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I'm so lonely, I have no one

(13 Posts)
Sosolonely Fri 04-Apr-14 00:24:36

A long story, but I'll try to keep it short x

Grew up in happy family but always felt like I wasn't good enough, had friends at school/ college.

Was in an abusive relationship from 17-20, I loved him deeply but he had serious family problems which caused anger issues.

Met ex at 21 my mother died shortly after, I took coke to cope, affected me deeply, felt like I had let her down etc. My father who I adored died a year later so I had lost both my parents by 23.

Around the time I met my ex a lot of friends went off to uni etc while I stayed in London, I spent all my time with my ex and never really grew out of that. I adored him and we created a bubble where we only needed each other, he wasn't controlling it's just the way he and I were.

Over the last ten years I've gained weight probably about four/five stone , if I'm honest I use food to medicate, I don't binge, but eating soothes me if I am stressed I eat.

Professionally I've done well but my job is demanding I travel a lot and tend to move organisation quite frequently so I don't build those long term work friendships that most people have. At work I'm confident bubbly funny and people assume that I've got lots of friends, but the truth is I don't, I don't have one true friend.

Ex left me for ow two years ago, ( together nearly 17 years) treated me badly, I was devastated ended up on ads, over the last year he has tried to become friends although now he is saying he wants to come home, although I don't think I could ever trust him again. And I'm not sure whether he wants to come back for the right reasons.

The problem I have is that I am so lonely, really really lonely, I have no friends except my ex, and one ex colleague who lives in Birmingham so really we just talk on the phone now and again. It's been two years.

I've recently finished a project and I've been at home for the last month ( not unusual between jobs) and I literally have not socially seen one person except my ex for a couple of hours and my ex colleague I met up with today in London.

I walked in the house this evening and I just felt so lonely I am so tired of doing everything on my own being in my own all the time. Or just having superficial conversations. Even meeting with my ex colleague today all she talked about was herself she hardly asked how I was, I miss that person who cares about me, I just feel so alone in the world so sad and so lonely.

I haven't started dating etc because I don't think anyone would ever fancy me and I haven't got the engery or strength to be rejected and dumped again, I honestly don't feel love is for me now, I'm 38 and all I can see my my life alone.

I just feel like my life is over, I don't want to be alone like this, I long for human contact ( the only thing I've had is a couple of hugs from my ex in the last two years) I just want someone to hold my hand, someone who cares how's I'm feeling.

I just feel so fucking lonely, tonight I just think what's the point. Why am I working hard when I have no one to share things with, no one to laugh with, no one to talk to who actually cares about me? I don't want a shag I want love :-(

LineRunner Fri 04-Apr-14 00:38:10

Hi. Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit crap.

I wonder how you feel about the idea that your contact with your Ex is holding you back from moving on?

Scarletohello Fri 04-Apr-14 00:45:09

Oh sweetie I really feel for you, you've had it rough. It sounds like you are feeling very low at the moment, have lost confidence in yourself and can't see anything positive in the future. Things can get better but you have to put yourself out there.

Firstly I would suggest going to your gp as you do sound depressed and asking for anti depressants and counselling. CBT might be quite useful for you.

Secondly you need to stop isolating yourself and push yourself to meet people. If you are in London, check out the meet ups website. There's so many groups you could get involved in and plenty of single people like yourself.

Just so you know you're not alone, I've list my parents too. My mum died a month ago after having been in a nursing home following a stroke and my dad has recently gone into a home as he has dementia. I was his carer for the last year and moved out of London back to the small town where I grew up. I know 2 people here and frequently spend days on my own. It's hard but I've always pushed myself to meet people and made great friends along the way. It's not all about having a partner.

One place I often go to ( for hugs and fun ) is a personal development centre down in Dorset. Lots of interesting single people go there and I'm sure you would come away with a smile on your face! Check out the link and remember to be kind to yourself, you are a loveable and worthwhile person and things will get better.

