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Moving in together- good idea?(50 Posts)
So my boyfriend has asked me to move in with him. We've only known each other 4 months but it feels right and I do want to! It makes sense to do this one as he owns his house and my lease is coming to an end.
My questions are 1) is it too soon? And 2) what are the pitfalls of moving in with someone who owns their house? I would pay him rent (which would be much cheaper than staying on in my current home) and if it all went wrong a few months down the line I could just move out and rent somewhere new. We are in our early 30s both with decent paying jobs (he earns a lot more than me though) and no dc.
Argh! 'One' is supposed to be 'now'. Stupid phone
If it feels right go for it, I wouldn't at four months but I'm extremely cautious.
Paying rent to start is fine, perhaps if it turns into a longer lasting arrangement you might want to get yourself on the mortgage or at least have something to say you are contributing to it.
At 4 months in you are still dating and apart from anything else you barely know each other!!.
Why on earth are you considering such a one sided arrangement at all?. Tell him to basically take a hike. You would be far better off staying financially independent as well as continuing to live apart.
I can sort of see why he has asked you to move in, he would then have you to have sex with on tap as well as keeping his house nice so this arrangement also works entirely in his favour.
Re this part of your post:-
"I would pay him rent and if it all went wrong a few months down the line I could just move out and rent somewhere new"
Oh yes its that straight forward, not. Are you really so naïve?.
You pay him rent (that is money down the drain and you will never see any of that again in the event of a separation) and give him all the power and control. You could end up with nothing but the clothes you are wearing; he would have every right to throw you out if he so chose. He could too easily get very nasty if he decided to give you the boot and you would not have any legal rights at all.
Its up to you, 4 months isn't a long time & you need some savings probably equal to a deposit & one month's rent that are in your name alone. Calling it rent seems a bit odd, is your relationship equal? Will he assume that he is superior & you are the tenant?
As Jan says, if it goes on for longer then get some financial advice about where you stand, (e.g. if you have been contributing to the mortgage for 3 years then split up, are you entitled to any share of the property).
"e.g. if you have been contributing to the mortgage for 3 years then split up, are you entitled to any share of the property)".
I would still think not particularly if not named on either the mortgage or title deeds. There have been women who have received not a penny back for all the furnishings and home décor they have paid for.
Such arrangements like the original one being proposed are entirely and solely for the man's benefit. He holds all the cards here, OP could well be sleepwalking into a legal nightmare.
Thanks for the responses!
Atilla-I don't feel it would be 'money down the drain' as I would otherwise be renting a small flat- whereas if I live with him I'll be staying in a lovely house for less rent. Effectively saving money. As for keeping the house nice- I'm definitely the messy one of the relationship! His place is always immaculate. Sex on tap benefits me too!!! However, I do take your point about not knowing him that well. That's my main concern.
Attila "I can sort of see why he has asked you to move in, he would then have you to have sex with on tap as well as keeping his house nice"
Pretty presumptive, no?! She also gets sex on tap and she might be a domestic slattern
OP, you get to live cheaply. Save up the excess, keep your rental deposit, and enjoy yourselves.
I also think the above is a bit harsh, the OP has told us what she will be paying him will in fact be less than what she pays just now, so she scores too and yes she gets sex on tap too, very sexist to say otherwise.
You could give him the equivalent of rent, but don't fork out for any work or decorations, unless you write up an agreement.
You will have to consider the long run as well.
The "rent" option sounds fine now, but what if you get pregnant?
And you might want to buy a place, at some point in your life.
In those cases, you should want to pay towards his mortgage (pay directly to the bank) at some point and have your name on the deeds.
Also consider making wills.
If you move in, don't let it drag as if you were a tenant for too long. And, particularly, don't have children with him before you secure your status.
X posted! I hope my last post clarifies why I am not getting a bad deal financially! In a year or so, yes, I guess we would talk about getting my name on the mortgage.
Can you do a bit of trial for now and keep your rented place for another month or so.
Live with him but keep your place.
It may be that it works out brilliantly which will be great.
Serve notice and stay with him.
You may find he has all sorts of horrible habbits you cannot stand.
My sister lived with someone with OCD and she just couldn't cope.
She obviously didn't know about it before he moved in.
Have a safety net in place for the very near future but if it feels right then go for it.
Only you know how you feel.
Everyone's experiences are different regarding this kind of thing.
There is not wrong or right!
You need to examine his reasons as to why he has asked you to move in with him at only 4 months into this relationship far more closely.
What do you really know about this man in terms of background and relationship history?. How well do you know this person really?.
You are setting yourself up to being used if you do this so caution is strongly advised.
You're in effect part paying his rent for him by moving in with him and may well receive nothing in return for doing so. In the event of a split you would not get a penny of that back and he could too easily become very nasty indeed if you were to split.
