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Back in touch with my ex

(13 Posts)
Avalon2 Tue 01-Apr-14 20:09:26

Ive been married for 10 years. For the first few years my husband would regularly hit me, the last time he did it he split my eye open and I required hospital treatment. He has not hit me since but he speaks to me in a a pretty unpleasant way. Nothing I seem to do is ever good enough, our lives would be better if I had a different job etc. basically there is always something. Regularly I get woken during by the night to be told I've not done something and how stupid I am.
We have two children and he is lovely to them, believe me I he ever spoke to them the way he speaks to me I would leave. The children adore him and for all his hideousness to me he is a good father to them.
Before Xmas I sent a friend request on Facebook to an ex, I know I probably shouldn't have done this!
Anyway he was delighted to hear from me, we broke up because his visa ran out and he had to go home to the States. At the time I was gutted.
We kept in touch but eventually I moved a lot and lost touch with him.
Anyway instantly he replied saying he'd been back 3 times looking for me in the last 17 yrs and how he never forgot me. This man has made me feel so loved, we talk several times a day and he tell me he loves me and is willing to give up his life over there and come here and take care of me and my children. I have really fallen for him again, our relationship was really lovely all those yrs ago.
I'm sorry this is such a long post, I'm just so confused and
petrified about what to do. Do I leave my husband for this man? I just want to know if anyone else has had a similar experience.
I am so concerned how this will affect my children, I know having an scared mum is probably already affecting them. I'm just terrified of how it's all going to kick off if I leave.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 01-Apr-14 20:30:50

leave your husband and spend some time working on yourself first. Your husband is an abuser and you should leave him regardless of someone waiting in the wings who may or may not be a future partner.

Speak to Woman's Aid and get help. Don't make the mistake of hoping a long lost ex can rescue you from your current life.

RollerCola Tue 01-Apr-14 20:33:28

The first thing you need to do is leave your husband. By staying with him your children will think that the way he treats you is an acceptable way to behave, regardless of how he is with them. You are doing them no favours at all by staying. They may even grow up to treat others the same way.

Don't get involved with anyone else until you have done this. It will just make everything far more complicated. Get out first. Then get ok with the rest of your fabulous life grin

RollerCola Tue 01-Apr-14 20:34:28

Get on with the rest of your life

Avalon2 Tue 01-Apr-14 20:44:59

Thank you for your replies. I wouldn't leave to go and live with my ex, I would want to live by myself with my children. I just have no clue how to leave and how on earth I could provide for my children on the salary I'm on. We live in a nice area and there's no way I can afford to live here by myself. I dream of being away from my husband and you're right, it's affecting my children and the way they see relationships. For the first time in a long time I feel cared for and maybe my ex has just given me the push I need.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 01-Apr-14 20:48:01

well you would get child benefit, working and child tax credit and maintenance to top up your salary. Do you rent or own?

You need to see a solicitor really.

Avalon2 Tue 01-Apr-14 20:50:44

We own our house, I know my husband would make it extremely difficult for me to get anything financially and there's no way he would move out. Thanks for your help, seeing it in black and white has really made me realise what an awful situation I've been living in.

hickorychicken Tue 01-Apr-14 20:56:35

My advice, as harsh as it may sound, leave your husband. Do not let your DC's grow up like this. BUT....the ex... he shouldn't even factor in this decision.
Please seek help with Womens Aid or such as like.
The ex is merely a distraction surely, a "What could've been"?

something2say Tue 01-Apr-14 21:02:51

The law will protect you x see a solicitor x

Avalon2 Tue 01-Apr-14 21:12:31

I really appreciate you all taking time to give me advice. My ex has just made me realise how I should be treated and I was in denial about how bad I've been feeling. I won't let him affect my decision, it's probably just hastened me leaving. I'm absolutely petrified about how this is going to kick off when I make the break. Thank you for your help x

hickorychicken Tue 01-Apr-14 21:17:27

Please contact WA, they help with strength to go, you deserve better. thanks

Dirtybadger Tue 01-Apr-14 21:21:52

Contact WA and a Solicitor. You must leave your husband.
Please make sure that you have hidden evidence of your conversation. In the circumstances I cannot blame you even a tiny bit but your husband will not be understanding; he is not a nice man.

Good luck thanks

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 01-Apr-14 21:24:21

Watch yourself OP it is a lovely escapist fantasy but one thing at a time. As you have explained you would do better to first make plans to leave your H then make sure you and DCs are safe before jumping into a new relationship. Contact Women's Aid, get legal advice. And be careful with your Internet history.

Legally as you are married you will be in a stronger position than if you were co-habiting. Your H will bluster and deny you are entitled to anything so don't believe anything he tells you.

If he is sincere the new man will understand you need to be careful. He isn't even in the country at present.

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