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Fianace left what do I do now(19 Posts)
Ok here is a little background. My ex fiancé and I have been together for 7 years living together for 6. We have a dd together who is almost 3. Things have been a little rocky with life pressures for about a yr with him working long hours me working night shifts and juggling dd. he is always in a bad mood and quick to put me down or say I'm doing it wrong or if something happens say it is my fault. He did little for dd and spent his free days doing 'his stuff which goes with his next trait that he is quite selfish not really thinking of me or our dd most of the time. He has lots of debt which I try and support him with by paying more into the house each month. He is a compulsive liar about almost everything which is one of the reasons he has so much debt and why I find it hard to trust him. I'm no angel. I am short tempered with him as I am so frustrated aNd annoyed with his behaviour.
We'll we r both 29 and he said he is so unhappy and left. Said no more. After some digging I found he has been making a date with a 21 yr old from his work and wants to get his own flat which he cannot afford.
He is only going to pay maintenance as his parents pressured him into it and is being a bit of a a**e about it. He is keen to have our dd on his days off which is more time than he would have spent with her before.
My problem is despite all this I do love him and never ever wanted my child to be brought up with her parents separate.
I know it is probably for the best but I can't help but feel id move mountains to have my family back and avoid the mummy's house and daddy's house situation.
I also am terrified that I will be alone forever.
I am in a better situation than most. The house is in my name and I have a good job so can afford to run it myself...just.
Why do I want this man back when he has very little redeeming qualities?
SHUT UP AND GROW A PAIR!
That's the basic, rude version of my message.
The slightly more supportive versions is:
You have been together for quite a while, it must be really hard to just switch off. That and you are in full on Mummy Mode - for him and your DC.
Read back your post: you are supporting him in his lies and financial mess. Why? Because it makes you feel better/needed, perhaps?
From the rest of your post it is obvious he doesn't appreciate your help, your support etc. You know all of that though.
Which takes me back to my first attempt, get a grip, stuff upper lip etc. You won't be alone... you may not even notice he is gone.
Well I don't think you actually want 'this' man back.
You want the man you 'thought' he was back.
He's gone and he's never going to come back.
You are also grieving for the life you thought you had and wanted.
A family as you see it.
You are a family with you and your DD.
No-one goes into a loving relationship and has children expecting to live as separate parents.
We all want the happy ever after.
Unfortunately, an awful lot of us just don't get that.
You will be just fine.
You will be sad and you will grieve but you will be so much better off without him.
Let his new 21 YO pay off his debts. They deserve each other!
But you weren't a family, far from it, he treated you like shite and went behind your back with someone from work, there's nothing to miss surely???
You should never have bailed him out so much, he was just a user.
You are well rid, although you feel sad at the moment, that will pass.
And at 29, you're hardly too old to go out and meet another man.
Spend the time working on yourself and liking yourself, don't let another man take advantage of you again, it's either 50/50 or don't go there.
Looks like he's done you a favour.
Concentrate on making a lovely home and life for your dd.
You have a child, you don't need a man child.
Why do I want this man back when he has very little redeeming qualities?
Because you are pining for the 'what might have been', instead of the 'for what it was'.
You know deep down that you are well rid of this man child but it will take time to let go of your dreams and aspirations with regards to this relationship. You have had a tremendous shock and it will take time to come to terms with what has happened. Get RL support and remember that he has thrown away a good woman and life and you have lost the dead weight.
The best thing this man has done to date was helping to create your DD and pissing off. However, be aware that this feckless idiot will soon realise that you were carrying him and will want to return to the easy life that you provided.
Take care and be good to yourself.
Thanks for the replies. I really do need to tough love. I think it's because I'm shit scared of being on my own.
You will only be on your own as long as you want to be.
For a while that's possibly the best thing, although you are not really on your own because of your child. Just realise that she will need to get used to it too.
He has a duty to support his child, and you should not facilitate him in any way that helps him avoid his responsibilities.
OP it is scary. But I tell you what, it's a trillion times better than living with that lying lazy arsehole
I now it feels like the end of the world now and you are bound to be really really upset but I promise you that you'll be OK - better than OK - without him
Ok, this is going to sound flippant but someone who was left as a single mum to four under five this is meant from the bottom of my heart.
Firstly you are extremely lucky that he has done this when you just have one child and not further down the line when you have two or three little ones. Secondly, your home is already in your name, you have independence and financial security that others crave for. Please see how lucky you are to be in this position.
So what I want you to do is this, you and your DD are going to have the most amazing time together. You are going to have work, she will have school but you will have holidays and adventures, you will have huge amounts of 1:1 time together and she will have lovely time with her Father whenever she sees him. If he has her to stay overnight you can get some "me" time as well.
Congratulations on loosing the dead weight, namely your ex fiance!
You'll be fine without him and, as a PP said, probably won't even notice he's not around!
You've been with this awful, selfish, irresponsible arse for nearly your whole adult life. Fortunately for you, you now have an opportunity to find out that there are better options out there for you than being dragged down by this millstone.
Your first paragraph is almost laughably dreadful. 'I've been with this guy, he's critical, lazy, selfish, a compulsive liar and deeply in debt. Now he's left me, what do I do?'
Hire a bloody brass band and celebrate your escape.
Thank you for ur posts. I guess I have just been so wrapped up in the situation I kind of lost sight of what it really was. I am quick to blame myself and say I caused him to do x y and a when I know deep down that it isn't the case.
He has just worn me down so much over the last few yrs I've lost sight of the independent fiery person I once was and become attached to him and believe I am everything he says I am and that I in some way need him when in fact I've probably been a single parent with him gracing us with his presence occasionally for at least a yr when he could drag himself away from his work.
I realise I am in a very lucky position to be able to support my daughter and myself and do not need to rely on him for anything. I've been already virtually doing it this long.
OP, I am so, so, sorry. But you have to let him go.
Children are incredibly resilient about living in two homes if that's sensitively managed. I was the one who had to tell my DS that mummy and daddy didn't love each other any more. He cried and was upset for a few days, but once he could see that he would still be loved by both of us, he adapted very quickly. He is very secure in the world and it's definitely for the best that we split up.
It's so easy to put your needs at the bottom of the pile once you have children. But you know, you can do so much better than this.
Check this site out - the writer virtually saved my life:
and then do the "I dodged a bullet dance" because you my friend have had a lucky escape.
Surely its better to be alone ( as much as you can be with a dc) than with a man like that. Thank your lucky stars you didn't marry the twat and have to give him half your house AND pay for a divorce.
You've had a lucky escape. Book a decent holiday with your dd, fill your weekends with fun and laughter even if its only at the local park with other mums and make a note to dump very fast indeed any bloke who even makes you think " aww, he's just like my ex"
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