Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He confusing me so much (long)

(16 Posts)
hollowmind Tue 01-Apr-14 21:41:11

I'm sorry this is going to be long one and thanks to anyone that reads it.

Background: I'm 25 and he is 28 been together just shy 4 years and lived together 18 months we have no kids but had discussed them and same with marriage but not engaged both in full time jobs but long hours.

Ill start with our jobs i work early morning until late afternoon and he works early evening to early morning which means I see him for 20 mins in the morning and up to 3 and 1/2 hours in the evening but get the whole weekend together and depending what time he wakes on Friday we get almost all of Friday evening together.

This has worked out well in a way as i make him breakfast (his dinner) for when he gets home. I go to work and he sleeps, has man time (video games and catching up on TV series and films) I get home cook dinner (his breakfast) wake him up if he is still sleeping and then he goes to work and i have the evening to do stuff like clean the flat (i enjoy doing this alone as i can be picky) and catching up on my tv shows and films.

Both our jobs are stressful and both can lead to 12 hour days i love mine but he hates his and is looking for a new one but is hard as it is well paid.

Next is our relationship before the breakup.
We have always spent lots of time together from the start of the relationship which i know isn't very good but it worked for us.
We broke up around 2 years ago after he worked away for almost 3 months in that time he would come and visit me on weekends if he had them off and it was fine but then his work took away his holiday at short notice which resulted in our long weekend away (nothing special just a caravan holiday) being turned into 1 night and half a day and he got upset about not doing the stuff we had planned that summer (seaside, theme park and day trip to London).

We broke up for a week after that as he said he felt guilty about not being there for me and it turned out he had been offered a job 80 miles away and didn't have the balls to talk about it with me.
So after a week of no contact we got back together and 4 months later i decided to move out my parents house for the first time and live with him 80 miles away.

After 6 months living together he asked me to pick a ring and for 4 weeks we looked at rings and he said when he gets his new contract making him permanent he would buy me one. That never happened but i never lost hope after telling him my dream proposal was if he could do it at a concert of a band i love. i just thought he was waiting as we have tickets for them in a few weeks time.

I got a promotion at work which tripled my wages and gave me better job security so we started saving for a house and started planning kids.
I stayed on the implant but started getting in better health due to having PCOS i wanted to reduce the chances of disappointment and we had decided once I was at a better weight and once the stresses of new jobs and family events (marriages, new babies and Christmas) were over we would start trying.

His mum then got very ill to a point we thought she would be lucky to live a few weeks and he then wanted to push his life forward and we started discussing marriage and kids more just in case she pulled through and had a chance to see all those events.
Then she pulled through (Someone must of been watching over her) and even though she is in a bad way she maybe has another 3-5 years left. All plans of weddings and babies fizzled out.

Everything was going fine we had weekends away spent Christmas together had an amazing few months and there was nothing to show anything was wrong.

Then 3 weeks ago i asked him to some paperwork together to sort out a few things and also asked about his he can get time off for may to go on holiday and he never did these things I had put them down to him being so laid back he will do it at the last second like he always had but i did asking him why he didn't want to make plans and was he leaving me and he just said he will do them soon.

The breakup
A little over a week ago I got home from work and had a little cry as I was overworked and we cuddled and I said I loved him and he just say Uh-huh and we both had a nap. When we woke up we cuddled some more but he pulled away when I went to kiss him.
We both got up and went to watch TV in the living room and he asked why I was upset and I explained about the feeling overworked and he used that to then go I've not been happy for a few months and I asked him what does he mean like his jobs and he said no I'm not happy about us.

He went on to say about how he felt we never saw each other,my negative attitude and my suicidal thoughts was something he couldn't get passed.

I agree we felt sometime that we never saw each other but rarely did we have a weekend we wasn't doing something together and i always made time for him even if it meant going home for 3 hours to see him and then going back to work in the evenings to finish what needed doing.

The negative attitude I thinks has gone away and was mainly from early on in the relationship but I have grown up since then and this has improved.

The suicidal thoughts i think were attention seeking and also were from earlier on and I think I have grown out of all that but I will be seeking help just in case it more than I think it.

We talked for hours and cried he said some stuff that stuck in my mind.

First he said I always assumed I was invited to stuff like his friends BBQs, Holidays with friends and trips with him to see his family (i went maybe 75% of the time but he would come with me to see family 90%)
At no point did he ever say I want to go alone and the few times I didn't go I had people ask why I was there and even had personal invites for next time.

After saying he thought I hated the idea of kids we discussed them and he said that the reason he always hated wearing condom (we used them maybe 5% of the time when we didn't want to make a mess) wasn't the lack of pleasure it was hoping I would fall pregnant as he knew i wanted them but knew my worries about PCOS

He also said he gave up the idea of getting me a ring as he claims every one he showed me i found fault in it. He showed me a few and i didn't like them but i showed him maybe 30 i did like all in his price range.

After talking I asked if he was willing to work things out and he said he will try but cant promise anything and not to get my hopes up and agreed that if we work out we know we are stronger and the plans for marriage and kids will be on the table again.

