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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I often feel like an inconvenience to my DH... :(

20 replies

mameulah · 04/04/2014 22:46

For the last five years my DH has worked day and night, seven days a week starting and running his own business. His hard work is finally starting to pay off and I am very grateful for what he is doing for our family. We now have a pfb toddler and another one on the way. I know I am really lucky.

However...

We are both constantly tired. I have gone from being a professional woman to a full time SAHM. I love being a SAHM but so desperately miss my DH spending time with us at the weekends etc. He is constantly tired and grumpy but he needs to work because of the business etc. Because I no longer have my professional life I have too much time on my hands. Don't get me wrong our pfb toddler keeps me very busy but it isn't exactly mentally taxing.

Anyone any experience of this? Any advice?

OP posts:

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Guiltypleasures001 · 04/04/2014 22:55

Hi op

Is there anything you can do to lesson the pressure on him? Us has paperwork or invoicing etc?

wheresthelight · 04/04/2014 23:03

My situation is slightly different in so much as dp works a mental shift pattern but I do find that I miss the mental stimulation of work and adults. Mum talk is very dull sometimes! sometimes a conversation about something other than dirty nappies and feeding routines would be very nice

Cabrinha · 04/04/2014 23:09

I would suggest that you get a job, but as you're pregnant that's not an immediate solution.
Can you work in the business?
Can he employ someone? If business is doing well, better to pay out and have less money in your own pocket but more time, if you're sacrificing family life and marriage.

mameulah · 04/04/2014 23:10

My skills are totally not suitable for his work. I do occasional menial stuff but really it is not a place for me. Frustrating though because if I did have an 'admin' head I know I would be helpful. I am very good at being efficient.

I guess I just feel lonely. He is permanently tired, so am I. He has spent the whole day solving problems and I want to chatter about stuff. After a blow out a couple of weeks ago he is much better at being kind and interested but I am so worried we are losing our friendship. I can't see where or when we are ever going to have time to get it back again.

OP posts:

mameulah · 04/04/2014 23:11

He has employed a couple of people. He knows he needs more though.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 04/04/2014 23:12

Just re-read your title, which is a bit different to the detail of your OP.
Feeling like an inconvenience is rubbish. Getting a job with fault company wouldn't stop that, but just distract you from it whilst the damage continues.
What do mean, by inconvenience?

Cabrinha · 04/04/2014 23:14

Why don't you have an "admin" head, if you are efficient? Can you learn? I'd understand if you said "I can't do admin, I'm awful with detail and totally unreliable" - but not if you're efficient. Are you just lacking confidence as you've been not working for a few years?

Cabrinha · 04/04/2014 23:17

Why are you tired? Can you address that? You say you have lots of time on your hands - can you do the obvious and sleep during it? It's not going to fix everything, but one tired person is better than two, and you may be able to see more clearly other solutions. Or have the energy to sit him down and tell him that his hours / tiredness are having such a big negative impact.
FWIW I think you do need to suck up some of the hours stuff when as a family you have your own business. It's a balance though!

mameulah · 04/04/2014 23:20

Okay, more that I would annoy the tits off my dh if I worked for him. I absolutely don't want our children to be in childcare so am very happy to be a SAHM. But the long days on our own, whilst DH works, seven days a week are tough. I am not complaining at all about looking after our pfb, I couldn't love him more. I just find it frustrating not being able to have DH with us. His mind is full to busting with work stresses. And I am at home dreaming up things that I would like for us to do together as a family. He is not in the frame of mind to find it relevant and I am upset because for me it is important. I guess I feel lonely.

OP posts:

mameulah · 04/04/2014 23:21

I have sucked up the long hours for FIVE YEARS. Am sick of it.

I am tired because we have a pfb toddler and I am pregnant.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 04/04/2014 23:34

Yep, can relate to this.

My DH said he does everything for us, bullshit!

I told him that he invests in his career because it makes him happy and the payoffs are only a byproduct of that. He denied it. So I said, could he honestly tell me that if me and DD weren't in the picture, would he work less? That made him think! He realises that he has used the 'do it all for you' justification as his way of being able to invest in his career without feeling like he's compromising on time we'd rather have with him.

Since then I've made changes and am studying full time and easing the family to pick up what I used to do as a SAHM. It's made home realise just how much his home/work balance has been screwed for the past 13 years. I'm now doing longer days than him and because I'm not in the role of ensuring his non work time is purely leisure, he's realising that his previous commitment to work is not sustainable and needs to invest more time at home.

WhatsTheWordHummingbird · 04/04/2014 23:38

Could you ask him what the future is for his business? Does he realistically see a time when he is able to start taking days off?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 05/04/2014 00:01

Fwiw, my ex and I got on really well when we worked together, we both had a common goal, all the hard work was to benefit our family and we both had very different roles, so there was no treading on each other's toes or thinking that I could do it better myself etc.

I'm sure wherever your skills lie you could find a way to support the family business. It is also a tax efficient way to bring income into your family if you are both working for the company.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 05/04/2014 00:08

Hi op - not seeing dp would upset me too. Let's look for a solution though.

What is your skill set? Could you do some admin etc on an agreed day so that he can see dc?

Could you take on recruiting a new member of staff??

tallwivglasses · 05/04/2014 00:13

I get the feeling this is more like Joysmum's situation. Your DH is choosing to opt out of family life. I'm sorry. Quality time with you and the DC appears to be low on his list of priorities.

liveinbubble · 05/04/2014 10:32

Just a suggestion.
Fast forward 5/10 years.

He only "did it for the family".
That was the mantra my bil repeated to my dear sister over and over.
Cynically speaking and with the glorious hindsight, he was only doing it for his ego.

Yes, his ego!

He totally neglected ds and dc's, the business always came first, second and last.

He acted as though his family were beneath him, as they didn't have a career/business etc.

My DS had become the sole carer for the dc's as the father had "opted out "of family life.
(Which he couldn't have done if DS hadn't kept the home fires burning"

He was the "big shot"
Once his business became "successful", he behaved like the king of fucking England.
So, he needs to be reined in, RIGHT NOW.

Tell him you will pull the plug on the marriage if he doesn't abandon his ego, or you will abandon him.
We all-most- of us work to support our family, but to support and imaginary EGO, I don't think so.

Twinklestein · 05/04/2014 12:29

This is what running your own business is like until you've got it to a point that you can employ people to run it for you.

If you need more adult conversation then I would make time to see friends.

Twinklestein · 05/04/2014 12:32

Liveinabubble

A man with a big ego who ho thinks his family is beneath him is a different kind of problem, the OP has not said anything along those lines.

FastLoris · 05/04/2014 12:39

What's "pfb"?

Joysmum · 05/04/2014 21:41

Precious first born

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