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Why can't I just let go

(5 Posts)
jorainbow45 Wed 02-Apr-14 21:45:47

I have been with my partner for 5 years and in this time I have lived with him and his son for 4 years but recently left and came back to my own home. I have supported him through issues with repossession and finance which are still on-going and an ex who hardly acknowledges me as the main carer for her son yet expects my partner to be there when she clicks her fingers (she has in the past phoned when we were in bed and he ended up talking to her for half an hour) She walks into his house without knocking and even comes in when we aren't there to pick up her son. When I met him he wasn't working (is self employed) as he had just finished converting the house he lives in but now works all the hours god sends even though he is constantly tired and doesn't need to. He once accused me of stealing money he had hidden in a bedding box which was eventually found in another hiding place. At the beginning of the relationship I made the mistake of being the 'saviour' in some ways sorting his bills etc out and looking after his son. Don't get me wrong there have been good times or it wouldn't have lasted this long however I never feel appreciated, everything we do is organised by me and he has never once said 'I love you' - apparently I should just know. I feel angry with myself for not having my voice heard and in a way this is why I left as I felt I needed to get back to being me. So what happened when I left - he didn't bother calling for three weeks - I decided to wait it out - and eventually only rang as he had lost the password for his bank. this led to an argument where he basically said he was too tired and needed to start dealing with his stuff and didn't have time for my demands. I feel used though he says I am being stupid and he will sort himself out. I said no way am I sitting around to be picked back up and of course he then accused me of going off with someone else. My question is why can't I just let go - it's as if I feel I need to be involved - maybe out of duty? Yet I have not been happy for months. Any thoughts would be most welcome.

TheLadyRadishes Wed 02-Apr-14 21:52:45

That is really bad treatment of you, and I think you can, and have let go in some very important ways. You've left, come back to your own home, and have not been bugging him – you've left him to it and he's shown he doesn't give a rat's ass.

I think it's hard where children are involved and that's where maybe you feel a sense of duty. But tough as it is, you can't stay in this non-relationship for that reason.

You say you're not happy – so think about what really does make you happy – whatever it is, whether you want to start a new hobby or return to an old one, visit friends, do a course, try dating or whatever. Focus on how to make yourself happy. You deserve so much more respect than what you've been getting from all this, and it is out there.

jorainbow45 Wed 02-Apr-14 22:38:58

Thanks I think you're spot on there. His son text me this week for help with a school matter and its then I start wondering is it me? Should I keep trying? But even I can see he doesn't make the effort though of course it's all my fault! I'm planning on doing some yoga classes again as a start. Many thanks

onetiredmummy Thu 03-Apr-14 11:14:00

Did the ex wife have a key or did she walk in through an unlocked front door?! Very odd!

Possibly you are feeling that you've invested so much time & money for 5 years that you shouldn't be giving up without a fight, kind of thing? Also the child may be partially responsible, you're worried about the DS or you feel bad for leaving him?

Sounds like its all about the DP tbh. In his mind he is more important than you & you should just put up with his shit & now you've left its given him even more stuff to sort out, poor him shitty you etc etc

You probably know this but if you have ever had joint finances, then separate them now.

Be proactive - go no contact with him, delete his number & get on rebuilding your life. If it took him 3 weeks to phone you then that's what he's doing. You don't need to be with a man who doesn't say he loves you & accuses you of being a thief & who minimises you. There will be other men, let this twat go brew

jorainbow45 Thu 03-Apr-14 17:45:45

Thankfully no joint finances and thank god I kept my own home - at one point I was considering not doing!!! His ex walks in when the door is open if she is picking her son up or the time she came a-cleaning he had his key. I will still help son out if he wants he knows that ( he's 16 ) but for now I am doing as suggested concentrating on me and letting the twat go!!! this is my new mantra - thanks for making me smile smile

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