Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Useless with men, second time around

(16 Posts)
Amateuratlarge Tue 01-Apr-14 19:44:03

Please go easy with me here. I've NC as I I feel like a right idiot.

I've been single for around 3 years following the end of a 23 year relationship. I won't go into how it ended, but suffice to say I was left in a pretty fragile state. I settled into being single very easily and always felt that I had no need of another man in my life and that things would be best on my own, just me and my dd.

Anyway, I was out with a large group on Saturday and ended up being one of the last two in the taxi on the way home, along with another man I have known for some time. He is separated. During the 10 mins we were in the taxi alone, he made it known that were I to invite him in, he wouldn't say no.

Well, I was a bit like a rabbit in the headlights and didn't know what to do. I sort of waffled on a bit, but have to say that I didn't pull away when he held my hand. It also felt lovely to just sit close to a man, after such a long time. I made my excuses when we reached my house, but the whole thing has left me really confused.

I sounds really innocent written down, but it felt really charged at the time, and I was left feeling quite hot and bothered! I's made me think again about my 'single for ever' plan too.

The thing is, there has been no mention of it since. We had a very brief, but civil, text on Sunday about arrangements for our dds, but nothing else. I'm fighting an urge to contact him to clear the air, but I'm guessing that would be a bad idea?

I can't believe how much I'm acting like a complete teenager over this. Doing anything with this man at the moment would not be a good idea as I think he's having a difficult time and I don't want to end up caught int he crossfire. However, he is a really sweet guy and I will no doubt see him soon, so it will all feel really awkward.

Is contacting him a really bad idea?

Amateuratlarge Tue 01-Apr-14 20:38:05

Anyone? Even if only to tell me to get a grip of myself?!

endlessdrudgery Tue 01-Apr-14 20:39:56

What do you want to happen?

nkf Tue 01-Apr-14 20:42:00

What do you want to happen? I'd say you are keen to be in a relationship and he was there and seemed interested. Nothing much happened though and I think you can stop feeling too flustered.

Amateuratlarge Tue 01-Apr-14 20:43:24

Good question. If it was a year from now, I might want to pursue things. A the moment, things are just too complicated with his stbxw. I guess I want to stay friends, just worried that may be difficult now.

onedayatatimeLondon Tue 01-Apr-14 20:43:52

You are a red blooded woman who has just been reminded of a side of your life you thought was over, or at least forgotten.

If I were if I were you I'd enjoy how it has made you feel and think a bit more about whether you really are ready to be nun-like.

I found myself in a very similar situation 'fancying the arse off me". After my divorce I assumed I was not attractive to anybody. I was drunk enough that night to enjoy the attention but sobre enough to remember he was a colleague and my life was complicated enough.

He gave me such a boost and I realised that actually I did want sex again. So I ventured out there and started dating - gently and at my own speed - and met my dp who was as delighted as I was to find my libido was as strong as a teenager blush.

I wish I had the nerve to thank my colleague for his clumsy pass - it was a turning point for me!

So, enjoy what this has woken up in you and think about what you want to do next.:-)

Amateuratlarge Tue 01-Apr-14 20:49:11

One day - that is absolutely spot on. I know this sounds totally naff, but I cannot believe how I felt just having a red blooded male hold my hand!

I was also drunk enough to feel more confident that I would have done otherwise, but somewhere in my inebriated brain a little bit of common sense popped up.

I honestly thought I'd never feel like sex again - I think that thinking about dating at my own pace is good advice.

MamaPingu Tue 01-Apr-14 20:59:48

This thread has made me smile smile

I've only been single a matter of months and I'm like you were OP, I feel like I'm happy just me and DS and not interested in men at all.

It's made me kind of excited that one day I'll have a moment like that where I'm reawakened, although I feel it'll take a lot to wake me grin

onedayatatimeLondon Tue 01-Apr-14 21:04:19

Just realised my post makes no sense at all - cooking dinner and posting at same time. sorry.

what I meant to say was that a colleague made a clumsy pass and told me he "fancied the arse off me... "

onedayatatimeLondon Tue 01-Apr-14 23:01:00

Enjoy the adventure amateur :-)

Walkacrossthesand Wed 02-Apr-14 07:27:05

I think what this guy was actually hinting at was a 'no strings' session in your bed - bit cheeky IMO! (Especially if you've known him for a while and he's not yet extricated himself from his marriage). If that's what you fancy too, all well and good, but I form the impression you are wondering about 'something more' - which doesn't tend to start with 'fancy a shag?!' Nothing to feel embarrassed about, nothing to stop something developing in the future - but for now, I'd say 'move along, nothing to see here' with this guy!

akaWisey Wed 02-Apr-14 07:39:04

3 years and a bit down the line here too.

I say go for it (not necessarily with this guy) and have yourself some fun. Dating at this time in your life can be enormously liberating and a nice addition to your life rather than the be all.

ghostwritten Wed 02-Apr-14 08:22:02

I agree with Walkacross.
From what you describe it seems he was after opportunist sex. Particularly as he didn't follow up afterwards. However maybe he was also drunk and was embarrassed the next day who knows.
But the good thing is that he did rev up your sex drive, you felt a reaction.
So time to start dating!

Amateuratlarge Wed 02-Apr-14 13:19:24

Mamapingu - believe, waking me was something I never anticapted, having been comatose for the last 3 years!

I actually agree that he fancied a quick shag and some adult company for the night as I know he's struggling with living alone. Had his situation moved on a bit I wouldn't necessarily have minded this. I trust him and, with the exception of the not-yet ended marriage, he would be a safe test bed for me, if you'll pardon the expression!

Dahlen Wed 02-Apr-14 13:36:42

I'd send the text. Just something light and upbeat that makes no big deal of it but clears the air and makes it obvious this isnt' something you intend to pursue. Use the excuse of difficulties with your DDs if you need to, but please don't get involved with someone going through a complicated divorce having worked so hard to get your own life uncomplicated.

And then, why not consider dating? You don't have to have a serious relationship with anyone if you don't want to, just a 'companion' you can go to dinner with followed by great sex. And if you get bored/said companion turns out to be a twat, you can dump and move on happy in the knowledge that you don't ever have to see them again.


Amateuratlarge Wed 02-Apr-14 14:12:16

Dinner followed by great sex, but no man permanently at home leaving his washing lying around

I'm getting more enthusiastic about this dating idea by the minute ....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now