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How to get my head around access

(15 Posts)
Tescofinest Wed 02-Apr-14 23:11:56

I hope I don't get flamed, I'm just tryng to get my head around this big mess.

My dh has left dd and I. We had a row over the weekend, nothing major and he left. I'm in shock as I didn't think things were that bad to warrant one of us leaving.

He has done this before about three years ago for a week before dd was born. Had no contact , just silence. He turned up at work with a huge bunch of flowers

He has been In contact this week via email though to ask about dd. In a very civil, almost like he was talking to one of his employees way.

"I can understand your upset ..., it's understandable that your angry..ect we need to be civil.

The night before he left , he was telling me how much I was his world, he could never be with out me blsh blah .

I'm so confused, angry, shocked .

He wants to see dd, and I know he has a right too,but m so fuckng angry right now, why should he have his cake and be allowed to eat it. I'm doing all the slog and he expects a few hours where she is in a good mood.

I know I'm being pathetic and she would love to see him, but if he comes here I might hit him.

He is being so fuckng reasonable after tearing our family apart, I can't understand it.

I've been ignoring him all day and finally picked the phone up and hearing his calm sensible fucking voice made me want to throw up. I couldnt discuss him seeing dd.

I don't know how I'm going to get my head around this.

Lozislovely Wed 02-Apr-14 23:20:20

How old is DD? Could he wait outside for her rather than knocking on your door?

Tescofinest Wed 02-Apr-14 23:22:52

Dd is one. By the time dh finishes work she is in bed and the only other first thing in the morning or weekends

Lozislovely Thu 03-Apr-14 09:05:22

I know it's hard but you really have to put DD first.

When I split with XH I was jealous when they were spending more time with him, went through a paranoia phase if you like of thinking he was trying to take them away from me.

Your anger will subside in time.

Set up agreed contact times that suit both of you. When he picks DD up keep conversation short and sweet. You don't have to let him in the house, handover can be done at the front door.

You can be the bigger person in this if you want to!!

NotaDragonsEgg Thu 03-Apr-14 09:36:16

It gets easier, it really does. First time is the hardest.

Its not about him, its about what is best for dd. I find it helps to think like that.

Being businesslike is actually a good way to go. Negotiate what works for you and be calm and collected at handovers. Your dignity might be the last thing you can hold on to.

Plan something nice (bath, catch up with friend) for while she is away to recharge your batteries.

anklebitersmum Thu 03-Apr-14 09:45:35

Repeat like a mantra "I am doing this for DD" and smile your way through hand over and drop off.

If I were you I'd organise for Fri evening through until Sat post tea time or for Sat eve until Sunday post tea time. That way you can have a friend round/go to the pictures/scream blue bloody murder knowing you'll have time to re-compose yourself for his arrival.

I genuinely feel for you here Tescosfinest but if you can resist the temptation to whack him with the frying pan until he sees sense you'll be all the better for it.

aw11 Thu 03-Apr-14 09:59:54

"Being businesslike is actually a good way to go." exactly this. Try and keep feelings out of it as is you were talking to a collegue. The worst thing you can do is get upset and angry at handovers as it doesn't help anyone and most of all it'll upset your daughter. It'll be bloody hard, but try to emotionally detach for those five minutes or so.

It'll get easier in time. Good luck.

Pantone363 Thu 03-Apr-14 10:13:58

I promise it gets easier.

On Sunday ex is taking DC away for a week abroad to our old holiday home with his new girlfriend. I keep repeating it's good for the DC it's good for the DC. Plus he has no idea how much work it will be

Tescofinest Thu 03-Apr-14 10:14:39

I let hm call n this morning for a cuddle and I went upstairs and made the beds.

I just can understand how he thnks it's ok to just check out the relationship when things wasn't that bad. He has completely fucked us up.

The thought of split Christmas, birthdays all her mile stones makes me so fuckng upset, I don't think he realises what he has done or he does and didn't care.

Tescofinest Thu 03-Apr-14 10:15:06

Can't *

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 03-Apr-14 10:38:52

Don't just do chores think of it as free babysitting. Do something you can't usually do. Swimming, gym, coffee/lunch, friends, cinema, shopping.

What a bombshell. Presumably he got all his ducks in a row before walking out. And he'll project that Mr Reasonable image to your in-laws and mutual friends

Sorry OP. Grit your teeth and vent on MN.

anklebitersmum Thu 03-Apr-14 11:56:35

Oh gosh, it's so awful isn't it?

May I humbly suggest that you sort out some proper times for him to come and take Dd out sooner rather than later? The 'popping in' and being in your home for cuddles 'as and when' is really not a good way to go, especially when you are feeling so hurt and vulnerable.

Donki Thu 03-Apr-14 13:16:09

I'd vote for whacking him with a frying pan (ale creuset should make a satisfying thwack) until he sees sense...

But I suspect that is because I want to do it to MrDonki who is thinking of walking out on me and the YoungDonki (who had SN and can have violent meltdowns)

If I thought it would make them work better I would whack him until his brains rattled!

Tescofinest Thu 03-Apr-14 15:15:50

Thanks you lot.

donki the fact they even think they have a choice,is staggering!

Setting times and days is so final, << clinging on by finger tips >>

It's like everything was fake, not as solid as I thought/believed.

I've got the blinds drawn and hiding from MIL. Honestly, she will get the frying pan if sh starts!

anklebitersmum Thu 03-Apr-14 15:41:16

I know Tesco, and I more than get it sad
It's a kind of statement of reality for both sides though iyswim flowers

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