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It is over. Does it get better.

(9 Posts)
YellowSunday Fri 04-Apr-14 10:41:58

So my marriage is over.

I couldn't get over his affair in the end, I tried and tried after he ended it. He did all the 'right' stuff, he was remorseful, we both wanted to work things out we did Relate. I went to counselling.

Things have been bad, we drifted further apart and I felt I couldn't go on so we agreed to part (really at my instigation) but not divorce, just live apart and give each other space and co parent as best we could. He moved out after Christmas, now he's met someone else (not the OW from affair, that ended 18 months ago - I thought I was past it but it's been feeling as raw as the day I found out all over again). I knew deep down that the chance of getting back together was tiny but it was there. Now it is gone, totally.

The DC's seem to have adjusted fine and we have managed amicable co parenting so far. The reality that this is it has just hit me. I am terrified that I will never meet anyone else, that I have made a mistake in not working harder on the marriage.

I don't feel ready to get out there and socialise or date - I just want to hide away and cry for what it could and should have been. My friends have told me it is for the best and that I was brave to call it quits but I don't feel any of those things now. I feel guilty for not trying harder.

Please can someone reassure me that it will get better and there is life after divorce and any tips on how to get through it.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 04-Apr-14 11:44:03

Your guilt is understandable but completely misplaced.
This is not your guilt. It is his guilt.
He cheated. He chose to trounce all over your marriage and marriage vows.
HE did this.
You tried. I know exactly how that feels. I couldn't get over it either although I thought I could.
The deceit is too much.
Some people can and some people can't.

Of course there is life after divorce.
Thousands and thousands of people move on. Find a new life.
You will too when the time is right.

You aren't ready to get out there yet. That is fine. You were still partly invested in your DH.
Right now you just need to concentrate and you and your DC.

You are allowed to hide away.
You are allowed to cry and cry and cry. And you will.

Things will seem hopeless and horrible.
But each day that passes will start to get a bit better.
The crying will become less and less.
You will start to find yourself again.

Believe us all when we say, it does get better.
You will get over it.
But it does take time.
Look after yourself.
Get a lot of real life support and start the healing process.

Once again - it is NOT your guilt!!!
It is all HIS.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 04-Apr-14 12:00:29

I was going to comment too but can't top or add to hellsbells post

I'm sorry you're going through this sadthanks

Finola1step Fri 04-Apr-14 12:10:17

Yes HellsBells has it spot on.

YellowSunday Fri 04-Apr-14 14:45:44

Thank you for your replies.
I know he had the affair but there was so much in our marriage that I could and should have worked on before then, I let things drift and pushed him out of my life a bit (I know the affair was not my fault).

I feel so stupid as although I don't want to be with him anymore but I don't want the DC's to miss out on all the good bits that we did used to do together and don't want to be alone. I'm scared and sad.

Onewomanarmy Fri 04-Apr-14 14:50:35

Hello op I'll join you for a bit of handholding - if you hold mine to.

My dp has just walked out on me and dd. I'm at a loss, things were a bit 'rocky' but not to the point one of us had to go.

I keep going through the whole spectrum of emotions practically every five mins.

I understand about your dc as I feel like that too about dd.

It's all just so fuckng terribly sad sad


Hup Fri 04-Apr-14 14:56:16

Four weeks since Dzh left. As with one things had not been good for a little while! but first rocky patch in 16 years. No one else involved here but I just can't seem to face the world.

Any tips I would appreciate too!

Onewomanarmy Fri 04-Apr-14 15:09:52

Hi hupHow long can we stay hidden away sad I've been out today and treated me an dd for a meal! most if dd (10m) ended up on floor.

Dp text while I was on bus back , being so fucking reasonable and I started crying on the bus!

The one tip I'm going with at the moment is no alcohol !


skyeskyeskye Fri 04-Apr-14 20:19:21

When XH suddenly walked out on me at Easter 2 years ago, I thought that it was the end of my life. I felt like everything was gone, all the family holidays, days out, trips away, family time together... and I did go to hell and back because of the shock and pain and grief of it all. There was OW, a sudden infatuation that he denied, and two years on he is now living with her after she left his best mate.... But...

two years on, I am happy, I have been seeing someone for almost three months now. I have days out with DD, now 6yo, and we go on holiday on our own or with my mum. I have trips away with friends, still go to shows and concerts with friends. We spend time with my bloke, walking his dogs, doing the garden, all sorts of "family" things, that I thought were gone.

It does get better, it will get better. It is hard to start with, but once you get used to being on your own, things start to turn around.

I honestly never thought that I would be in the happier place that I am in now, but I am and I am grateful to all the people who told me that it would get better, because it really does.

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