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I have nothing left but I'm scared to leave. Help me.

(7 Posts)
diamondsandpeals Thu 03-Apr-14 23:30:46

I have posted before different name, DH has no interest in sex or intimacy ( once or twice a year for the past 11 years) he says he loves me but showing any emotion or intimacy is just beyond him.

I feel that I have become an emotional void and hate me life with him, I hate that I have a happy mask that everyone sees as me but it is so far from what I am inside. I hate that I have to beg for affection. I hate that he is happy with his life.

I don't know why I stay.

I'm scared of been lonely, I'm scared of not coping financially. I hate this secret.

bragmatic Fri 04-Apr-14 01:05:41

What is your financial situation? Do you work? Rent?

11 years with no affection is just.....god. Too long, love. You deserve to be loved properly.

BillyBanter Fri 04-Apr-14 01:28:12

you sound quite lonely as it is. If you stay you will always be lonely. If you leave you will probably be lonely at first but you will have the opportunity to build a life where you are not lonely.

Is it better to leave an 11 year unhappy relationship or is it better to leave a 20 year unhappy relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Apr-14 07:38:54

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Surely you did not envisage this for yourself.

"I'm scared of been lonely, I'm scared of not coping financially".

That's probably why you have stayed amongst other reasons but neither are good enough reasons to stay. You are lonely now within this shell of a marriage. Feel the fear and leave him anyway.

(If you do have children do you really want to show them this model of a relationship?. Would you want this to be your children's normal as well?).

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Apr-14 09:41:55

You may not be alone but you are already worse than lonely. You are repeatedly rejected and having to beg for affection. Few things in life are as demeaning as begging. Does 'scared of not coping financially' mean that you are putting up with that kind of treatment for the sake of a few £££?

One thing I discovered about coping financially post split is that independence can be a great motivator. When you are solely responsible for financing your lifestyle, it's an incentive.

And a word on secrets. The only person you are protecting is him. 'Tell the truth and shame the devil'.... take someone into your confidence and don't be surprised if you get a different response to the one you are expecting. Not everyone will be fooled by your mask, or his.

save4it Fri 04-Apr-14 15:02:59

Hi op I don't think your situation is uncommon. I am in a very similar position. I ve been a sahm with two kids for eight years now not by choice but I lost my job while I was pregnant with 2nd child. With expensive childcare and no friends and family help and dh never much involved with childcare and house work so I was very tied up. I hate being called housewife as much as I hate housework. I do have some saving to fall back on if necessary.
So for me I stay in the marriage (without relationship) for my children's financial and housing reasons. For the last 7 years I build my life around my children and outside our marriage. I now have a couple of very good friends. I am not saying it is the way forward for you. However I feel a lot less lonely since I've accepted to give up hope on him. The true is we need each other for the children and nothing else. It is very sad! I know.
I had to decide to stay or leave and either way I had to accept that my dh is unlikely to ever change so I stopped investing anymore my time and emotion into the marriage. I think my dh is doing the same too. I don't what's best!

You have make plan your happiness whether to stay or go.

Best of luck.

Blushingm Fri 04-Apr-14 18:41:16

You could be me - but I'm at 16 years sad

I've no advice but you're not alone in feeling how you do

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