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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

just wanted to say a thankyou

(11 Posts)
justalilmummy Tue 01-Apr-14 21:47:42

I'm not sure if anybody remembers my thread a while back (proberly not!) about social services becoming involved in my life due to partners mental health and my anger towards it, just wanted to say thankyou really and also write down to help me make sense of my thoughts

Things have improved greatly partner is in therapy and although hes still very depressed hes beginning to get the help he so desperately needs.

I had a review of the child protection plan and while the kids are still on it but this is due to the fact that although positive changes arw happening not enough time has passed

I was asked to attend the freedom programme. At first I felt stupid being there I'm not a domestic violence victim but this week I'm so confused.
Went there yesterday and it's like a light bulb has gone off, well it's switched on but only very dull, I'm still confused.
Throughout the week's theres been little things said today that I thought hmm thats my partner but still not enough.
But today I dunno how to put it in words but I realise that something in our relationship is seriously not right.
Everything is about him, ive got social services harrassing me coz of him, he quit hes job so ive got no money coz of him, I'm financially and solely caring for our kids all by myself, and yet it's still all about him him him, what about me? What about our kids? I know hes I'll but I'm getting fucking pissed off with hes damn excuses and the way he is and since starting this programme I'm getting more and more irritated and starting ti see it how everyone else does.

Part of me feels guilty for getting so angry as hes not well he cant help it, but at thensame time why just why? Why do I have to put up with it?
Something they said hit home to me, how they only behave like this towards their partner but not me. I just thought he was putting on a front for other people, but now I think is he really??
Also how we become so used to being treated badly we minimise is as a way of coping but dont even know we are doing it!

Anywho enough ramblings, I just wanted to say thankyou to anyone who may remember me and helped, if it wasnt for u lot I would still be fighting with the social worker, which I now realise is helping noone.
Very confused as to how I feel atm but still things are looking up, so again thanks

rumred Tue 01-Apr-14 21:53:08

I remember. youre making great strides, you should be well pleased with yourself. its a process, coming to terms with things, and youre on your way with it all. good for you

whitsernam Tue 01-Apr-14 21:55:58

I think I remember you - I didn't post at the time, but I do know the people who answer on here really do have your back. Many of us have been in tough situations ourselves, and I for one am just sooooo happy to see you figuring this out and getting help for yourself and your children. Applause!

I know it is not easy, or simple, but if you hang in there and keep learning and working this out you will be so much more confident later, and so proud of your children's progress. And any time you need a boost, Mumsnet people will support you. They are the best.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 01-Apr-14 22:00:48

I remember. Well done lovely xx

justalilmummy Tue 01-Apr-14 22:15:15

Aww people remember didnt think that was gonna happen!

m all tangled up in my head atm and cant really put into words but something really has hit home today, usually other women tell story's that are shocking and upsetting, but this week there was no stories but I felt very upset but I couldn't put my finger on why

Still cant really but I feel different somehow like things are still hugely muddled but clearer
I dont really know what I'm trying to say!!

justalilmummy Tue 01-Apr-14 22:21:39

Aww people remember didnt think that was gonna happen!

m all tangled up in my head atm and cant really put into words but something really has hit home today, usually other women tell story's that are shocking and upsetting, but this week there was no stories but I felt very upset but I couldn't put my finger on why

Still cant really but I feel different somehow like things are still hugely muddled but clearer
I dont really know what I'm trying to say!!

justalilmummy Tue 01-Apr-14 22:22:01

Oops sorry posted twice!

PiratesLifeForMe Tue 01-Apr-14 22:28:27

Yes, I remember you too. No particularly helpful advice here I'm afraid, just wanted to say its good to hear from you and it's good to see you are on your way.

It seems a really confusing time but it really does sound like things are becoming clearer to you which can only be good thing.

Offred Wed 02-Apr-14 09:24:08

I remember too. I think you are a victim of domestic abuse and it will help you to come to terms with that. The freedom programme will certainly help.

It is good that he is getting help with his mental health issues again but you need to stop thinking 'he's ill he can't help treating me badly'. Abusers come in many forms, I believe your p is an abuser who also happens to have mental health problems. He's not to be let off because he also happens to have an illness.

4free Wed 02-Apr-14 09:41:15

hi, i understand how you feel. i was with my ex 16 yrs, 3 dcs, we seperated 3 months ago. he has MH issues, serious ones. 12 months ago i woke up, i woke up to the fact that EVERYTHING was/is about him, iv done all i can to help him, gps, psychiatrists, cahms, ss, i have given and given and given, and its still wasnt enough, i had nothing left to give him. i realised he was abusing me, gaslighting me, manipulating me, in the past i always excused his behaviour because of the MH, but i realised..once i discoved MN...that he doesnt treat ANYONE the way he treats me, he is able to control himself for others so why not me? because he felt ENTITLED to treat me like crap, to talk/scream/shout abuse at me because that (in his mind) is what i was there for. well i coudnt take it anymore, he started verbal abusing me in front of the kids , that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
sometimes the only option left is to walk away, as heartbreaking as it is, i had to put my sanity and happiness first, for the sake of the kids, because as much as i wanted to keep the family together, the family dynamic was doing more damage than good.
3 months on, and im much happier, the kids are much happier, the house has lost that constant tension, we're more relaxed. he is coping quite well in his flat, still blames me for everything but i can live with that.

4free Wed 02-Apr-14 09:49:26

and yes i was angry and resentful about the MH, its a hard thing to deal with, especially as in my experience there was no help or support offered to me, i found the crisis teams, cahms, and sw no help to me at all, help for him yes, but nobody asked how i was dealing with it, i was expected to be his carer, counsellor, therapist and verbal punchbag and just get on with it. there really does need to be more help offered to those living with it imo.

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