I went back to my parents as I had a week off work anyway and didnt contact him for 5 days and i had to then go back home. I went back home while he was at work and when he got in he seemed shocked i was there and i couldnt tell if he was happy or not to see me.

I ended up looking at his history and it was showing job searches for my home town which gave me hope as he knows i want to move back there but only if he had a good jobs as it will be easier for me to find work or transfer than for him to do so. He also was looking at easter eggs and from his history he has ordered one which seems odd as he only buys them for me in the past and why order one when the shop he ordered it from is local and he can go collect it easy.

We went away and had a great time until i saw a message on his phone saying thinking of you xxx. I only saw this because I went to turn off his alarm as he was in the bathroom.

I confronted him about this and he said it just a friend and she was partying last night and might of sent it to the wrong person (i checked her facebook and she was partying for her birthday that night). I then confronted him about his history and he said he wanted to get a job in my hometown so i can see my family more which made me cry because if that is true it proves he is trying to make things better betweens us as well as putting me first.

It turns out this girl is from my home town which makes me think that it is linked to his history and i also think the egg is for her which i guess i will have to wait and see if anything turns up here for easter.

I asked him to try and limit contact with her and if it wasn't just a mistake text to set the boundaries but i dont know if he has.

He keeps confusing me about if he plans to get back with me as he making small plans for the future (changing broadband type, buying flowers for the garden and taking me furniture shopping) and he makes comments about 'us' like i had a blonde moment and he said i will get worst with old age and when I'm in my 60s he will come home to find me doing weird things or saying about our future kids and how we going to raise them.

He then pushed me away by not looking at me if im in a loving mood moving away when i hug him.

My dad visited recently to sort some stuff out and he didnt know about our breakup (only told my mum) and both of them had a chat and my dad was shocked to hear we had broken up(my mum told him today) as they had had a talk about the plans for summer.

He wont sleep in a bed with me atm as he said the temptation is too much.

I also noticed weird behaviour for him he keeps offering to help me clean or cook, he showed me how to play his videos games (never shows me just turns it on for me) and he has been showering before work (he used to only shower saturdays or when i joined him). All of these things were things he knew upset me about him from time to time and now he doing them.

Im so confused I cant see why he left, what he wants and if there is someone else. My life feels like it is in pieces as for the first time ever i had a great job, chance of buying my own house and marriage and kids before I got too old (always worried about my age because of the PCOS)

I just needed to get all this out.

Thetallesttower Tue 01-Apr-14 22:09:20

I think he has got someone else. He seems to be hedging his bets with you, giving you just enough encouragement to keep you waiting for him but enough warnings that when he properly leaves you (and sadly I think he will) he will say he told you that he wasn't ready for that/you weren't ideal and so on.

You don't say anything in your post about what is great about him as a particular person- more about how you want to get married and have kids, I wonder if you want that more than you want him if you see what I mean.

You are only 25, PCOS doesn't mean you can't have children- I think the best thing would be to split up properly, retreat to your parents or a friend, get a flat by yourself. At the moment you are clutching at straws and he's got you running around trying to keep him- unpleasant for you and I bet ultimately unsuccessful.

Get 'He's just not that into you' and read it cover to cover - this man has told you he doesn't want to marry you at the moment, or even be with you but you don't seem to want to hear this.

I'm sorry you are in this mess, but you are young enough to walk away to something better and more loving- this guy is looking for a way out and the only thing you are going to get if you stay around is more hurt.

hollowmind Tue 01-Apr-14 22:53:23

I didn't put what I think is great about him as it very personal to me and the only person I've ever told what I think is him

CailinDana Tue 01-Apr-14 23:00:47

Sorry to say I think Tower is right. He's stringing you along and treating you really badly. It's time to put your foot down and tell him he needs tp make up his mind or get gone.

morley19 Tue 01-Apr-14 23:07:13

Am so sorry Hollow but it does sound like there is someone else involved.

So so sorry to say that but many things you have said point towards it.

I think Cailin is right, it's time to put your foot down. You're worth more than this. Plus you're really young, plenty of time to recover and have your whole future in front of you.

Take care and good luck xx

Ps - minor observation but am I reading that right that he only normally showers on a Saturday ie once a week?!

YoBitch Tue 01-Apr-14 23:07:21

im sorry but it sounds like he is in that inbetween stage where he no longer wants to be with you but can't quite make the break yet. I wouldn't believe a word he says about that girl either. I agree that he is hedging his bets with you both and probably lining her up as his next girlfriend. regardless of her it can't be doing you any good to be hanging in there hoping that it will work out when he is reeling out all sorts of crap excuses for why he isn't happy, rewriting history to suit his actions and generally behaving dishonestly. I feel for you, sorry sad

fortyplus Tue 01-Apr-14 23:33:30

Good grief - you're far too young to stay with a user like him! Get rid and be thankful that you didn't have children together. He has someone else - it's just a matter of time till it all comes out.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 01-Apr-14 23:38:27

I don't think your future is with this man, my lovely, I'm so sorry. He's telling you very clearly that he doesn't want to be with you, but you won't be able to recognise that because you're so desperately looking for the tiniest signs that it will get better. Most people have been in your situation at some point, I certainly have.