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 04-Apr-14 07:05:05

Before you even think about looking for love with a new partner you need to:

Start loving yourself
Make some friends

There are some meet ups in London (or wherever you live)-Spice is one -google them. They go out, meet up, eat out, go to places.

If you fancy the idea of walks join a walking group. Not only will you soon get chatting with new people, exercise is good for body and soul. I always feel better after a walk. You might make good friends, or you might just get to see the same faces and just do a catch up, eithr way is good. They normally stop off somewhere for a drink later.

You could try your local voluntary centre - you would be helping people and feel good for doing so.

You could also try evening classes or exercise classes as a way to meet people. Once yu have built up some friends (and worked on yourself), you should feel more confident to look for Mr Right or Mr 'He will do'. But don't even attempt to meet a new guy when you are at your lowest as you are now. The only ones sniffing around will be the controllers and abusers.

Look for things going on in your area for singles etc/making new friends.

Good luck!!

springydaffs Fri 04-Apr-14 10:00:26

Do some voluntary work in your time off - it is a way to meet people and it's a win/win. You have to get yourself out there, 'fishing' for connections - not obviously 'fishing' of course but encouraging interactions with other people, which may lead to something deeper.

the thing about loneliness is that we tend to assume there's something wrong with us but we live in a very isolated age: if you don't have the prerequisite partner/family etc it is very easy to drop off the grid. So don't take it personally, get back on the grid. You have to do some work ie put yourself in a position to make connections, because they won't just come to you iyswim.

re overeating - do try OA . You're not the only one by a long chalk!

Good luck sweetie xxx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 04-Apr-14 11:47:01

Start by making an appointment for a chat with your GP you sound overwhelmed and dispirited.

You are successful at work and presumably have no trouble interacting with a variety of people. I know that there are boundaries but maybe opening up to a colleague or two just to let it be known you are open to social opportunities might see some invitations?

You really don't want to get back with ex. Seeing him is just going to be like picking a scab.

A friend of mine had a fabulous time signing up with Spice (I am not touting for business) events and holidays and friends of both sexes.

Someone else offered some of her free time to a dog charity as a walker, she was not allowed a dog in her building but enjoyed the contact and fresh air.

As suggested some sort of voluntary work would get you out of the house.

Are you fit, would you consider a cycling group?

Theatre groups often need backstage help as well as performers. And following the Gareth Malone effect choirs are on the up.

NorwegianBirdhouse Fri 04-Apr-14 18:11:35

OP, I am so sorry you feel this way. You have found yourself in a very despairing place and you must feel like you cannot believe how your life has come to this in a civil society; i.e. why is it so lonely? Why do people not need or want to make friends. Well firstly please believe that you are not alone in thinking that. From these threads alone you can see so many lonely people who are incredibly frustrated at trying to make contact with people with no results. SAHMs like me are just one example. You meet people, try to establish a raport/ friendship, but no one has the time or interest outside of toddler groups.

There is some brilliant advice on here from other posters that I could not top but I want you to know I am thinking of you and there is lots you can do to turn things around. I would suggest taking some anti depressants to give yourself a break and some breathing space. CBT could be great for you because if nothing else, it will be some one to one attention that will feel great and help you see if your thought processes or behaviour are working against you, and it will address your very low self esteem that you have had all your life by the sound of it.

You are so young. You are not even 40. You sound like you have a good income but that you are unhappy with the extra weight you have. Would it help to pamper yourself and go to a ladies gym or exercise classes which in themselves with put you among other women having a laugh and releasing endorphines?

Please do some of the things suggested by the kind posters here. You are, I am sure, a lovely person with lots to give and you must not let yourself be sucked into this black hole any further. It is a damn shame the state of this society that so so may individuals suffer from loneliness but there is lots you can do. Please let us know how you get on.