You still barely know each other; I would suggest continue to date and not live together as well as keep your finances separate at this early stage.
"In a year or so, yes, I guess we would talk about getting my name on the mortgage"
And does he already know of this?. My guess is he does not. What if he refuses to put you on the mortgage or soft soaps you into some vague promise of, "someday I'll get around to it". You are potentially walking into a huge mess partly of your own making by moving in with him so quickly. This whole arrangement suits him far more than it suits you; this is all for his benefit and not yours at all.
FGS, at the moment the OP is happy to move in with her b/f and pay less rent, if it was a g/f nobody would be saying how awful it was.
Yes, financially things will need to be discussed in the future if they decide it's for the long haul.
Attila: making amazing assumptions there, and how is it him that is benefiting and not her, do you actually expect him at this stage to immediately add her to his title deeds, ridiculous.
Background- I have met his family and a lot of his friends who are all lovely. He came out of a long term relationship over a year ago which ended amicably. He is kind, generous, clever and funny. He probably wouldn't even charge me rent but I'm insisting! I wouldn't be in a position to buy a house myself for a long time anyway so I wouldn't be any worse off financially than otherwise.
I moved in with my now DH after dating for 6 months. I moved 250 miles away as well, because his job (decent position in a small, family run firm) didn't really allow for him to move, whereas mine (full time retail position) did. I moved into his poky 1-bed council flat. We had moved into a private rented place that listed us both on the tenancy within 6 weeks.
I think the advice about saving the rent excess is a good one. I was earning considerably more in my new role so had similar contingency plan just in case I needed it. It turned out I didn't but it certainly gave me a little peace of mind when I had an "WTF am I doing?!" moment. So be aware that anything you put into the mortgage in terms of rent will get you no return unless you are put onto the mortgage, but by the same token if it doesn't work out, you won't have to worry about breaking tenancy agreements etc.
Good luck OP, regardless of what you decide.
it would be much too soon for me. DH and I moved in together after we'd been together for 2 years (lots of baggage from previous relationships) and we did so by buying a place together. I would not care to be my boyfriend's tenant.
As it's his house and you are basically paying to live there as a lodger, albeit one who is in a relationship with the landlord, do you think you'd ever really feel secure in the house and that it is just as much your home as his?
Neither one of you knows how this is going to pan out, which is fine. Neither one of you has to commit to a definite plan for the future - that's what living together is all about discovering. However, you might want to consider moving in on the basis that if all goes swimmingly, you choose a new place to buy together with both your names on the new mortgage after a year or two together in his house. If he's already paid lots of mortgage contributions and has significant equity, he can still protect that, so if he's unwilling to countenance the idea, I'd be very wary of his motives in asking you to move in.
Also, have you had the big chats about marriage/children/money? Talking about them doesn't mean you expect them to happen right away, but there's no point in moving in with someone if you want marriage and DC ultimately and he never sees them in the picture at all. You need to know you have the same goals in life, even if it turns out that you don't want them with each other and disagree on the timescales.
Also be mindful that you will need full financial transparency. Once you share an address, your finances may well become linked, and if either one of you has a damaged credit rating, that could affect the other.
Provided all those things are sorted, I'd say go for it. With no dependents and your own income, this is a risk you can afford to take and could be hugely enjoyable even if it doesn't work out long term. 4 months in one relationship can be equivalent to a year in another - it all depends on how much you see each other and how well you communicate.
Of course I do not expect the OP to be added to the title deeds now but when the OP states that it could be discussed in the future she may well find herself being told vague promises by him about, "someday I'll get around to it".
The power and control balance within this relationship is well and truly in his favour.
I have done this twice, first time it ended up with the relationship going bad, me moving out but trying to carry on being together but by then taking a step backwards seemed impossible and we broke up eventually (I didn't pay rent though as he would have been paying his mortgage regardless and earned far more than I was).
The second time it was my place that my bf moved into, we are now married with 2 dcs. Again he didn't pay me rent though, but I was living in accommodation through work so it wasn't costing me anything anyway.
I think if it works it works, if it doesn't you can always leave.
What Dahlen has written, those words certainly need to be borne in mind.
Was in almost exactly the are situation (age, living arrangements etc) only we did it after five months. It worked for us and we are now happily married. We spent so much time travelling to see one another and paying two separate mortgages/rents that it just worked for us.
Be cautious though: Whatever you do, don't sell your bed/ sofa etc in case you split and find yourself with nothing. Put them in storage or something. It happened to a good friend of mine: all the money from selling her things was ploughed back into decorating his house, so she lost everything.
Also ensure that you have a deposit kept aside for another place if you need to move quickly because he does your nut in.
There are some people advising you to be careful for good reason, but there can be happy outcomes too!
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