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heartbroken and unsure what to do.

(33 Posts)
sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:13:28

Hi everyone I'm new to mumsnet and have signed up because I need a advice and a good head wobble about recent events.

Saturday 29th of March. I’m woke up to be told that my husband of 4 years would like to separate and has fallen for my fiend. Those words are etched in my mind forever. I’d like to say we’d been drifting apart for a while but that’s not true we were happy up until 2 weeks earlier when he spent a couple of nights away from our home saying that he wasn't happy. After those 2 days he said he would like to work through it. He wasn't able to tell me why he wasn't happy at the time so it was all a bit of a mystery and I thought it would blow over.

Anyway Saturday came and the bombshell hit. As hard as it is to believe; nothing sexual had taken place between them before that day and in his mind he need to separate from me before it could.

I’m lucky not to need him financially have a good job so in a better position than most. I’m fairly young ish and confident that if I wanted to I could find happiness again or a bit of fun if that’s what I wanted. As it stands i’m still in a state of shock and can not believe this has happened. Friends think it was an April fools….I only wish it was.

Fast forward to today (day 5) and reality has hit. He has lost his job, most of his friends (her partner was one of his best friends) and he is living with family. He’s apparently broke all contact with her and wants nothing more to do with her…I guess now the deed has been done its no longer exciting, He is not begging me to take him back and instead saying things like “I’ve fucked things up” “you deserve so much better” “I don’t blame you for wanting to move on” “I love you so much and cant believe what I’ve done” which all feels like emotional blackmail. I get it, your remorseful and regretting your actions…NO SHIT!

I have good friends around me with all sorts of similar advice. I don’t trust my own head which is so up and down but normal I guess which is why I decided to blog instead.

Background info:

12 years together nearly 5 years married.
teenage and young children
first time betrayal of that i’m 100% certain. Up until now he has never been that type.
I still love him or who he used to be at least
I believe marriage is important and should not been thrown away without knowing you did everything you could. I don’t believe in staying together for the children…no matter how hard it is for them now we would end up resenting each other.

If anyone is reading this and has some advice especially if you have been through something similar I’d love to hear from you.

The above is from a blog I've wrote earlier

AbraStone Wed 02-Apr-14 16:15:54

Tell him to fuck off.

Jan45 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:19:47

You don't know 100% it's the first time he's betrayed you, you can't possibly and if I could count the amount of OPs that start with it's so out of character, blah, blah, sorry but I've heard it a million times.

I would also dispute:

1. He was the one who broke off the contact/probably the OW and now he's full of self pity and remorse.

2. They hadn't yet had sex, yeah, right.

3. He loves you so much yet has shat on you, your friend and his friend from an extremely high height.

Sorry, I know all that sounds harsh but the truth is hard sometimes, whatever you decided to do, take your time, do not take him back until you are 100% sure you actually want him.

Melonade Wed 02-Apr-14 16:21:08

Why has he lost his job and why has he dumped her? Or did she dump him?

Phalenopsis Wed 02-Apr-14 16:27:07

As hard as it is to believe; nothing sexual had taken place between them

Yes it is hard to believe and I don't.

I'd be going no contact. You don't need him using you as a sounding board - "you deserve better", "I've fucked up." Ask him to give you space. If he really gives a shit about you then he'll do as you ask and you'll have some time to come to terms with what has happened and decide on a way forward either alone or apart. (Personally, I'd be stringing him up by the ankles and horse whipping him but there we are.)

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:27:11

My 8 year old has just come back from school asking when daddy is coming home. Its so bloody hard seeing them suffer, I hate him for what he's done but also miss him at the same time.

Re the no sex thing before Saturday, emails and messages I've seen confirm this and he told me this morning that they did it on Sunday :-( As soon as he did he realized it was a mistake and he didn't want to lie to me.

I'm staying strong and giving myself time for now!

thanks for you comments x

Phalenopsis Wed 02-Apr-14 16:27:59

alone or together I meant.

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:29:58

He worked for my brothers business and I asked him to give my friend the admin job in January to help her funny is that!

There both jobless now!

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:39:36

Melonade Wed 02-Apr-14 16:21:08
Why has he lost his job and why has he dumped her? Or did she dump him?

As soon as it was no longer a thrill, naughty or exciting and they did the deed on (Sunday) he said he realized he didn't want to be with her and what a mistake he made. We have mutual friends so from what I know he did the dumping. They weren't going out but there plans were very much to be a couple once he left me. So lots of flirty texts and emails until Sunday.

I have told him to leave me alone and unlike the other injured party who can just cut her off we have kids together which just makes it harder.

Jan45 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:40:57

And you believe you've seen all the emails and messages, get real seriously.

He told you he wanted to separate and was in love with your friend, within five days of that he's had a complete turnaround = she's dumped him.

How long have they been emotionally involved then and why has he lost his job, did you get your brother to sack him? More like he left the job, so did she, she's had a change of heart and now he's telling you that you deserve better, he didn't say that when you woke up to be told he was offski with her though eh.

