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getting pregnant on the quiet

(71 Posts)
clockisticking Thu 03-Apr-14 22:22:50

I've been married for nearly 14 years and in total together for around 20. I was ready to start a family at 27, I was asked to wait until we had a bigger house/more money. Roll on 8 more years and finally it happens. Fantastic healthy boy who is now 3 and a half.

After he was born we had issues, well he did. Aggressive to me, and I put up with it for 2 years. So, during that time I didn't even think about having another. Things are now much better and I don't want my son to be an only child - both H and I are 1 of 3.

He says he doesn't want the hassel and that our son will have friends, so doesn't need a sibling. We don't have any support and haven't been out for 3 years. My view is that we rarely went out together anyway and that friends would come and go and that when we're gone he won't have anyone to talk to from the same back ground - plus I love being a mum and would love another child. H is good dad and spends time with D's.

Trouble is I've just turned 39 and am wondering where my time has gone and considering an option of having my coil removed and not telling him. This makes me feel sick as I'm not a dishonest person but I feel just as bad at the thought of not having another child.

H isn't currently work (out for 9 months). There are potential jobs out there, he doesn't have to work but is getting bored (has D's 2days and is overseeing home improvement). When he has asked what we'll do with my money when he goes back to work I've said we can use to continue with any child care, his response is that there would be no point in him going back if that's the case.

Has anyone out there got pregnant on purpose? Words of wisdom would be appreciated please.

FastLoris Mon 07-Apr-14 16:49:27

Good decision Clock. It would be a morally repugnant thing to do on every level. I'm amazed some people have even said maybe, tbh.

You're lucky to have a happy and healthy child. Enjoy

NewtRipley Mon 07-Apr-14 15:44:42

I agree with Cogito

It seems to me that having a baby would simply be a way of not addressing the real problem here - you relationship.The very fact that you would consider this is a sign that your relationship is not strong.

I'd be considering whether I wanted to stay in this marriage at all, or at the very least, seeking marriage counselling, not whether I'd introduce another child into it.

nkf Mon 07-Apr-14 15:35:17

Aggression around pregnancy sounds dreadful to me.

nkf Mon 07-Apr-14 15:34:57

I think if he left you, it might be a very good thing, but it's a bit high risk. I would rather have two children than one husband, but I appreciate that's not how everyone sees things.

mathanxiety Mon 07-Apr-14 15:31:21

I agree with BeCool.

Apatite1 Mon 07-Apr-14 15:18:10

I'm glad you've realised it's a bad idea! Having another baby affects him as well as you, so it would be horribly unfair of you to not respect his wishes.

BeCool Mon 07-Apr-14 15:03:00

Have the coil removed out but tell him.

Say you want another child, and if he doesn't that is his choice and you respect that. But you will no longer carry the burden of contraception for the both of you. It is his turn to deal with it.

If he really doesn't want another baby, he will have to actually act like a man who doesn't want another baby.

mathanxiety Mon 07-Apr-14 14:30:52

There is never a reason for aggression.

A marriage that hinges on not 'tipping a husband into aggression' is one nobody should stay in.

croquet Mon 07-Apr-14 14:12:52

Agree with the others who says heart says yes head says no.
Poor you - tough times.

Rebecca2014 Sun 06-Apr-14 11:57:49

If he became aggressive after the baby was born there is a reason for that! I bet if you pushed the issue and did become pregnant then he would be miserable again and could well turn aggressive, having another baby could end the marriage.

My husband adores our daughter but does not want another baby either, he has no patience and I did everything for our baby. I think having another would be the end for us too, some people just aren't cut out for parenthood.

Read your last post and see your come to terms with it. Just think that extra money you have can be used on holidays etc!

clockisticking Sun 06-Apr-14 07:52:34

Your comments have hit home - I don't have it in me to dupe him.

He has used excuses to avoid pregnancy, I just didn't recognise it at the time. I had to tell him I was coming off the pill and then when I discovered I was pregnant it took me a week to tell him. I was overjoyed but worried about telling him. He used to tell me that he 'wasn't ready for this'. So no, another baby together without him wanting it, wouldn't be fair on any of us.

differentnameforthis Sun 06-Apr-14 06:00:05

Don't assume that just because he's ended up a good dad to one child he will be a good dad to two children. Forcing him to have a second will be pushing him way out of his comfort zone (financially, emotionally etc) and that will lead to huge amounts of resentment.

Absolutely agree. I was my mothers 4th.

mathanxiety Sun 06-Apr-14 01:16:56

I agree with Alibaba there, but I still think you have to try to assess the impact on a baby.

