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dd2nc with everyone, then after years suddenly contacted dd1

(21 Posts)
liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 17:06:17

I feel like a spinning top.

Dd2,(45) suffered depression for many years, threats of suicide, going nc with each family member , one by one, eventually going nc with me-dm-.-long backstory, but the basic facts are relevant to now.

( I supported and helped her through the sadness and fear, particularly never knowing if she had indeed committed suicide, fearful when going to her house, which incidentally I brought her)

She "instructed" me if I had a relationship with dd1,(49) she would never speak to me again , that she hated dd1, and would never speak to her again.
One day she would be kind to me, we would go shopping together, but in the wink of an eye, she would refuse to reply to emails/texts/phone calls.
She also said the same about ds (45).

I kindly explained that my relationship with dd1 and ds was not negotiable, but she cut all ties with us all.

That was a number of years ago.

Dd1 and ds live and work together, and have a happy and successful relationship.

Three weeks ago, and out of the blue, dd2 emailed dd1, asking how she was, and talking about her life etc, as though nothing happened in the past.

Dd1 replies to her sisters emails, but says she is concerned to resume contact as previous reconciliations have been fragile and destructive.

Dd2 never asks about me or ds, as though we don't exist.

Dd2 never asks about other family members she has inexplicably gone nc in the past, which has left them reeling in shock and sadness.

My question is this, am I feeling "jealous" that dd2 has chosen to contact dd1,( it has been many years since the nc) instead of me her mum ,who loved and supported her unconditionally for over 4 decades.

Dd1 wants her sibling in her life, but it could be manipulative on the part of dd2, as if they meet in a few weeks time, dd1 will feel uncomfortable, knowing dd2 won't speak to anyone else in the family.

To be honest, I personally felt "safer" when the only contact I had in my life was with dd1 and ds.

havenever Thu 03-Apr-14 17:14:15

What would dd2 say was her reason for going nc?

why will dd1 feel uncomfortable having a relationship with dd2?

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 17:20:08

dd2 perceived "slights" against the whole world, has for many years, it would only take one tiny word and nc would be instigated.

dd1 said she felt it would be disloyal to ds and myself .

I replied that I wouldn't always be around, and there may be a time when she may need her ds.
Although it would be fractured as dd2 won't have contact with ds.

havenever Thu 03-Apr-14 17:32:18

what would dd2 say was her reason for going nc?

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 17:36:43

dd2 said her reason for going nc with dd1,
was because she-dd1-had a disagreement with df, and dd2 took df side, although by then dd2 had already been nc with dd1 for years.
But now, dd2 is nc again with df, that she has returned to dd1.

havenever Thu 03-Apr-14 17:45:34

i dont know if you sound jealous but you sound resentful of dd2

do you have any influence over whether dd1 meets dd2? or are you only trying to make sense of your feelings surrounding the sudden contact?

what was the disagreement(s) over with df/dd1/dd2?? are you with df? what is the root of dd2s depression? when did it start? does she have a diagnosis/treatment?

why do ds and dd1 live together?

havenever Thu 03-Apr-14 17:47:21

are there lots of fallings out geerally in the family...or is it perculiar to ddd2?

what did dd1 and df 'disagree' about?

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 18:22:05

no, not resentful of dd2, I actually feel sadness for her, as she has no family left to have any relationship with, until her email out of the blue with dd1.
definitely " no influence" if dd1 meets dd2, as adults I wouldn't even attempt to "influence" one way or the other.

It is the sudden contact that I am attempting to understand, I wondered if dd2 felt lonely and realised her loss re nc with everyone.

dd2's depression manifested itself when she was a teenager, and has continued since then.
she has had counselling and medication for years,

The final nc from dd2 to dd1 was when their df didn't approve of dd1's boyfriend years ago,
which resulted in dd2 agreeing with df, and basically verbally abused dd1, telling her she wanted nc, for ever.

There has been a certain amount of falling out/disagreements over the years, if it wasn't one of them it was another, but as a parent I tried to keep the family together, trying to reason and see the other point of view.

no, df and I are not together.

dd1 and ds live together with dd1's family as dd1 has her own business which ds works in.

but, my main question that I am trying to make sense of, is why should dd2 contact dd1 recently, particularly as just a few months ago, dd2, went nc with her dear aunt and cousin, the dearest, sweetest people you could ever meet.