MexicanSpringtime Fri 04-Apr-14 18:57:42

So sorry to hear this OP, but I would say I was more or less in the same position at your age, I mean feeling friendless. But life takes some wonderful turns and it is just a question of meeting the right people.
Things like evening classes, volunteering or taking up a hobby are ways that will open up your social sphere, but don't dispair, this is just the lowest point, the only way is up.
I must say I vote for the walking idea, but maybe that is because I love walking.

paxtecum Fri 04-Apr-14 19:41:26

Find a Holistic Hypnotherapist. He or she will show you ways of disconnecting from your ex.
Releasing past hurts.
Building confidence and loving yourself.

It's not a quick fix and you do have to be prepared to put in the time to do the meditations yourself in your own time.
It can have wonderful results.

Do some volunteering work and exercise.
This is a lovely time of year to get outside and breathe in fresh air.

Hope you feel better soon.

WonOrWon Fri 04-Apr-14 19:45:30

Its difficult when the people who used to care about us and love us and hug us and notice we exist are no longer around. I found that after my parents both died and then very soon afterwards my long term relationship ended. I realised that no one knew what I was doing, or cared. It was just me on my own.

I tried OD but the men I met were dull and I couldn't see they'd enhance my life at all, so I decided not to continue with it. Instead I chose to start being happy with myself and not be reliant on others to bring me contentment. Its been a challenge, and sometimes when I've got important things going on like the first day in a new job, it would be nice if I knew someone was thinking about me. But for now there's no one and its becoming less and less of an issue as the months go by.

This is what's helped me:
Reading self help books from the library.
Getting into team sport again - friendly faces, banter and good exercise.
Joining things - evening classes, gym, walking group - some have been more successful than others.
Adopting a rescue cat - a friendly face to come home to and a source of mutual love and affection.
Reinventing myself a little - new hair style, change in clothes, bought some new make up etc.

A year ago I too felt the horrible feelings of loneliness and 'what's the point?', but now things are better - not perfect, but so much better. I have no idea how my life is going to pan out, but I now know that I'm not reliant on a man for my happiness.

Your ex sounds like a tosser unworthy of you. I'm not seeing any long term happiness for you if you go down that route.

Nannyme1 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:30:06

I don't share your life experiences, but when I was reading how you feel it was like reading my mind.
I to feel so desperately lonely and unlovable and just don't know how to meet new people. I work such long hours and my work is not the best for meeting lots of new friends. I've never found going to the gym a meeting place and am at a complete loss of how to meet people.

I think you should hold onto the hope that you are going to get through it. You said you were on AD are you still? Cause I think it may be worth going to the GP and discussing a change if you are still on them or going back on them if you are off them.

hang in there.

for so many people in London it can be such a lonely place.

HogiBear27 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:45:34

I was in a similar position not too long ago, though I wouldn't claim that it was as bad.

Hugs to you!

First off, I would suggest getting active. It may take some time to find the right class/activity but try getting active as it really does make you feel better afterwards. You may make friends as well.

As others have suggested, speak to you GP and see if you can get a referral for CBT or something similar. Sorry to sound like I'm preaching but changing your mindset really worked for me. I didn't realize how much thought processes impacted on my actions/ the image I gave out to the world.

You are in London I see. Lots to see/get involved in (more so than someone rural) so find something, take a deep breath and go! You might not like the first thing but you are bound to find something!

1) I find ait takes a while to make a friend, so don't expect it to be an instant thing.
2) You have to put yourself out there to get something back
3) It may take a few attempts at things but DON'T GIVE UP if you don't like the first thing!
4) A year from now, you wish you will have begun today (or be grateful that you did)

Good Luck x

SpringyReframed Fri 04-Apr-14 21:29:45

What I would suggest OP (and I do come from a position having no partner) is to join some kind of yoga/meditation group and then try a retreat along those lines. I've been on one recently and whilst I didnt know anyone other than to nod to and pass the time of day, the support,companionship and general kindness/thoughtfulness over the weekend was tremendous. I felt totally refreshed afterwards and the feeling lasted for several days. It was a feeling of belonging which we singles often miss.

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