Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Partner's Affair - how much detail do you know?

(18 Posts)
FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 15:07:44

Title says it all really...just wondering, if your partner has had an affair, when did you stop digging for more information? What level of detail were you satisfied with. 6 months on, I want to leave it alone...I probably know enough, but feel I want to know more and I don't know why I would torture myself. As much of it was conducted on 'instant messaging' there is not a lot of hard evidence; I've seen a couple of emails/Skype chats...but given that they were in contact very regularly for a year, I just cannot imagine what they would find to 'talk' about.
Also, stuff like sex...I know that they slept together 'a few' times (at various work conferences abroad). That's it, that's all I know...

Just wondered how others deal with the endless questions/gaps in the history...or if I know all I need to.

Thanks.

LizLemonOut Wed 02-Apr-14 15:13:50

I would think you'd need to move on, if you are going to stay in the relationship. Have you had any counsellling, either together or just you?

FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 15:24:43

Thank Liz..yes, I am going to have some counselling alone initially. We have made a lot of progress, and ironically, our relationship has been very good recently. We have talked a lot, and he has answered every question I've asked of him...often the same thing over and over, which I believe is a natural part of 'acceptance'.

The think I'm really interested to know though, is back to my original question, of how much detail do those with the same experience have?

AuroraSim Wed 02-Apr-14 15:39:10

I wanted to know everything when I found about my ex. Facebook, and emails were checked. Questions asked over and over. I wanted to know how many times, even where. And when.

Eventually it fell apart because I couldn't leave it be.

Good luck x

AnonyMuse Wed 02-Apr-14 15:45:11

Hello Foxy, I remember your previous threads.

It seems to me that people fall into 2 camps, those who would rather not know more than the basic details and those who feel they need to know a great deal more to move on. I'm definitely in the latter camp - the "wondering" would have been torture. For 2 months post discovery (the affair had just ended when I found out) I asked DH every question I could think of and he answered honestly and in as much detail as I sought. I know his answers were honest because about a month after discovery I contacted the OW, whom I had previously only met once. I sent her a stinking email, to which she replied apologetically and self-effacingly and offering to answer any questions I cared to ask. So I asked her a lot of questions too and her answers tallied with his.

As painful as the whole investigative phase was, it was also strangely compulsive. After a while I concluded that I probably knew enough and it was beginning to feel drama-lamaish and undignified to continue asking. Three and a half months from D-day the odd question still occurs to me from time to time, but only if I feel its important will I ask DH.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 02-Apr-14 15:48:28

I just wanted to know 'why'?
But he never really knew why so I never got my answer.
He cheated on me, he hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before. The one person I loved and trusted - I could never see him the same way again. I tried but it was the end for me.

I never wanted to know details to be honest.
Always thought I wanted to meet her before my DD did but in reality, it would have achieved nothing but angst and heartache for me so I didn't even bother with that.

I don't know how you move on and stop asking the questions.

FolkGirl Wed 02-Apr-14 15:54:04

I didn't want to know much really. I just kicked him out and became a lot happier as a result.

FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 15:59:39

Thanks everyone for answering...it's no more than a 'what's the norm' sort of question. But I realise there is no 'norm' really.

FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 16:00:12

...sorry, more of a 'what's the norm'!

FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 16:01:04

Anony..yes, I remember you too. Hope things are working out well for you smile

mummyOF4darlings Wed 02-Apr-14 16:03:50

I dont know in my personal experience i couldnr bare to hear any details or know anything about them together at all it just sickened me. think you should just try your best not to dwell on it easier said than done but try not let it get inside your head more than it needs to be

AnonyMuse Wed 02-Apr-14 16:25:32

Foxy - yes, not bad thanks. In fact remarkably well, all things considered. How about with you?

We are now focussing much more on why and how DH gave himself permission to start the affair. He's taken a long hard look at the person he'd become by the time he embarked on it and doesn't like what he sees one little bit. He's really trying very hard, and I am appreciating it so at the moment we're in a virtuous circle. I recognise we're not out of the woods yet though.

I wonder if those who don't want to know tend to be the ones who LTB, while those who want the detail tend to be those who try again.

FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 16:46:59

Anon...Good, I'm glad things are going well for you. We are similar to be honest...and DH has been remorseful, and resourceful in trying to prove he is sorry, and still wants to be with me. Also appreciate, not out of woods yet, but hoping we end up with a stronger, more open and honest relationship in the long term. It has been a hard and long 6 months, but I feel we are getting there.

Yes, I wonder about your theory...I kept digging for info, as it sort of helped me process what/how/why it happened. I think I am ready to stop though...at first I wanted him to recount every conversation/meeting, etc...now I'm not interested, I guess a lot of it would've been boring bollocks anyway!!!

ormirian Wed 02-Apr-14 17:00:31

6 months was about the time I stopped asking. I was able to stop the question on the tip of my tongue and just leave it.... not for his benefit, just for my own.

FolkGirl Wed 02-Apr-14 17:10:46

You could well have a point Anon. To me, it wasn't really relevant. I wouldn't have tried again, it's a deal breaker for me. I kicked him out and that made me feel better. Living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and hearing the sordid details would have disgusted me, tbh.

FoxyTerrier Wed 02-Apr-14 17:11:27

Orm..thank you. I feel that's probably where I'm at now. A month or so ago, I started writing down questions as I thought of them, and then asking in more structured way (just so it didn't eat into absolutely every conversation that we had). But I do find myself 'leaving it' 'cos I'm just tired of wondering now.

Thanks for replies.

Sleepinmummy Wed 02-Apr-14 19:42:06

In my case on discovery my ex fed me bullshit on his affair. I wanted to believe it as it was the easy option, but as time went by and my suspicions grew my detective skills uncovered a lot more. I knew then that we couldn't make it work as he couldn't be honest with me. He also got very angry with me when I enquirer. The fact that he's being as open as you require are very good signs. Counselling is great too, but make sure you choose one that has experience with affairs otherwise you will have problems!

AnonyMuse Wed 02-Apr-14 19:53:48

I guess there's probably no "normal", so much depends on the personalities involved and the circumstances. But if the marriage is to survive there must come a time when everyone tries to move on and the questions have to stop (it can't be healthy to dwell on the details beyond a certain point, or to continue using them as a stick to punish the wayward husband).

Foxy - I've PM'd you...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now