Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Embarrassing Dating.

(13 Posts)
Nannyme1 Thu 03-Apr-14 18:54:39

When do you share and when isn't it over sharing?
I'm very disgusting to say at the ripe old age of 27 I am still a virgin please don't laugh. Due to a lot of different things.. well not a lot but I had a very bad eating disorder when I was younger so when friends were starting to date and get into relationships I was in and out of hospital and I was just so obsessed with well really myself and my weight I never went out.
I'm in a job that isn't the best for meeting men so even when better (mostly) I've not really had the opportunity.
Do I just go with the flow and have it when it is leading that way (I'm so worried that if I do it this way they will think I'm rubbish in bed, cause lets face it I will be as I have no idea what I'm doing)
But then if I say that I am if things are eventually going that way I will be making a big deal out of things which I don't want to do.
gah why is life so complicated.

sorry I do realise how stupid all this sounds. But I would appreciate lots of different views on the matter.

mansize Thu 03-Apr-14 19:01:40

When you meet somebody you like and get to the stage where you're comfortable and thinking about sleeping with them, why not tell them you're a virgin, explain that you're nervous and see what their reaction is. If they are worth your time of day then they will be supportive and reassuring.

It's really is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

mansize Thu 03-Apr-14 19:02:54

Also, do you know if your hymen is broken? If not, it will be pretty obvious you haven't had sex before anyway.

ShinyTurd Thu 03-Apr-14 19:18:48

There are plenty of people in your position. My partner was a virgin when we met and he was 33. I also have a female friend who is 25 and a virgin. If you feel ready to date, perhaps try a club first where you can meet men with the same interests in a non threatening environment. When my DP told me he was a virgin, i wasn't bothered. Tbh, I had already guessed as we had known each other for nearly a year as mates. It certainly didn't put me off. If you meet the right person then it won't put them off either.

RedRoom Thu 03-Apr-14 19:27:39

Make it clear from the start that you will only sleep with someone you really care about and are committed to. That will weed out the ones who expect sex after a handful of dates. Then, when you have met one who is willing to wait and not put pressure on you, and you feel ready to do so, you could explain your past medical history. If he is still kind, patient and gentle after both of those things, you'll know instinctively when it's the right time to talk to him about your inexperience and worries. After all, why would you want to sleep with someone who would not be able to cope with your past?

Lovely men are out there and I've dated a few who would have been totally understanding of your situation. It is nothing to be ashamed of and something that the right man will be glad to put you at ease about. Just avoid the ones who talk about nothing but sex and find one with more to him.

JonSnowKnowsNothing Thu 03-Apr-14 20:02:42

Not embarrassing at all.
IMO a good indicator of whether someone's right to lose your V plates to is whether you could tell them about your virginity in complete certainty that they'd respect it.

Nannyme1 Thu 03-Apr-14 20:13:26

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I don't really see it as something to respect though, in me anyway as it isn't religious or something I believe in. Does that make sense?

That is the dream though to find someone that doesn't care. I don't know. It's hard.

jayho Thu 03-Apr-14 20:20:27

Sweetie, you date, you like each other, you kiss, it maybe does or doesnt lead further. It honestly isn't a big deal, stop overthinking. I think the people who should overthink are those who've have one or two shags and think they are experts! Most people at your age are relative novices. Most of us work it out with a person, not in our heads beforehand. Proper people don't expect a performance, just a reaction. good luck x

Nannyme1 Fri 04-Apr-14 20:22:02

thanks jayho

JonSnowKnowsNothing Fri 04-Apr-14 21:05:02

I didn't mean "respect" as in think "oh she's made a conscious decision to not have sex, I must respect that" but more "I'm about to have sex with a woman who's not done that before, therefore I need to make sure she's ok and enjoying things," etc.

NorwegianBirdhouse Fri 04-Apr-14 21:21:49

I'm glad you are mostly better OP. I think you should not have sex with someone just to do it. As said, you would be better getting to know someone as a person to the extent you like them and feel you can tell them about your eating disorder and how it affected you and lead onto how as a result you have avoided men largely. You have had a hard time and you need to be treated well by someone who wants to look after you.

And why would anyone laugh? Despite how people talk, I think there are many many virgins/celibates and non interested parties out there.

chrome100 Fri 04-Apr-14 21:41:53

I didn't lose my virginity until 25 because I had major hang ups about sex. I lied to a lot of my boyfriends up until then only for it to get to moment and I'd make some excuse. This would go on for a few months until they dumped me.

I finally decided to be honest with a guy from the outset and it was by far the best policy. He didn't freak out, helped me face my issues and I lost it with him about 8 months into the relationship.

It is embarrassing, yes - believe me, I've been there. BUt the right guy will stick around.

Latara Fri 04-Apr-14 21:44:54

One of my best friends is still a virgin at 37. She had cancer as a teenager and had a below knee amputation at 26; her body image has never been good. She has never worn high heels or anything other than trousers/jeans or very long dresses.
Men do find her attractive; she looks young for her age and is actually very pretty but also very shy.
I hope she finds the right man at some point.

I know lots of women who don't have sex regularly - either they are single mums and never meet men, or just don't have boyfriends because they can't find the right one.

Sometimes I think it seems that 'everyone' is at it but actually that's far from true.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: