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Family and friendship hard times. Wise advice needed (warning long)

(6 Posts)
VioletVenice Wed 02-Apr-14 23:20:53

Hello mumsnet,

I'm a long time lurker but finally plucked the courage together for my first post. I will start bij saying that I'm in my mid twenties and English is my second language so please excuse any spelling mistakes {blush}. I will try not to dripfeed so this could be longer than expected.

Last summer, during our family holiday I accidentally discovered (I wanted to check my e-mail but the tablet is linked to his account so I had to switch it) that my DF had an (emotional) affair and had a child with another woman from a previous ONS/affair (they live abroad from us). At that time I felt I could not confront him because we were abroad and I had no idea how my DM would react and I feared he would deny it or would leave my DM and take everything.
DF works for an international company and we moved around Europe during my childhood, DM gave up her job to make this possible and became a SAHM. Back home I confronted him because I could not live with such a huge secret and because it also impacts me having a half sibling. Long story short and they decided to try and save their marriage.

It was a very rough time for me, I felt very lost and emotionally fragile. I had a lot of support from my aunt, 3 best friends and found that the mumsnet relationshipsboard had very usefull and 'inside' information which helped me al lot.

I've known friend A since our first year at uni and friend B a year later. We've always been a close trio, honest with eachother and never any big arguments.
The last 2 months or so I felt ready to open myself up for a new relationship (last one 18 months ago). Since everything that happened I have difficulties trusting men and especially the more 'macho' type I used to fall for. So I decided it would be a good idea to start talking a bit more to acquaintances at parties, ect. and getting to know more 'variety' of people. Went on 2 dates but nothing more than that.
Now it seems that A and B didn't like this 'new me' and started discussing how I changed and analysed everything I said or did (for example I was an attention seeker because I had to have different tests to find out why I had a chronic cough, blocked nose (ended up being allergies). In their eyes this is a very minor problem so no need for tests).
So any minor irritation became a huge thing and instead of talking to me they talked to other friends who joined in with the slandering. Last week things got really obvious and I confronted A who was very honest and apologetic, we had dinner this week, talked it over and I could tell she was sincerely sorry.
Friend B on the other hand had been practically ignoring me for 2 weeks because she 'doesn't do confrontation'. I tried calling but she insists there is nothing to talk about.
I'm done with it all, I find the whole thing ridiculous and very childish. It seems we have grown apart but after all that's happened my view on life just changed.
Should I try and fix it for the sake of all those years or just let it be and move on?

Thanks for reading this far (it turned out way to long!), and I appreciate your wise mumsnet views.

something2say Wed 02-Apr-14 23:26:01

Hello. Lovely English by the way, well done. I think your issue is the changing world resulting from the knowledge of what your dad did. I think that's the big deal. Let the friend be, she'll come around. Don't cut off, don't chase, just let the days roll by and watch it fix itself. Meanwhile did your mum find out? What did she make of it? How is your relationship with your dad? I also wonder what is your motive for wanting to start a new relationship now, altho you are only young and it's only natural.

AnandaTimeIn Wed 02-Apr-14 23:39:06

There, s two things going on here, your family stuff and uni stuff...

One thing - friends who don, t have your best interests at heart, getting jealous, are not true friends.


VioletVenice Wed 02-Apr-14 23:59:25

Thank you very much for your post at this time a night.

I try my best to keep maintaining and improving my English (smile).
She knows I'm open to talk about it whenever she wants to so I'll let it be and see how it develops.
Yes my mother found out 4 days after we returned because I told my father that he had to tell her or else I would have to. He was very business like and tried to get me to keep it between us. This was very painful for me because I used to look up to him and was always a bit of a 'daddy's girl'. Eventually he had to tell her because she found a text message from me on his cell phone saying that he had to do it before a family event because I couldn't keep up with the charade anymore.

Nobody expected my DM to behave so rationally, she told me she wanted to give it another chance (under strict 'conditions' and financially everything is in the open end arranged) because she still loved him and wanted to keep her family together (I also have a younger DB).
She knows I support her whatever she decides although it would sometimes be easier if she hadn't decided to stay. I visit them regularly and we get allong but the trust is gone and I haven't talked about it with DF since august.
My mum was/is obviously devestated especially about the child because he has known for 6 years!!!, receives updates and pictures and recently the mother asked for (quiet a lot) of child support. Now they are in the process of doing a paternity test because my DM wants certainty.

To answer your last question I don't really know I guess like you said it's natural to want to settle down and maybe also a bit of peer pressure? I graduate this year and I'm starting a busy working life (in medecine) this summer so maybe it's a bit the fear that I won't have time or opportunity to meet the right guy...

VioletVenice Thu 03-Apr-14 00:06:54

Thanks Ananda, it does reassure me that I can just let this be for now and that it's not worth the energy.
I'm going to bed now but I'll be back tomorrow.

something2say Thu 03-Apr-14 21:55:00

Hey sweetheart, of course there is time to meet a guy. I am sorry for what you have discovered recently. My advice I guess would be to just let it all sink in and let the plates of life slide as they will. Keep on with your studies, leave the friend for a while and she'll come round. Everything will be sleight in time x you have had a shock. Take good care x and good luck with your career. Life is funny isn't it, how it turns out, what turns out to be true and what does not.

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