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DH leaving for another country / Separation? (long)

(10 Posts)
penpaper Wed 02-Apr-14 15:01:10

Hi! I've never done this before, not sure how it works but I am desparate from some insight and opinions. Thoughts are whirling around in my mind and they're not getting any traction anymore.

DH and I are in total collapse and I feel I'm in freefall. For 9 months now I have been waiting for DH to make his decision: stay in this country with me and the kids or move back home alone. In the beginning I asked every day whether or not he knew what he was doing or not. He was pretty cold and non/committal. After 3 months of this I gave up asking and am still waiting and I am becoming a shadow of who I used to be.

DH and I are living with our two kids (both under 8), together. We moved here a while ago and decided to make a go of it. I'm from here, obviously speak the language. DH does not, he's made half-attempts at learning the language...but still doesn't speak enough to be able to converse problem-free with the kids' friends, for example. He misses and has missed so much of the stuff the kids have said over the years. We have communication issues, I'm very expressive, he is not. In September he came home and announced that he was likely losing his job. Instead of trying like mad to find something here he started talking about leaving me and the kids to go back to his old job in his home country (a job he loves etc etc etc ). His CV was requested by an employer here, he didn\t even both to hand it over. Almost two months ago it was confirmed: he was being made redundant. He\s tried, in my opinion half-heartadly to find other work. I think he wants to leave and has set things up in such a way that this will be the only choice. I've tol him I dont care what work he does, the kids dont care, I've asked him to stay. To no avail.

I am at my witt's end. I can\t plan anything, I feel completely brushed aside and my heart breaks for the kids. I have begged and pleaded for information from him, so that at least I can start planning single mumihood while balancing a full time job. Nothing happens. I\ve asked for him to draw up a list of how he will meet his oblligations from afar. That took 6 months and even then it was incomplete and mostly stuff that I had said as an example (calls, on skype, holidays etc etc).

What also irks me and causes me much pain is that I left a career that I loved about 9 years ago to start a life with him abroad. I thought I could do both...but during that 9 year period we had two kids and that's been amazing and consuming smile I only started working fulltime again 2 years ago. It was supposed to be my turn now to work with something that I love. But I would never ever ever ever consider leaving the kids to go live in another country.

When he started talking about moving initially I told him I couldn't carry on, I wanted to separate. That was ages ago. I'm incredibly unhappy, but had hoped that he would stay, fight for us, be with the kids. And even if not with me that he would be a proper father for his kids by being at least in the same country as them. I'ts so so sad and the kids love their father. He says he wants to work things out. But he\s not willing to stay in the same country to do this.

I second guess myself all the time, what could I have done differently, am I missing something? Is my anger, hurt, justified? What would you all do?

There's my ramble sad.

DemonsInMyHead Wed 02-Apr-14 15:05:36

Is you moving back to his country with him not an option? I can kind of see where he's coming from if he's finding it that difficult - it must be incredibly isolating for him. I'm not judging you, but is that not something you would consider if you don't want to split up?

ravenmum Wed 02-Apr-14 15:11:45

My guess is that he might see things differently once he is back at home. I live away from my home country and it can be very hard. I speak the language now, but when you can't it's easy to get paranoid (everyone is against me) and feel ridiculously limited by your inability simply to say what you think in a way that those around you will understand. Short trips to the home country are holidays, so everything feels great, then you have to return to the drudge again in the foreign country. You see the home country through rose-tinted spectacles and imagine that all the problems you have every day would simply vanish if you were back there as you could just say and do what comes naturally to you instead of having to double-think everything.

I'm now in the position where I will probably split up with my husband and I can understand the urge to go home even if it means leaving your children. It sounds horrible, I know, but I have missed my family and country for so long, and now would be stuck in this country without even a partner to support me. I don't want to meet another local as that would mean I was stuck here even after the kids are older. It's not a nice situation to be in. Personally I'm trying to stay here with the kids, but it is a situation of complete despair. Your husband might be acting out of a similar hopelessness.

