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Am I a terrible bitch to DH? Quite long and self involved!(109 Posts)
Background is I have spent the last five days staying at DBs flat other side of country with my two children. DH stayed at home to do work although three of those days were weekend and annual leave for his birthday.
Baby ds fell ill whilst i was there. Hospital visit but turned out to just be virus. I ended up extending my stay as could not face five hour train journey with constantly crying 10 month old baby. I had v little sleep whilst I was there. Ds was coughing and screaming all night, everynight. I come home on day 5 as ds has improved. On the train my DD starts vomiting just into the journey then she faints. She has blood sugar problems so this has happened before. It was very stressful to say the
least, but I managed to stay calm and deal with her throwing up and collapsing, and with a toddling cranky 10 month old stuck between carriages as we had no seats for the first two hours.
I texted DH who offered to collect us. Sweet but impractical. I asked him if he could please please meet me off train on platform as had a wobbly 4yr old in pushchair, a free range baby, backpack and two other bags. He didn't, choosing instead to amble down platform whilst I got a stranger to help. I snapped at him. 'Thanks for helping me off the train'. His face fell and I basically got passive agressive distant treatment for a while as is the usual form, however, I did apologise later on and organised presents (actually his birthday that day) and a takeaway and put kids to bed, cleared up the vomit laden bags and buggy. Not quite in that order! He remained frosty with me for some time despite all of this.
I slept with both kids in our bed as Dd was up in night retching etc and I was worried about her blood sugar. Baby was also up four times in night. I breastfeed btw. Dh had a nights sleep downstairs on sofa. So night six of hardly any sleep for me... my ds seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Coughing and crying, my Dd now has diarrhoea. DH asks what is wrong with baby and I was pretty sarcastic. 'He has a virus, I had to take him to hospital remember?' DH gets stroppy. 'Do you realise how horrid and snappy you've been since you got back?' and then he starts up the sulky treatment again.
I can't deal with it. I am SHATTERED. I have two sick children, I also have a cold. I cannot deal with DH disappearing in a sulk because I was sarcasti to him. Surely a grown man can see I am at the end of my tether and need support?
So i lost my temper big time. I roared at him, shouted, cried. Called him a child. My poor girl was scared and frightened. I stomped out of the house to go to the post office and cooled down a bit. When I got back I have been told that I 'devalue and discredit' my DHs arguments, that it is unreasonable for me to shout him down and call him names. He shouldnt
have to put up with me being stroppy and grumpy... and he has nothing to apologise for. He actually rarely apologises for anything.
second round right now - I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him. I've never spoken to him like that before.
Things have quietened down now.
Am I a horrible horrible person? I feel wretched.
On here, if a man
Had behaved like you,
He would be called abusive.
Yes thank you Haiku. I AM abusive and require anger management classes and counselling is the latest exchange
I think you have been a little harsh with him.
He was heading to help you on the platform? Ambling you said. How about looking to see which carriage? You snapped at him for not meeting you on the platform, his face fell you said.
Ok, so he sulked after that. But you were big enough to apologise, you are going to have to spell it out. Help me with x while I do y.
I think he thinks he's not wanted / needed.
How the fuck can he not remember that his child has been hospitalised?!
"What's wrong with the baby?"
Fuck me OP. I'd have lost it with him too. Does he do anything helpful?
You snapped under hard circumstances, but you then apologised. He then forgot what was wrong with his kid?!!?! I'd have gone mental again then too, even if I had slept. So it seems I'm abusive too. At least there's a few of us
When I got to my absolute most desperate point when dd was a toddler who didn't like going to bed in the evening and ds was 8 months old and waking up every 3 hours at night and dh was working 50 hour weeks and more or less sleeping when he felt like it ... I put a bottle of expressed milk in the fridge, booked myself into a boutique B&B for a night, waited until dh got home from work then said I was going out to the car for something, left a note for dh on the doormat, and left them all to it.
I certainly have got to the end of my tether, shouted extremely loudly and then taken to my bed. Only once or twice, but sometimes it is all too much. I don't see any point in raking over it, you are exhausted, you lost it you are not perfect but then you are looking after two little people and your db and he's looking after...himself.
This is just the kind of blip that happens when people are tired/have expectations (he was hoping for a big beaming happy birthday smile).
I think you need to cut him some slack- he was in birthday mode and didn't understand why you were angry at him, and he for sure needs to see your shouting as a big red flag that you are exhausted and not coping and step up to the plate.
Mintyy how did that go down? Did you get a frosty reception in the morning?!
Yes you snapped and said bad things but I'm going to say YANBU.
The reason being your OP reads as if the children are not your husband's...
No, to be fair, he was sorry that he hadn't been listening to me properly when I said I was getting over tired. He gave me a big hug and then went to work. They all survived fine.
That's lovely minty - wish I'd had the guts!
OP don't feel bad - you are exhausted, he's not been thoughtful and it has caused a row. These things happen
frequently in this house.