I guess I have understood my own confusion, simply by writing it down.

If dd2 wants to meet dd1, for my sanity, I will not attempt to analyse why or how.

dollius Thu 03-Apr-14 18:28:28

I think there are a couple of questions which spring to mind following your OP.

Why do DD1 and DS live together? This is an unusual set up for siblings aged 49 and 45.

How was DD2s teenage depression handled?

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 18:41:01

Well, they live together as ds is single, and works for dd1, they emigrated a few years ago.

through the years ,dd2's depression was a combination of medication and counselling, but sadly , any improvement was only short lived.

We had to walk on egg shells around her, fearing for her mental state.

The last time she spoke to me , some years ago, was on a day shopping trip, where we brought a present for each other.
The following day, she refused to answer her phone/texts/emails, her cat had died and she followed her downward spiral of depression.

I then received a letter from her, explaining I was basically the worst person who ever walked the earth.
I don't know, maybe she has "reinvented" herself, and feels better that she is away from family.
She isn't married or has dc's, but has her work and home and friends, so doesn't need or want family.

Except out of the blue emails her sister.

Pippilangstrompe Thu 03-Apr-14 19:00:49

I think the best thing to do is just go with the flow and see what happens. I don't think you will be able to understand dd2's motivation for getting in touch now. Dd1 is an adult and knows what her sister is like. Let her get on with it.

Nomama Thu 03-Apr-14 19:20:21

Back off mum. You know that is safest for you and yours.

You can be there for DD1 is it all goes pear shaped again. Meanwhile you have a familial contact with DD2 again. You can relax.

Do not overthink why DD1 got the 'pleasure', just be mindful that DD1 is the chosen contact and don't butt in - not even a little bit. Ask DD1 if she would mind letting you know how DD2 is but reassure her you won't nag or pry. Don't put her in a tricky position. It sound as though this will be difficult enough as it is.

And I am really sorry this has shaken you. You say you felt safer without her in your life. That must be an horrendous realisation for you.

Have a hug (if they are allowed here smile)

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 19:32:33

Thanks nomama,
I have already discussed the contact with dd1, explained that I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if the two dd's meet sometime in the future.
if there is any chance that they may manage to establish a reasonable relationship in the next few months/years, I will be happy for them.

actually dd1 is taking it one day/email at a time.
At first dd1 forwarded me dd2's emails as she actually didn't know the best way to respond, fearing that if she rebuilt their relationship, she could be find her life being unsettled again, re possible nc, as has always happened.

Yes, the realisation that I am "safer" in my life without the stress of dd2 is soul destroying , but as I am almost 70 now, I find it more difficult to adjust to explosions in my life.

I have always loved dd2, but it was never reciprocated to be honest, maybe she was too loved/spoilt.

I don't know.

Nomama Thu 03-Apr-14 19:41:51

Well, DD1 sounds as though her head is screwed on the right way.

And you can always come back here and blow off some steam.

You don't need to know. You just need to relax into the 'what is' and sod the 'what might / should have been'.

Oh! I sound all po faced and worthy now smile

Thetallesttower Thu 03-Apr-14 19:48:12

I think your dd has mental health problems, which you know, but you don't seem to realise that will have changed her personality as well, sometimes profoundly depending on the nature of the MH issue. It is not due to her being too loved or spoilt and she may indeed love you, but she is ill as well and so you have to see her behaviour as a manifestation of that rather than as a rejection of you.

I think it very unlikely she is going to come back and re-establish really amazing links with her sister, unless she has had very successful treatment. I would keep yourself out of it, don't read the emails she didn't send them to you, but be there to pick up dd1 if and when this all goes wrong again.