penpaper Wed 02-Apr-14 15:25:46

Hi, thanks for the replies already - that was very quick & I\m grateful smile Yes, moving is an a way...but not really. Where he comes from is incredibly expensive and we would be hard pressed (impossible) to make it on one salary. I also, perhaps selfishly, don't want to be unemployed again. I did it for 9 years and it doesn\t feel ok to do it again. And I'm afraid that we will split up there and I will be stuck there. He also isn't pushing for us to go with him. He doesn't say it, he doesn't pitch it. We went to a counsellor who asked 'maybe the kids would go with DH? there's nothing to say that they should stay here if you agree on something else'....but he said no, that would not be a good idea. I think he wants to focus on work. I can understand he feels hopelessness here...but if we'd been strong we could have done anything together. I would have moved anywhere or we could have stayed, but we are pretty broken. He\s been through a hard time here, some of it his own making, some not. He hardly speaks to me, takes no initiative. Ugh. Sorry, now I just feel like a bad person. There doesn't seem to be any real answer. I guess while I can understand that he feels lost here, I dont think I could ever get over him chosing a job over the kids.

ravenmum Wed 02-Apr-14 15:28:18

Lack of communication and being left hanging on a string is horrible, though; I'm in the same position. Waiting for months for husband to decide what he wants to do, as if I am his servant not his wife. No recognition that the situation might be at all stressful for me. Can't give you any advice on that but yes, it is foul and of course! your anger is justified.

EirikurNoromaour Wed 02-Apr-14 15:33:08

My XH was in his position although he did speak the language. He wasn't very employable in anything other than NMW zero hours work and found it very depressing.
He never made the full break but now spends 1/3 -1/2 of the year in his home country. He takes DS with him for parts of this time and he's now self employed so can work when he's here.
It took us a long time to get to this point where it works for all three of us. I don't think any of us have things 100% how we would like but it's compromise.
In your position I would be setting a time limit for him to make a decision then sticking to it. Do be prepared though that he may not stay. Living in a country you don't call home is very isolating.

HerRoyalNotness Wed 02-Apr-14 15:35:51

I don't have much to say, but one thing I would do, is start making your plans as if he has already gone. He has detached from your family life, and is not making any attempts to rectify the situation. Why should you not plan for your and your DC future while he stuffs you around?

MistressDeeCee Wed 02-Apr-14 15:56:23

This is so utterly selfish. We all have to do things we don't like in life at times and most of us make the best of it. Why make a life/family in another country, and then have some starry eyed notion of returning home? What, just like that? No consideration for anyone else? Responsibilities are meaningless then...just get up and go to the land of the 'get out clause'. This is terrible to have to live with. I agree with HerRoyal..make plans as if he has already gone. Then when he does go off to the land of milk and honey where all will be fine for him, at least it may soften the blow just a little bit. The audacity and callousness of thought for his DCs, even. Is he going off to make a life with someone else there, then? Don't let him hang around dithering, either. Do the best you can for you & DCs. After all he isn't doing that now and nor is he going to.

penpaper Fri 04-Apr-14 09:00:56

Thanks everyone for these quick and straight-talking and helpfull replies. They do help, it's confirmation of some sort. The country we're living in isn't my home country, either. One of my parents is from here, we came here in the summer etc, so I'm sort of from here but not really. Him leaving me here to deal with it all on my own is also him leaving me in a place with no real support network (loads of extended family, childhood friends etc). A couple of days ago he was asked in for an interview for a job here and he didn't go...he could have moved his plans around and gone for the interview, but instead he prioritised a weekend with friends (which I understand, he needs it, but,,,) and had a phone interview with them instead. And he told me about it and added 'but it would involve a lot of travelling'...talking himself out of it. A part of my (bigger than I'm comfortable with) wants to separate from him, I'm so hurt and angry. But he tells me he won't know until August for sure if he's moving or not ('probably moving'), I can't make any plans. The kids are already moving to a new apartment, starting new schools (within the same city). Separating now would just be more change for them. But the tension at home is horrible. I told him yesterday morning that I find what he's doing horrible, that leaving me hanging is horrible. He said 'I'm trying'. I said 'no you're not. You should just stay.' He went quiet and then went to go get the kids....sort of hising behind them instead of speaking with me. My heart is suffocating. my son told me yesterday not to get angry at daddy because 'daddy is a fragile man'. I told my son that people deal with sadness and anger in different ways, that daddy is ok, that mummy is ok, not to worry about us etc. But ajhdskajhfd this is going on for so long, feel so bad for the kids. I'm rambling but I feel I can be honest here and so maybe more comes out that usual smile. Thanks again people, you are great support I hope I can be, too.

Bonsoir Fri 04-Apr-14 09:06:05

I think you need to make separate analyses:

- the state of the relationship between you and your DH
- the cultural and linguistic fit of each of you with the place you reside in

Both of these are causing heartache but they are separate issues and your OP is conflating them.

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