I don't think the Easter egg is for you. Perhaps he didn't go and collect it because it's being delivered. Also, if you couldn't tell whether he was pleased to see you or not, then he probably wasn't. I wonder if he's told this female 'friend' that he was breaking things off with you when you went away, which would explain the text.

My advice would be to remove yourself from the situation and start making plans that don't involve him for the future.

hollowmind Wed 02-Apr-14 05:39:38

I found out some more about this other woman.

He met her on the same dating site he met me but about a year before. I think he may of been involved with her for a short time as I remember when I first went to his place seeing a valentine card to him sign from a girl with the same name and a wedding invite with her name as the plus 1.

I want to confront her but I know it crazy

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 02-Apr-14 06:58:05

If anyone is to be confronted here its this bloke you're with currently. The other girl owes you nothing and you would be mad to approach her at all.

I think he is making plans to leave and be with this other person; he's gone about all this in a not too unusual cack handed manner because he is really a coward and does not want to be seen as the "bad guy". The way he explained the message on his phone to you in particular is a lot of old bs. The Easter Egg is not for you either.

I would make a life for yourself going forward without him in it; this relationship has really now run its course and staying around at all for you now will just cause you more pain. Love your own self for a change.

Reading "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood could well help you as well.

Pagwatch Wed 02-Apr-14 07:10:53

Why would you confront her and not him ?

I think he's done I'm afraid
But he sounds as though he has never been fully committed but now has someone else lined up so is ready to move on.
You sound sad but I hope you will eventually see that hanging around in the hope that this man will throw you some scraps of attention and commitment is no way to live.

RedRoom Wed 02-Apr-14 10:46:12

I think actions speak louder than words, and his words and actions are two contrasting things. He says he'll propose when he gets a new contract, then doesn't. He says things about your future kids, but then insists on sleeping separately. He plans for the future, but physically pushes you away when you try to show affection. You say you love him, his response is 'uh-huh'. I'm really sorry, but all the signs are there that he is disengaging from the relationship a bit at a time. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, I don't think he'd be pushing you away, sleeping separately and avoiding saying I love you. I also don't think he'd be looking for jobs (not seriously anyway) which would involve you both moving, without actually raising this with you first.

HazleNutt Wed 02-Apr-14 11:34:58

I have to agree with what everybody has said - he is interested in someone else, but too much of a wimp to end your relationship, so is trying to make it all your fault, or force you to end it.

He told you not to get your hopes up - would you say that to a partner you are afraid to lose?

Don't confront the other girl, nothing to be gained there.

212smj Wed 02-Apr-14 12:01:10

Honey, I'm really sorry but he has emotionally checked out of this relationship. The signs you are looking for that confuse you are not real acts, you are misinterpreting them. I'm truly so sorry to sound harsh but this is 100% exactly where I was 3 years ago. I wish someone could have told me then what I know now..... My XP told me he thought he had depression, (because I was an overachiever and it emasculated him) and we had to call the wedding off (booked and paid for!) because of it..... He didn't, he'd just shagged some tart on a works trip and didn't have the balls to admit it!

If he wanted to be with you he would be, it's simple. He has treated you badly and behaved selfishly. And this OW stuff to boot is just cowardly! He could just say 'I'm sorry I don't love you and there is someone else' it would hurt like hell short term but he would at least be taking responsibility. But no, the cowardly guy tries to blame you and leave you full of regrets for your part in it all.
As hard as it is my lovely, you need to walk away. With my XP I didn't and even now I feel so ashamed that I danced the 'pick me dance' and overlooked his horrific behaviour.

And I will say within 3 months of him going I realised how much better life was without him. Now my life is wonderful - yours will be too.

It's hard to be brave in these situations but you can do it.

Good luck OP.

PS - Don't confront the OW, she is irrelevant to you. It won't help you feel better.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 02-Apr-14 12:24:37

Definitely walk away from this man. And promise yourself a good 6 months without dating, sex or romance while you sort yourself out. At the moment you seem to be pretty much desperate for LoveN MarriageN Babies and you are much too young to give up on all the possibilities there are out there. The fact that this tosser has clearly convinced you that it's a woman's job to please and keep a man by total subservience is another reason to stay single until you can accept that a relationship with a man should only be entered into if it makes your life better - it's not a challenge or an endurance test, and being single is far too good to give it up for a less-than-perfect man.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 02-Apr-14 15:51:25

I agree with previous posters he is running rings round you, and trying to get together with another female before he jumps ship.

He might continue to blow hot and cold OP. And at some point tell you he made the wrong decision and he was in a bad place at the time. Then when you are beset by muddled thinking he will turn back and do somethng else just to keep you off balance.

Imagine if you went on to have a baby with this man. You wouldn't know whether you were coming or going.

If you were without this level of stress and walking on eggshells maybe your suicidal feelings would disappear.

Please get yourself back amongst loved ones who care about you. You are capable of holding down a good job, you have so much going for you, he is a fool to mess you about and I hope you can sever ties with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now