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Am I a terrible bitch to DH? Quite long and self involved!(109 Posts)
Background is I have spent the last five days staying at DBs flat other side of country with my two children. DH stayed at home to do work although three of those days were weekend and annual leave for his birthday.
Baby ds fell ill whilst i was there. Hospital visit but turned out to just be virus. I ended up extending my stay as could not face five hour train journey with constantly crying 10 month old baby. I had v little sleep whilst I was there. Ds was coughing and screaming all night, everynight. I come home on day 5 as ds has improved. On the train my DD starts vomiting just into the journey then she faints. She has blood sugar problems so this has happened before. It was very stressful to say the
least, but I managed to stay calm and deal with her throwing up and collapsing, and with a toddling cranky 10 month old stuck between carriages as we had no seats for the first two hours.
I texted DH who offered to collect us. Sweet but impractical. I asked him if he could please please meet me off train on platform as had a wobbly 4yr old in pushchair, a free range baby, backpack and two other bags. He didn't, choosing instead to amble down platform whilst I got a stranger to help. I snapped at him. 'Thanks for helping me off the train'. His face fell and I basically got passive agressive distant treatment for a while as is the usual form, however, I did apologise later on and organised presents (actually his birthday that day) and a takeaway and put kids to bed, cleared up the vomit laden bags and buggy. Not quite in that order! He remained frosty with me for some time despite all of this.
I slept with both kids in our bed as Dd was up in night retching etc and I was worried about her blood sugar. Baby was also up four times in night. I breastfeed btw. Dh had a nights sleep downstairs on sofa. So night six of hardly any sleep for me... my ds seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Coughing and crying, my Dd now has diarrhoea. DH asks what is wrong with baby and I was pretty sarcastic. 'He has a virus, I had to take him to hospital remember?' DH gets stroppy. 'Do you realise how horrid and snappy you've been since you got back?' and then he starts up the sulky treatment again.
I can't deal with it. I am SHATTERED. I have two sick children, I also have a cold. I cannot deal with DH disappearing in a sulk because I was sarcasti to him. Surely a grown man can see I am at the end of my tether and need support?
So i lost my temper big time. I roared at him, shouted, cried. Called him a child. My poor girl was scared and frightened. I stomped out of the house to go to the post office and cooled down a bit. When I got back I have been told that I 'devalue and discredit' my DHs arguments, that it is unreasonable for me to shout him down and call him names. He shouldnt
have to put up with me being stroppy and grumpy... and he has nothing to apologise for. He actually rarely apologises for anything.
second round right now - I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him. I've never spoken to him like that before.
Things have quietened down now.
Am I a horrible horrible person? I feel wretched.
Your little girl is four and after ten months of you bf DC2 your DH surely knows the drill by now. Granted OP turned down the offer of fetching them because it was impractical but thereafter he couldn't have been less involved if he'd met OP at the station for the first time on a blind date.
I hope you can apologise for shouting but birthday or not it was a gruelling day and you needed some help.
Maybe you can agree a truce. Acknowledge each other's input and recognise that in the heat of the moment under pressure you snapped.
Sometimes as a parent worn out with sick infants during a particularly stressful week it's a bit galling when your OH can't take the initiative without minute instructions.
Well done OP, counselling and sleep sounds like what you need. It sounds like there are bigger issues than this one incident.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the father of your DC to be able to work out what's helpful to do without being given detailed instructions.
My DSis had a non-sleeping DC and years of serious sleep deprivation made her incredibly short-tempered, to the point where we (as in the extended family) became almost scared to speak to her at times, even to offer help (which was often angrily rejected as she felt I think that accepting it would mean we thought she couldn't cope or something). However, it wasn't 'her', so to speak, and now her DC are older she's pretty much back to her normal self. Get some sleep and hopefully in a few years time you and DH will be able to look back on this time with a wry shrug.
If anyone shouted at me they'd get far more than passive aggressive.
Apart from threats or violence, I don't think there is much that's worse than the PA emotional crap the OP's DH uses to control her.
If my husband treated me the way you treated him he'd have got a lot worse than your husband have you. You need to explain what you need. Both me and my husband have best intentions and want the best for each other but often misread or don't understand how best to achieve that. In the a sense of mundreading skills, kindness and communication are the key. If anyone shouted at me they'd get far more than passive aggressive.
Marzipanface you need to sleep. You have no ability to think rationally due to sleep deprivation and stress. Sleep will fix this. Stop thinking about it and snooze. I wish we had sleep visitors instead of health visitors. Say have a 6 night/day allowance you can call in any time in first 2 years.
