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Hoarding, wedding postponed(10 Posts)
But Hope there is hoarding and then there is hoarding.
My idea of hoarding is keeping anything that you dont need or use. Ex's idea of hoarding is keeping everything you have ever owned ever. So clearly I thought he was hoarding and he didnt!
My mother says I have too much stuff in the house but she forgets that there are 7 of us living here and that means 7 peoples worth of stuff, it takes up space. She has her and my dad in a bigger house and they have far more stuff than we do put together! She has 5 double wardrobes full of clothes plus she stores seasonal clothes in the loft and changes them over twice a year. They have 2 shed and a garage, full of stuff, but because they have plenty of space she doesnt see it as hoarding because it is all tidy and put away, when to my mind it clearly is!
If the OP is a minimalist as I am then her idea of hoarding may be vastly different to someone who likes knick knacks and ornaments and bits and bobs around the place. Also, if he is a collector (as my H is) then she could count that in the "hoarding" list where as to him it is in the "hobby" list. If I was given carte blanche to clear out this house I could clear the equivalent of a whole room with what I deem "junk", but that would be stuff that my husband and children treasure!
And OP what do you mean when he says he got into a 'bad mental space'? How did he behave?
Get rid. He will never change. His shite will be more important than you.
Not sure why you should compromise on a major illness of denial. I speak as the child of someone whose hoarding was restricted in the way that BarbarianMum describes above. The stuff stayed in the allotted rooms, but went up to the ceiling and became dangerous (not to mention the inherently dangerous items which were also hoarded). Do you really want your marital home to end up half full of useless shit? Hoarders never get better while they are in denial and believe it's a storage problem, not abnormal behaviour.
Does he own his house? Is renting together for 6 months an option?
I ask because when ex and I got together it was a nightmare. He had a large 2 bed house and it was FULL. Shelves everywhere, stuff everywhere it was awful. There was no room for my stuff at all and he got very stroppy when I tried to deal with it. I did it nicely with talking I didnt just demand!
Then we moved into "our" first place together and he was fine, we split the space amicably and made the necessary compromises. I think he had felt that I was invading his cave and he didnt like it. He had been there 8 years and me changing things unsettled him. It was never an issue after that, although again he did get a bit stroppy when DC meant that we had to both clear out stuff to make room, I think that too was because it disturbed his cave.
I dont think I would like it if someone moved into my house and wanted to shift my stuff to put theirs in, totally U I know, but I still dont think I would like it.
Perhaps getting a place that is new to you both would work through it?
You both need to be willing to compromise and work this out before committing to marriage or buying a house together. I understand your feelings that this has tainted the engagement but really this kind of thing could cause so many problems in the future if it isn't ironed out.
Was the threat of postponing the wedding to shut you up so you don't argue with him or was it genuine in that he really wants to make sure you are both happy before committing? If he is genuine then you both need to sit down and work out a compromise and then live with it for an agreed timescale.
Is he willing to compromise? Are you?
Because there is a compromise to be had b/w hoarding/non hoarding (depending on the scale of the issue). My dh has the attic, the garage, the shed and the cupboards in the spare bedroom to hoard into. He can keep what he wants as long as it all fits into these spaces and doesn't overflow. When it starts to, I gather up the offending items (usually papers) and he has to sort. We niggle bout it occasionally, but mostly it works.
I think your dh is wise to want to sort this out pre-wedding. It's as much about your willingness to work together to solve problems as the problem itself.
You are right- listen- he IS telling you that this is how it is, he isn't going to change and yes you will continue to argue over this. It will destroy yr relationship
At least he is telling you this and throwing you a line to get out
As horrendous as it is now, it's far far better than a divorce. Truly
Im so worried reading the hoarding thread. My DP is the same though since I've moved in, in January, he has had a good clear out, but not without pain and arguments.
Last night I asked that he doesn't keep moving stuff into spaces I create. He got into a bad mental space in response to my request because it's the argument we always come back to, he wanted to be left alone to process his feelings but I was impatient and wanted to hammer it out.
When we had both calmed down after a huge shouty angry argument we sat up late talking.
He said that he worries about us getting our own house together because we might continue to fight over these issues. (this worries e because I hear that as him not willing to compromise).
He suggested us postponing our wedding until we can be sure that we will be happy living together. In some ways I think this is a sensible suggestion which will protect us both in the long run but obviously it has hurt me and tainted our engagement (we're due to be married in August).
I don't know what to do from here.
Any advice gratefully received, thank you.
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