Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So disappointed .....

(20 Posts)
Prforone Wed 02-Apr-14 22:17:55

I think I know already that responses to this will be "Get a grip" but still .....

One of my dearest friend's is having a party to celebrate a big birthday in a couple of Saturdays' time. Me, my DD and my BF have been invited and can stay overnight. She lives a couple of hours' drive away these days and we don't get to see each other too often so was really excited to get this chance to go and see her.

My BF sees his DS (13) every Saturday. Party starts at 8 pm so realistically we'd need to leave at 6 pm latest. DD and I already have plans for the afternoon so couldn't leave much earlier than this anyway. But BF has said he won't go, on the basis he drops his DS off at 6.30 pm. I asked if maybe for once he could drop him off just half-hour earlier and he said no. So I suggested we just go once he's dropped DS off, but again got a no. His reasoning was that sometimes his ex-wife works late on a Saturday (and sometimes she just pisses him about on return times anyway). His ex-wife lives with her new partner, so I asked why he couldn't drop DS at home to the partner instead if ex-wife isn't there. Again, he said no.

Now I know in the great scheme of things, this isn't the end of the world, and DD and I WILL go to the party regardless. But it would have been nice for BF to come too. Our time together is quite limited anyway due to work commitments, time with our respective kids, etc., so opportunities to spend time together are precious. Would it really kill him to drop DS off either half-hour earlier than normal OR to his mum's partner rather than his mum? BF has taken the following week off work and has his DS staying with him the whole week, so it's not like he isn't going to see him again for ages.

hamptoncourt Wed 02-Apr-14 22:21:22

He doesn't want to go to the party and is using the DS drop off as an excuse.

RhondaJean Wed 02-Apr-14 22:29:23

Call his bluff. Tell him you will all go directly from dropping his DS off at 6.30 and see what happens.

cloudskitchen Wed 02-Apr-14 22:37:38

I agree with HamptonCourt. He doesn't want to go. He's using his ds as the reason.

OvertiredandConfused Wed 02-Apr-14 22:40:13

He doesn't want to go and, for some reason, doesn't want to tell you. Sorry.

RedRoom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:44:45

Yep, he doesn't want to drive for a couple of hours and stay overnight at your friend's house for her birthday. Why would be, if he hardly knows or sees her? Enjoy the time with her yourself. You don't have to go together.

Lovingfreedom Thu 03-Apr-14 11:49:40

Either he doesn't want to go or he doesn't want to have to ask his ex for a 'favour'. Don't worry about it just go to the party. You'll have a good chance to catch up with your old friend.

struggling100 Thu 03-Apr-14 11:53:12

Do you have separate cars? Is there a railway station nearby? Is there any way you and DD can head off, and he can join you later on in the evening?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 03-Apr-14 13:19:52

His mind is made up. I don't blame you for thinking it would be nice to go as a couple but for whatever reason he isn't keen, certainly if he says he's putting his DC first it is a hard one to argue with.

KiKiKiKi Thu 03-Apr-14 13:37:45

Does he even know your friend?

Prforone Thu 03-Apr-14 14:38:39

Yes, he does know my friend and they get along famously.

He could make the effort if he really wanted to, and clearly doesn't want to. Why else would he make a simple 30 minutes such an obstacle? Just smarts a bit because a year ago, this wouldn't have been an issue.

OneMoreChap Thu 03-Apr-14 15:02:47

My XW was simply bloody about pickup and drop off times and seeing "she just pisses him about on return times anyway" I'd not be too hard on him.

Why wouldn't it have mattered a year ago?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 03-Apr-14 15:15:32

Why wouldn't it have mattered a year ago?

I would just go without him.
Have a good time and get on with it.

Enjoy the party.

Prforone Thu 03-Apr-14 18:33:16

A year ago, he was more enthusiastic about seeing me!

mydoorisalwaysopen Thu 03-Apr-14 23:32:57

can't you arrive at the party at 8.30?

olathelawyer05 Thu 03-Apr-14 23:51:10

Why should he sacrifice the 30 mins or so with regard to his son? Why can't you sacrifice 30 mins of "party-time"? His son is his priority, not your mate's party. It's pointless - and also insidious - to speculate over possibly ulterior motives, when he has clearly got his priorities right.

Prforone Fri 04-Apr-14 09:08:23

Ola, just to clarify, I did suggest we'd wait 'til he dropped his DS off and leave later, but he still said no.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 04-Apr-14 09:11:58

"A year ago, he was more enthusiastic about seeing me!"

Yes, I find this happens a lot. Start pulling back and let him do a little bit of chasing. Find things to do with your DD that are fun but don't include him. Make him work a bit to see you!

TheCatThatSmiled Fri 04-Apr-14 09:13:43

OP has already suggested that they drop him off and go anyway (and talk about 'sacrificing' 30 mins is a bit precious)

Ok, unless he had OCD or hates turning up late with a passion, he just doesn't want to go. As everyone is entitled to.

The important thing is why? Dies he think his XW is going to mess him about? Does he not want to do the long drive and sleep overnight? Is he simply knackered and he wants a night off to watch TV in his undercrackers? Or, is he pulling away from you.

It could be a biggie, it may not be. The only way you will find out is if you get him to talk to you. Which he isn't doing. To be honest, is worry more about that than going to the party.

OneMoreChap Fri 04-Apr-14 13:01:46

Fair to add, that "No." is a complete sentence.
Your friend, your party, you go.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now