I'm afraid in a situation like this, nothing he says now can be construed as being truthful.

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:59:55

They both got sacked for not doing there jobs properly and did not leave. Obviously what happened caused my brother to look into their work and there was good grounds for dismissal. She was still in her probation period.

From someone who is close to her i'm told she is upset he wont take her calls.

They have been emotionally involved for 4-5 weeks according to the emails they sent in work time.

I'm not stupid and wont believe what he says unless I have proof (or information at least).

Thetallesttower Wed 02-Apr-14 17:04:43

I don't think whatever you do things can go back to the way they were, you've lost a friend and the image of your husband as a decent chap. I think it extremely unlikely he had sex once then decided this person wasn't for him- and if that is the case, what does that say about him as a person? I'd be utterly devastated as he was saying he is in love with your friend, not a stupid mistake, and I would bet he still is even if he doesn't want to lose you, that or he's entirely led by his anatomy!

I couldn't come back from this, some situations I could, but I would not fight for a complete idiot like this, because he's not a prize, he's a booby prize.

Give yourself time, I would make him leave for now and see how you feel.

You've got to ask yourself why he told you at that time point- was it just to get his leg over? I also wonder why he's changed his mind now, perhaps she doesn't want to be with him rather than the other way around?

If you take him back, my bet is that he does keep in touch with her as their drama doesn't seem over.

Sorry you are going through this, it must have been a terrible shock.

Jan45 Wed 02-Apr-14 17:28:36

His story just does not add up - at all.

OP, stay strong, surround yourself with support, personally I couldn't come back from this but we're all different, you have to, at the very least, keep him at arms length and don't just let him waltz back into his comfy lifestyle with you.

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 17:38:20

It's certainly bizarre and never made sense from the start. He says he just got carried away with the attention and excitement but I know it was obviously more than that.

yourehavingalaugh Wed 02-Apr-14 17:41:34

So he called off his marriage with you so he could have sex with her. Then he did and he/she didn't like it (makes you wonder what happened there.) Now he is wracked with guilt and he deserves to be. Stay strong op.

Jan45 Wed 02-Apr-14 17:43:33

I find it really hard to believe that he ended his marriage with you when he had only been with her for five weeks, hadn't had sex, or at least only the once and now has decided it's all over......he has and is still lying OP.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 02-Apr-14 17:49:40

I'm glad your brother sacked them.

I wouldn't let him back in a million years.

LavenderGreen14 Wed 02-Apr-14 17:59:43

even if he is telling the truth, how flipping grim is it that he told you when they had sex.

I agree, go no contact and get rid - you deserve so much more. Does her husband know what she has done too?

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 18:34:30

He said he had to tell me and didn't want to lie. Before I found that out I was 80% certain we could work through it.

Her boyfriend does know. There were coming to the end anyway - She hadn't been happy for a while and had cheated on him not so long ago that he hadn't got over so he's actually relieved. He's more upset with my husband because they were very good friends.

We were all suppose to go away together with another couple in a few weeks so everything is just fucked up and ruined for what??

I'm having no contact and dealing with his family regarding access to the kids. So sad!

magoria Wed 02-Apr-14 18:46:29

You are spot on. It is emotional blackmail.

He is appealing to the part of you that doesn't want the ones you love to hurt so you will go there there and kiss it better.

He is right.

You deserve way better than a man happy to mess around on work time and betray his wife and best mate.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 02-Apr-14 18:52:41

Sorry, just to make sure I understood this correctly... He took the "new car" on a test drive, and has decided he'd rather have his "old car" still?

What a prat. He had to tell you and didn't want to lie?? But apparently cheating is okay, in his "world."

Twattergy Wed 02-Apr-14 18:54:57

I think the fair and natural consequence of what he's done would be for you to tell him to fuck off.
Anything less would be an invitation for him to do the same again. finishing a relationship and then trying to wheedle your way back in is a far worse crime in my book than just finishing it for good. At least there's an honesty in that.

sillysally1977 Wed 02-Apr-14 19:04:00

He hasn't said this but i know he'll be thinking that technically it wasn't cheating as he broke up our marriage the day before.

It reminds me of the whole "we were on a break" story line in friends but no where near as funny

He was and is a fucking fool. He was played like a fiddle as she was looking for a way out of her relationship and told me this often. I haven't even started talking about her betrayal.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 02-Apr-14 19:09:58

The "break" storyline on Friends did not involve a married couple. You can't just put your marriage on a shelf for the weekend so you can try out a new fuck buddy and see if you like her better. hmm Apparently your DH hasn't figured that one out yet.

While she is your friend, and I imagine the loss and betrayal hurts as well, it could have been ANY woman. It just unfortunately was your friend as well. She's not the real problem here. He is.

Don't be fooled by pushing the blame off on her. He is responsible for his infidelity. Nobody else.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Apr-14 19:23:33

What Alice said

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