Nanny's post is probably the best way forward. Said as someone who has 2DC with colds (including bf baby) also me and DH. But obviously his is far worse and he is "ill" so arsey comments and grumpiness is fine for him but if I get to the end of my tether and snap back to the baiting it's all my fault!
YANBU I would have reacted the same way and it really annoys me that I have to spell everything out if I want it doing.
I sometimes think I need a DW not a DH as then life would actually be easier day to day.
I'd have killed him in those circumstances so imo you're doing well just being snappy and sarcastic! I think most people would be arsey dealing with all that. really hope your DC are better soon and you are too.
yanbu - and the PA shite could be described as abusive and gaslighting haiku person .
op your husband has been thoughtless and useless - I would write it down in a letter to him as he is making it hard to discuss calmly when you're suffering with exhaustion.
Can't decide if your DH is absolutely lovely for having that reaction the next day, or totally BU for letting you get to that stage!!
Bet it felt so lovely to get some peace
Sounds very typical of many arguments I've had with my hubby in the past, tbh perhaps you have allowed him to take a back seat for a while? The fact you travelled so far with two small children on your own suggests you didn't want to ask your husband to go with you? Your brother is his family to, perhaps you should just start to make it clear you expect him to go with you to visit relatives as a family? And don't give him a choice regarding helping you with the kids at night, just tell him from now on you expect him to do his fair share- they are his kids too! I would just try firmly and calmly laying down a few ground rules - moods are the worst but you should just be cool in return and calmly tell him that you will not be apologising and you need more help! Good luck xx
Yes, YABU, because you are over the edge of worry and exhaustion, while your DH, by the sound of it, is being a bit blokey and dense and sulky and not really understanding where you are at.
So tell him straight 'yes, I'm snappy and irritable because I'm exhausted. I don't want to be this horrible to be around or this desperate. The support I need from you is.... eg take turns to care for kids so you get some sleep.
And call in some other help if you can get it.
Remember, where you want to be is knowing you are in a shitty situation together and getting through it together, not wasting what little energy you have on arguing.
How was he supposed to know where you were on the train? He was on the platform but not in the right place. I suppose you both had different expectations there.
He would have been all excited to see you all again, especially as it was his birthday, and you were just wanting him to sweep you all up from the train and take over. Not unreasonably!
Maybe you just need to be clearer. With one of my dds I have to be super clear with my instructions. It's just the way she is.
On your first night you should have handed them over to him at bedtime rather than having both of them sleep in your bed. I get that you are breast feeding but you aren't going to get to sleep with two children in your bed.
Sounds like you need a bit if a break so I would ensure I got one if it were you. Perhaps he could take them out for the day or something.
Hang on hang on - he's told you he needs 8 hours sleep or else he's grumpy!? Spell it out to him - you are fucking grumpy because you have gone SIX DAYS with no sleep and a LOT of stress. If he is entitled to be grumpy when sleep deprived then so are you surely!?
Anger management and abuse calling is a bit OTT. Yes, you shouldn't go on the attack and call him names. You snapped about the train door because you were at the end of your rope but maybe he was just 20 seconds late. But anger in itself, here, is justified because he's expecting you to do a superhuman task while he sleeps, and cold-shouldering you for being pissed off. That is not ok.
I don't actually think a man faced with 6 days sole childcare day and night with ill kids and a DW who just went to sleep then sulked because he was sarcastic would be called abusive. It would be justified if he was pissed off too.
He needs to do a full night, getting up every time either child wakes (either giving EBM or bringing baby to you to bf and then resettling him) before he can blame you for grumping. Then he can also have them all day while you relax (like he did when you were away). He must do that and then see how it feels and whether he feels stressed.
Thank you all. He has looked after DD most of the day despite being on annual leave with a view to doing extra work. She has developed a case of diarrhoea now the poor thing
It is v hard to be objective. I do have a temper and lose it spectacularly every few months mainly down to lack of sleep and stress. I've never said I hated him though. I don't.
YANBU. He sounds a bit useless and thoughtless, and the sulking for hours is one of the things that wound you up. The thing is, you are doing stuff while he is sulking. I would imagine that would annoy anyone.
He needs to drop the wounded puppy act. I also have experience with a man who doesn't help me with carrying bags out of the car. Unless you wait 10 minutes while he faffs around. So I will struggle out with bags of shopping, heavy furniture, whatever, on my own while he sits in the car until its all done. I share your pain!!!
"I told him out of
earshot of children that I
currently hate him"
"I've never said I
hated him though. I don't." So
which one is it then?
Haiku, try reading the thread properly rather than composing your poems. OP was saying she had never said she hated DP previously, and is concerned she said it this time.
Haiku I must say
This haiku-form judginess
Is SO annoying.
You sound amazing, he sounds like a prize arse who doesn't appreciate you, can't be bothered with his own sick children and is lazy to boot.
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