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Help me see this is for the best...

(9 Posts)
pinkbear82 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:38:48

I know in time I will see it is, and will get the strength I need but right now the breakdown of my relationship is tearing me apart.

I overlooked a lot of things I shouldn't have. I fought to make things right and keep him happy. My dd is only 10 months old and she deserves better, but he is her dad.

Right now my world is upside down and inside out. I know he has treated me like shit, shown little respect and a million other things, but I love him. I maybe hate him right now for putting us through this, but you know what I mean.

So come tell me all the bits I have to look forward too, the things I haven't even considered yet. The tips for keeping strong.
thanks For everyone who has ever gone through this, it is the most horrid pain ever.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 02-Apr-14 09:48:42


I don't know if you remember me but you commented on a thread of mine and PM'd me.

I've veen split up with DS' father for a couple of weeks now. The shock and immediate pain does wear off.

Is he still living with you?


HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 02-Apr-14 09:49:00


pinkbear82 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:51:48

I remember happy. I came away to my parents for some space. I'll need to go back to get things, as in his wisdom he has handed the notice in on the house. So a move on the cards too.

It feels like right now this awful heartbreak won't ever fade. So much to sort as well. Contact etc. if only I could truly walk away and not have to be reminded.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 02-Apr-14 10:52:38

I don't know the circumstances pink but no matter how much you still feel for this man your love alone isn't enough. At the very least you deserved back from him what you put into the relationship.

Liars need good memories. If he has been untruthful or lies by omission, this is no basis on which to build a future where you have to stay sharp and second guess everything. In time if you stayed together you would lose all respect for him.

If he has indulged in an emotional or physical affair, where was he mentally or physically as you brought up your little DD? Just when you needed his total support.

If he shirked a share of childcare or housework, if he still spent money like a single guy on himself, could you see yourself endlessly making allowances? Trying to overlook the glaring discrepancy between the person you thought he was and the person he turned out to be would see you doubting your own judgment and losing confidence.

Did he spend hours grumbling about how tired he was or how your social or sex life had suffered, well no shit Sherlock a baby signals change! An unwilling partner is a dead weight.

He is still your DD's dad and if he is interested in staying on in that role then yes the hurt will sting until you can detach. But if he isn't partner material then please think of yourself and don't yoyo between hope and despair.

Glad you have your parents as back up.

pinkbear82 Wed 02-Apr-14 11:15:52

Wow Donkey, you have summed him up pretty damn well. All of those things, and one extra, getting sent to prison and missing the birth of dd. And yet I still stuck around.

I am so better off without him, and just bloody wish it was him having to deal with sorting it all out, not swanning around as he probably is, and no doubt with one or two to comfort him and make him feel better about it.

I should have trusted how I felt long before dd was even considered, but as with so many utter knobs they can talk the talk and stupidly I listened.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 02-Apr-14 12:06:35

I must read the Relationship threads too often. Your story is unique to you and you work through this at your own pace. flowers.

A newborn brings a massive shift to a relationship. You and he may have drifted apart over a long period. There needn't have been one big shock event but a sequence of disappointments. Part of you will puzzle over how things deteriorated. Yes you may still feel a pang, love doesn't wither away overnight. Your ex doesn't have to be a monster just an average joe who like many humans is flawed. Over time, telling outsiders where you are and how you came to be a single parent will flow more fluently. If tears fall, they can be healing.

Him missing DD's birth for whatever reason must have been tough on you. You may have surprised yourself by your resilience and strength. It is not weakness to acknowledge a struggle nor ask for help be it practical, medical, emotional.

pinkbear82 Wed 02-Apr-14 12:44:25

You know one of the most frustrating things, he had children from a previous relationship. He knew how hard and what sort of things to expect. I of course understand now that he blamed their mother for the breakdown of that relationship. Now I just see he can't deal with responsibility and walks away.

He created the downfall of us, he wanted me to make it easy for him, I refused to be the one that threw it away. That choice was another he made.

I need to remember these points, not the dreamed up promises. I need to remember there is a life after this, and it is now my choice what I do with it.

If only I could feel as strong as my words

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 02-Apr-14 18:31:31

There is a life after this.

What made me finally cut the cord was a question I asked myself. 'Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life?' The answer was no.

I wasn't prepared to constantly be worrying about where he was going or what he was doing on his phone. It's unhealthy.

And now I don't think about who he is with or who he is texting.

Focus on how free you will be.

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