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Heartbreak - Does it get better?

(7 Posts)
Priceliss Fri 04-Apr-14 10:14:30

Firstly I wanted to say thanks for looking at this thread.

I really am just looking for advice from worldly and experienced people that seem to be on this board.

I broke up with my ex fiance 10 months ago. We had a horrific break up where she asked for my engagement ring back the next day to sell and she was in another relationship within 4-6 weeks with someone who I actually introduced her to and trusted was a friend. Who she then took on the 5* 2k holiday to Mexico I brought us by lying that she would try and sell it me to get my money back but instead took this new girlfriend.

Since our break up the first 6 months I went through awful depression. I didn't want to wake up every morning, I lost my love for life and my self confidence. I've managed to pull through that stage to the other side where I am just kind of getting used to the silence and loneliness of not having her in my life. I'm lucky I have a lot of friends, I go gym, I see a therapist, I go out and about, I have a good job, great flatmate but I just can't seem to get over her. Even though she hurt me more than words can describe I just cannot explain the love I have for her it's like a torch I carry with me everywhere I go branded into me. I've tried dating other people but I compare them to her which I recognize isn't right.

It probably doesn't help that every 5ish months she tries to message me saying how she misses our "friendship" and "cares for me" and how she's found her "true soul mate" which in returns leads to me be extremely angry and replying basically how do you care about me and how are you a real friend considering what you did to me and since then have made futile attempts to try and make it back to me by earning a friendship with me. Which then leads her to blocking me and saying we can't be friends right now for this to repeat 4-5 months later.

They say your first love is the hardest to get over but does it get any better? Textbook wise I've done everything I should to get over her. I try focus on the breakup and the betrayal and pain but it doesn't actually help it just makes me feel worst about myself. Do I just resign myself to the fact that I will always love her and will feel like this for a long time or potentially forever. Is there anything else I can do because I feel like yearly a year later shouldn't this be finished?

Thanks for your advice once again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Apr-14 10:38:55

I'm sorry you're experiencing this but, if it's any reassurance, yes it does get better. What will help you considerably is if you can cut all contact with her. By talking about friendship and caring etc she is being very, very cruel to you and you should reject it utterly rather than thinking you can ever be friends with someone who has let you down so badly. So block again, but this time make it permanent.

When you're talking about an intense relationship with someone you were intending to marry 10 months is not that much time, so go easy on yourself rather than thinking there's something wrong with you. I Be with friends, go to the gym & do things that make you happy. Fill your time constructively so that you have less opportunity to wallow in the past.

And, on that note, I'd suggest you consider dropping therapy. I don't know what form it takes and it can be a useful outlet for emotion, but there does come a point where it's healthier to leave the past where it is rather than keeping on examining it and picking off old scabs.

Good luck

Priceliss Fri 04-Apr-14 11:44:01

Hi Cogito,

Thanks for your reply your advice is appreciated.

I go to therapy for other reasons but mainly but break up because I got so ill from it and so depressed. I'm much better from that though. And yes I don't contact her at all it is her who contacts me every 5ish months via messenger saying this stuff and then I say to her but you are not my friend you haven't treated me as one or tried to earn my friendship and then she blocks me and 5 months later I hear from her.

God only knows but thanks 10 months seems like forever but now you've put it like that I don't feel so rotten so thank you smile

oldgrandmama Fri 04-Apr-14 12:10:56

She sounds horrible. Why don't you block her from your phone, messenger (sorry, don't know how that works), and all other stuff she uses to torment you ... because that's what she's doing, tormenting you. You deserve a LOT better. And things WILL get better, but not if she's still able to scratch away at your 'raw' places with her messages.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Apr-14 12:59:46

Glad you're not feeling quite so rotten. There's a country and western song entitled 'How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away'... and you're experiencing a version of that. Agree with the PP that, if you can block the messenger, change ID or whatever it takes, that's going to spare you that particular indignity. Whatever you do, don't respond. Sporadic 'let's be friends' stuff can be an attempt at conscience-salving but more likely to be ego-stroking and attention-seeking. Bad form on a lot of levels.

FWIW 2 years is a pretty common recovery period from a really serious break-up.

OneMoreChap Fri 04-Apr-14 13:04:49

Yep block her.
End of.

Springheeled Fri 04-Apr-14 19:04:59

Really feel for you. I agree with cutting the therapy out after a while, I found I was just keeping it all alive- I'm yet to give up hanging about on the relationships board though!
There'll be another. Enjoy you for a while.

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