You are not responsible for your husband's bad attitude towards any future baby and you were not responsible for his choice of behavior the last time, but it's not a promising situation to bring a baby into and since you know that you have a responsibility towards any possible baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 06-Apr-14 00:05:46

OP I really sympathise. He has cheated you out of the family you wanted by stalling and stalling, and then finally revealing himself as a wanker.

I cannot 100% say what I would do in your position. I know I would be toying with the idea as you are.

MatildaWhispers Sun 06-Apr-14 00:05:27

Don't assume that just because he's ended up a good dad to one child he will be a good dad to two children. Forcing him to have a second will be pushing him way out of his comfort zone (financially, emotionally etc) and that will lead to huge amounts of resentment. I was pressured into having my youngest and although I am doing ok now it has taken a lot of heartache and therapy. Please don't put yourself and a baby through that.

Fullyswindonian Sat 05-Apr-14 23:54:48

It isn't acceptable under any circumstances, but it still happens.

However, if your overriding biological desire is to have a child, your moral compass will be heavily offset by pesky temporary chemical imbalances, so I understand it's difficult.

It's too easy to get pregnant 'by accident', but I'm sure it would be almost impossible to live with yourself and your own conscience thereafter. You'll be guilty of deceit against your husband.

8isalotoflegsDavid Sat 05-Apr-14 06:00:39

I really sympathise, honestly I do, but I could never, ever condone tricking someone into a baby they expressly said they did not want.

It's just beyond wrong.

differentnameforthis Sat 05-Apr-14 03:12:59

My sister did it to her (at the time) bf. They are married now, 20yrs down the line, 2 more kids & miserable as sin.

Both have had affairs.

The only saving grace is that he still doesn't know.

justiceofthePeas Fri 04-Apr-14 19:10:10

Good point math

Another one saying no. Stop contraception if you want but tell him so he has a choice but from the sounds of it, I would leave anyway.

mathanxiety Fri 04-Apr-14 18:49:13

I think you owe it to any possible baby not to do it in this situation. Having a baby isn't about scratching an itch or providing a sibling for another existing child. The individual new baby has needs and a parent should see their role as providing for those needs. This can mean deciding not to have a baby in some situations.

AdoraBell Fri 04-Apr-14 18:45:10

It's very well for people to say go ahead but if you do DH's potential anger and resentment will come across as the child grows up.

You could end up still married but with a child who knows daddy never loved them, even if it isn't spoken. Or a single parent with an ex who is reluctant to play as full a part in his DC's lives as could.

I understand that you want another child but this really comes down to a potential child's welfare, including their emotional wellbeing.

Don't get pregnant with someone you know doesn't want a child.

aegeansky Fri 04-Apr-14 18:38:34

Bowlersarm...hmmm, interesting. Both the women I knew who did this are also highly intelligent and sorted. I can't imagine what it's like to be a woman, obviously, but from an evolutionary biological perspective, the behaviour (not telling) makes complete sense. If there is any doubt that you may not have another opportunity to pair-bond again, then it must be an overwhelming urge...

Bowlersarm Fri 04-Apr-14 18:33:03

It happened with my friend aegeansky. Exceptionally intelligent woman who took it into her one hands to have her coil removed without telling her husband. They are now divorced, although not necessarily because of the arrival of dd3.

aegeansky Fri 04-Apr-14 18:15:06

Hey, I'm a guy...and I know of two women who have conceived by removing their contraception without telling their partner, and calling it an accident.

I'm not saying commenting on whether it's right in this case, or fair, of that it wouldn't create problems, just surprised not to have heard women on this thread saying it happens?

DustBunnyFarmer Fri 04-Apr-14 17:51:20

Given that OP wants another baby, how about looking it from the other side. Imagine you'd agreed to try for a baby, then subsequently found out he'd had a vasectomy behind your back, against your wishes. How would you feel? Horribly betrayed is my guess. You may feel him vetoing baby #2 is all but the same, but actually you have a choice in this. The honorable thing would be to have the discussion and separate if he's still adamant. If you are worried about your age, donor sperm is an option. At this point you might wonder if it's fair to break up your family to pursue your ambition for baby #2. What you don't seem to realise is that separation may be a very real outcome of the stealth pregnancy route. It's not a choice which only affects you. I haven't ever been in your shoes, but there are a lot of people who would count their blessings to have even one healthy child. (In case it needs spelling out overtly, I am in the no camp.)

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