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 19:53:24

haha, yes, you are right!

what is/what might/should have been , it's all whats, whats,whats.
what is do know is that I can't change the past, but to learn from it.

dd1 I am sure will walk softly, and who knows, that proverbial corner!

yes, I was shaken when dd1 first said re the unexpected email, I truly didn't expect anyone in the family to hear from dd2 again ( i always sent dd2 birthday cards/xmas card) but I am sure they were ripped up and burnt.
thank you all for your perspectives on my sad situation

heartichoke Thu 03-Apr-14 19:54:55

My sister (now over 50) has behaved in similar ways to your DD2 throughout her adult life. At no time that I'm aware of has she suffered depression- NC is just her standard way of dealing with any interaction that doesn't go her way - or her way of reacting if people haven't agreed with her. As her family, we have often be completely baffled by the reasons and by the timing for resuming contact (always at her instigation - and ONLY at her instigation).

She has now been NC for the past 10 years from both myself and our parents. When I talk to people about it, I feel as if they judge me for somehow being at fault in failing to maintain a relationship with her - or they imagine that my sister must have been treated abominably at some point. I assure them that this is not the case, but they urge me to seek reconciliation - they just don't understand how incredibly damaging and hurtful her repeated withdrawal from the family has been.

I must say that we never have 'hit it off' together as siblings - and a lot of our falling out was definitely caused as equally by me as by her - but her ultimate default position of NC at any opportunity is what has completely killed off any relationship.

I think that Nomama's advice is absolutely right - steer clear and treat with caution. Let them get on with it - I don't think that we can ever accurately divine other people's motivations, but for people that default to NC even less so, since it's not perhaps a choice that we would have made ourselves.

Maybe she's making tentative steps back towards your family, and maybe that will be a good thing for you all? Maybe she has a need for support that your DD1 might be able to provide? Maybe she's just lonely - or perhaps she worries that one of you might fall ill or die and she wouldn't know? Maybe she just acted on impulse when she contacted DD1?

Good luck - I hope that all goes well.

liveinbubble Thu 03-Apr-14 20:19:04

thank you.
I know since dd2 was actually 13 that her mh issues manifested itself.

I saw at first hand how her personality/character changed, from being loving and loved ,to hating everyone and everything.
I also doubt that it is likely that amazing links will be re-established with dd1.
I too am totally baffled when dd2 goes nc with kind caring family members.

What will be will be, but I can't believe that dd2 is making tentative steps to return to her family.
She has shown such a hateful and nasty side to us all.

Each time this has happened over the years, dd2 has simply come back as though nothing had happened-nc- and refused to discuss it, saying simply forget it.

As far as dd2 worrying that one might fall ill or die and she wouldn't know, well, that might be true.
Before going nc a few years ago, she actually demanded to see my will, in a vitriolic email saying she wanted to keep it in case I died.

my goodness reading and writing this makes me feel I am completely useless as a person, even how did I fail my dd2 .

so, at least I have my dear friends and family, but as always it's the missing one that hurts so much

drudgetrudy Thu 03-Apr-14 22:06:34

sometimes people develop mental health issues that are not directly related to anything their mother has done and if someone is very sensitive they may be upset by things that would not be as distressing to the average person.
It does sound as if your daughter has mental health problems.
I think the advice to keep a low profile and stay out of this is good.
What looks like "hateful behaviour" can sometimes be triggered by extreme sensitivity.
It is distressing when relationships with adult children are so strained and difficult.
I hope that your daughter does eventually make contact with you and that there can be some healing.

heartichoke Sat 05-Apr-14 13:54:48

Don't be hard on yourself - this is a result of the choices that your DD has made as an adult - doubtlessly not helped by her MH issues. She is responsible for her own actions.
Be kinder to yourself - in a way, you have been a hugely successful parent to her, since she is able to operate independently in the world - isn't that what our goal as parents is?

liveinbubble Sat 05-Apr-14 14:08:34

thank you, yes, as an adult dd2 is responsible for her actions, but I always have this thought that she is so isolated from her family.
But maybe that is how she copes with life, never having to make deeper relationships.

As I said, she has never married, after some very difficult relationships.

After reading the replies, I think that the deep issue I have, is that as much as I long to have her in my life again, the thought of losing her yet again , as has happened many times after nc, sometimes being for 2/3/5 years, fills my heart with dread.

Perhaps this will never happen so I am worrying for nothing?

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