone can 'look' happy, it doesn't mean they are.

PlantsAndFlowers Sat 05-Apr-14 17:36:54

When I see happy family units these days I remember how we would have looked 'perfect' to the outside world.

LavenderGreen14 Sat 05-Apr-14 17:38:42

I am happier, and no, I don't need a new partner to complete that happiness. Much better on our own. And many of those strolling around hand in hand are not happy behind 4 walls at all. Life isn't like the adverts.

DirtySkirtings Sat 05-Apr-14 18:03:24

Left 5 years ago and never regretted it for a moment.

I've dated since, but nothing serious, and at the moment I don't particularly want a serious relationship because I enjoy the little bit of time I get to myself too much smile

Effic Sat 05-Apr-14 18:21:25

6 mths on after leaving 15 year marriage. I left because I felt there had to be more to life than tiptoeing around a miserable man who seemed unable to ever find joy in anything. He's a good dad and my DS has found the spilt hard. He is coping well and I feel our relationship will be ok but he would, of course, prefer for things to be as they were and I have shaken his faith/trust in me by changing his world. This is going to take time to repair. I have a small circle of amazing friends but they are nearly all married with kids - combine that with only being free to go out on days when DS is with dad - means lots of nights alone in flat with TV. I now feel like I want a relationship but can not see how on earth I will ever meet anyone. Friends - I know everyone they know; work - I work in female dominated area and I'm too old to be meeting people in bars so I feel very sad that at 40 it appears I am going to be on my own now ( & I really miss sex!!) And don't believe any nonsense about evening classes or OLD being places to meet people - both are full of awful men with a few lucky exceptions. Moving from big house to small flat and having less money hasn't bothered me at all.
So am I glad I did it? Yes because I can be me, not an emotional crutch to a miserable man, BUT it is hard - very hard and often lonely.

chrome100 Sat 05-Apr-14 18:21:26

Yes, me.

We were together 7 years. Things had got a bit...stale. He had an alcohol problem, we no longer had sex and he was very depressed. I felt my eyes wandering, wanting to be single. So I decided to leave. I have regretted it ever since and wished I'd stayed and worked harder on the relationship.

I have a new DP now (of 2 years). I love him very much but my deepest, darkest secret is that I think my ex was probably the love of my life and I made a huge mistake.

CurtWild Sat 05-Apr-14 18:37:02

chrome I have no doubt that stbxh is the love of my life, but it was painfully evident that the feeling wasn't mutual. It broke my heart to leave, even though it was without doubt the best thing to do. Better that than losing myself, dying a little more each day, and my DC witnessing his daily verbal abuse.
No regrets.

NettleTea Sat 05-Apr-14 18:59:27

never any regrets, never for one moment. even on my worst days alone, with whatever comes my way, I would NEVER want to be back in that situation

I spent four and a half years married to an abusive man. I knew at the reception it was a mistake but I stuck with it in the mistaken belief that I was being a good wife.

After leaving, I spent nine years as a single parent, and didn't regret a single day. No matter how hard things got, they weren't as hard as staying in that marriage would have been.

I have now been married for seven and a half years (so far!) to a man who treats me as an equal and truly loves me.

vichill Sat 05-Apr-14 19:42:01

God no. Don't waste your life flogging a dead horse, miserable and unfulfilled.

I look back with a mixture of horror/revulsion/bemusement. I used to be so weak and dominated. Your feelings of fear and expectation of loneliness mean he's done a good job on mine had.

Within 6 weeks of finally shaking the twat off, I had met a kind gentle man who i married two years later.

Hissy Sat 05-Apr-14 19:45:16

Good god no, no regrets ever.

I'd not regret leaving my abusive ex of 10 yrs.

I've worked with DV charities, i've attended groups, given speeches, attended conferences. I've met hundreds of former victims.

Not one of them ever regretted leaving.

Regretted having to leave perhaps, but never ever regretting choosing freedom and happiness over an abusive arse, a weak and pathetic excuse for a man.

If I live alone for the rest of my life it'll be better than the bad years with him.

<high fives NettleTea, just cos...>

Handywoman Sat 05-Apr-14 20:43:47

Never had a moment of regret. Even in the hardest moments. There have been plenty of those. My h of 14 yrs sucked the life out of everything (except in public, where he was cheerful and attentive). When it ended the anger in me just flooded out, my emotions took over: and once he was out of the door my world flooded with light. My life is much more fulfilled now, and I can be the can-do parent I always wanted to be without him putting a dampener on everything.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 05-Apr-14 20:59:32

No regrets here. Two years later after 13 years of marriage and three DCs I'd had enough. Low level EA, nothing really harsh, just a controlling, 'superior' attitude and basic incompatibility.

I was happier on my own and happier still with new DP of 18 months. I get time on my own when the DCs are with XH, time with DP and all the DCs together, time with my friends when DP has his kids. It's a great balance and i get to make my own decisions, take responsibility for myself and my DCs, earn my own money, spend it as I choose etc.

I have come to realise that a lot of the things that peed me off about XH are things I now do (as the one paying the bills I'm more aware of waste!) so I do have a bit more empathy with him now, but we were never right for each other, whereas DP is <<whisper it>> my soulmate.

LyndaCartersBigPants Sat 05-Apr-14 21:03:45

Btw, I tried staying for the children, I would have left much sooner if I weren't worried about the impact on the DCs and in fact we had decided to spilt a year before but a tearful plea from ds1 kept us struggling on for an extra year.

They have all adjusted really well. Obviously they have their moments when they wish it was 'normal' and they didn't have to pack a bag to visit their dad, but mostly they are happy that we're both happy.

lemonstartree Sat 05-Apr-14 21:05:28

hell no. Only regret is how long I stayed ...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now