You are human not superhuman. Sure, its not good to lose it but it's so understandable and understanding should be provided.
For what it's worth my husband would have got worse.
You probably do need to get better at limiting the load you take on but that can wait....sleep!!
You know I think actually that what you really need is a good rest - sleep deprivation is not a form of torture for nothing. The world looks a terrible place when you are exhausted, please don't think that what you're feeling is abnormal in anyway. I appreciate that will young and ill children rest isn't going to come easy, but a couple of good nights sleep really will help you see things in a different light.
I've booked some counselling. I have been quite tearful and anxious since. I think I have repressed anger and anxiety so I can't handle stress properly.
Sorry, I am reading this thread backwards of some reason - I can see he is helping out now.
Does he understand that this comment you made will impact on how you both behave under stress? He was seriously emotionally and verbally abused by a narcissistic father so is a very timid man in general who can't cope with any kind of confrontation. He was also taught to never express his feelings. I come from a similar background but shouting and anger were everyday occurrences.
You haven't slept for six days, cut yourself some slack. . He needs to get off his backside and help out - why is he not helping with nights?
Yy OP - I don't think people realised you were already on the train when the lift was offered.
You do need a break and some sleep!!! Can he look after he eldest while you sleep with youngest this week?
The whole lift thing... I would have had to get off the train with a fainting puking child, all my bags and grizzly 10 month old, get in a taxi at huge cost to travel the half an hour back to Dbs... again with a vomiting child. Then wait six hours for DH to arrive at about 9pm. Most likely spend anothrr night at DBs then do a v long journey home with child with d & v and a ten month old who really travels badly.
Under those circumstances I thought it would be best to stay put.l as we'd be home in about 4 and half hours.
Haiku, you've not hit a clue what a haiku is
bigdog, wow, you must be lonely
op, hope you're ok after a rest
this bit "Please don't sulk" is going to put him straight back on the defensive.
I think your husband sounds like he needed a kick up the arse really. Coming to meet you but being a muppet about practical stuff is annoying for you when you sound like you're at the end of your tether. It's tough because you're breast feeding but it does sound like DH could do with being up all night with the kids whilst you get some sleep.
I think there's some sanctimony on this thread and you should give yourself a break.
Without knowing what
Forums or posters you know,
That might not mean much.
OP, I don't think you were abusive and I recommend writing a note.
"I don't hate you, I love you. I am just at breaking point due to stress and sleep deprivation. Please don't sulk and talk to me properly."
Haiku, you are the most annoying poster I have ever encountered, on this forum or any other.
I think you should have taken DH up on the offer of being picked up from your brother's. How impractical could it have been, compared to the option you took? He really tried to help you out then to be fair to him.
Sulking is ridiculous though, and I would snap at that too.
One of us needed (and got) anger management.. it wasnt me.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I would never say something like that to someone I supposedly love and if anyone said that to me they'd be kicked out the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground.
I'm sure you'd enjoy the drama and martyrdom immensely but perhaps not the future so much
Bigdog, fair enough if that works for you. However I think it's parr for the course when people are driven to the end of their tether. The point is when we feel our needs are utterly overlooked and swamped, humans don't behave at their best. If you love someone then equally it would be reasonable to expect them to care for your well being both physical and psychological - and for them to forgive you for saying stupid things. Do you really only offer 'love' that means "I love you (as long as you're nice to me)'? Of course not. Love means you love the person - not their behaviour.
OP, don't beat yourself up about having lost your cool with him. His 'sulking' is passive aggression and put you neatly 'in the wrong'. No wonder you then voiced your needs in an explosion. It seems to me his silent treatment wasn't designed to let you both cool off and build bridges, but was clearly designed to make sure you knew just how 'bad' you had been, without his having to face a real conversation with you.
He's been the knob here, not you. You sound like a mega-mum to me. I'd have been on the phone demanding DH collected me from DB's house in person, never in a million years would I have faced the train journey you describe.
And what's more - it is perfectly possible to share night duties when BFing. I had twins and (stealthboast alert) my DH didn't miss a single feed... he got DS up; I fed DS while he got DD and did her nappy and gave him a cuddle. I fed DD while he did DS's nappy and gave him a cuddle. TBH I never even got out of bed... he did the fetching and putting back in cots. Misting up here thinking about those happy times! (they're 16 now and he's not doing so good on parenting teens!)
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