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Ruining Relationship - pls help

(25 Posts)
Chocydoo Tue 01-Apr-14 17:49:17

Been best friends for 10 years. I have two children... had three miscarriages. One of which I had to deliver. Pretty awful. My friend is having infertility issues and has only just been approved for IVF. I have tried to be sensitive to the hard time she is going through. She didnt visit me at all when I was pregnant with my little girl, even though I was extremely ill the whole pregnancy and could not walk because of very bad SPD. However, I looked past it and tried to understand. I have paid for her to visit a counsellor, I have help her set up an IVF group in her area, sent presents to cheer her up... everything I felt possible. When she told me she only wanted to see me without my kids there I looked past this also... always trying to keep in mind her feelings. Well today is April Fools day... on my facebook I wrote that I had tricked my partner into believing I was once again pregnant and instead of being shocked he had been pleased making us now want to try for another... I re-read it and thought "Oh this might be a bit insensitive to my friend, so I immediately deleted it. Later on I sent her my usual text to find out how her day was... she replied saying my post had really hurt her feelings, she was quite emotional about it and I had caused her a huge blow. I pointed out that I had immediately removed it because of this and she said she would not talk to me until she had calmed down.
I actually am now at the point where I cant keep editing my life because of this. I love her dearly and I understand she is going through a crap time but I cant share anything with her anymore incase it upsets her. I spend all day with my kids, that is my life. I dont have anything else to talk about and she doesnt want to talk about it which I understand.
Am I unsensitive? Ive just had enough....

HowContraryMary Tue 01-Apr-14 17:54:12

I think it was a poor joke but that is neither here nor there.

No one can keep hiding because their very existence might offend someone. How would you feel if I demanded all people not take their mothers out because mine is dead?

When she told me she only wanted to see me without my kids there I looked past this also

This is where you should have let the relationship go.

It's all very sad that she cant have what she wants out of life, but unless she only internet shops, shes is going to see children every where.

Chocydoo Tue 01-Apr-14 18:00:48

Unfortunately I feel like we can only have a proper relationship when she does get a child... whether that is through ivf... adoption etc its just got to a really sorry place. She is starting to fall out with all her friends at the moment

Twinklestein Tue 01-Apr-14 18:01:13

I think there is a limit to how much you can protect someone from difficulties in life. I have two friends who can't have their own kids, I've been very supportive because I know how hard it must be for them, but never once have they behaved the way your friend has.

Initially I didn't talk about my children or anything to do with them, but they made it clear that they're fine with it, so it's not an issue. They're both happy for other people who have kids and like to get involved, one of them now has a step daughter which she is over the moon about, and when they have blips of grief they come and talk to me about it.

I understand why your friend is so upset, but realistically I don't think there's much you can do.

HowContraryMary Tue 01-Apr-14 18:04:53

didnt visit me at all when I was pregnant with my little girl, even though I was extremely ill the whole pregnancy and could not walk because of very bad SPD.

She isn't your friend. Friends do any thing for each other.

I have paid for her to visit a counsellor, I have help her set up an IVF group in her area, sent presents to cheer her up... everything I felt possible

Unless she is some form of support - it's time to cut this friendship loose. It's doing the giving. What do you get in return?

Chocydoo Tue 01-Apr-14 18:11:56

I guess the time we spent together but the relationship isnt the same anymore and i know it wont be until she fills this void.
Today was the first time i felt like going crazy at her but i havent... as usual i know it will get twisted to where i am the bad unsupportive friend

AndTheBandPlayedOn Tue 01-Apr-14 18:27:15

I agree with the previous posters, sorry. It is not you ruining the relationship, btw. If others are beginning to distance themselves from her too...It is not you, it's her. Perhaps she has let this circumstance dominate every aspect of her life. But she can not expect it to be the priority of other people, iyswim.

From what you have posted, it seems like she enjoys your running circles around her (to help solve her problem which you can not possibly solve for her)...And then add in the eggshells of avoiding all topics children? Just guessing, but she sounds controlling.

You just are not compatible anymore.

sarahquilt Tue 01-Apr-14 20:28:02

It's not up to you to shield her from reality. She’s being selfish.

Chocydoo Tue 01-Apr-14 22:18:39

Ive decided Im not going to pursue the relationship any further. Its a big decision for me but I cant do this anymore. Such a shame....

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 02-Apr-14 09:35:03

While she is obviously struggling, the April fool's joke was unbelievably stupid and insensitive. Not just because of your friend, but because of other women that you may have on your friends' list that might be struggling with infertility or perhaps had a miscarriage recently or something similar that you're not aware of. I do not understand why people find this particular "joke" on April fool's funny. confused

RedRoom Wed 02-Apr-14 10:20:25

It took me a while to conceive plus I had a lot of complications and, as a result, I think I've become much more sensitive to other women. Surprisingly, you've also had miscarriages etc, but still thought a pretending to be pregnant / tricking your partner status update would be funny. I'm really not sure why! It's a bit tasteless and immature. I know you realised and took it down, but I'm not sure why you ever thought that would be a really funny status to post on Facebook.

However, none of your friend's other issues are anything to do with you. In those aspects, you have been sensitive and I think you've reached a point when she needs to accept that other women cannot effectively pretend to be childless just to avoid upsetting her. It's difficult for her, but these are her own private issues to deal with and expecting people around her to tip-toe around for years just isn't reasonable.

Cut your losses and move on. You've tried your best. It's not a healthy friendship and she seemingly adds nothing to your happiness.

Chocydoo Wed 02-Apr-14 13:53:08

My mother died last year.... I didnt begrudge anyone with their mothers day postings or her when she posted what a lovely day she was having with her mother.
Even the prospect of trying for another baby scares the hell out of me because of all the heartache and loss it came with. I wont get graphic but last time was horrendous.
The more I think about it the angrier I am becoming. She hasnt bothered to contact me today like she said... Im not going to contact her. I guess thats it.

struggling100 Wed 02-Apr-14 14:07:01

Having had so many problems TTC, I can understand why your post came over as insensitive to your friend. It was thoughtless of you, but not malicious or nasty. The point is, you realised that, deleted it, and then texted your friend to see if she was ok, which proves you're a decent person, I would reply to her text saying you're really sorry and that it was thoughtless and silly, and that you hope she feels better soon.

HOWEVER, I think your friend is making a huge drama out of the wider situation that is attention seeking and over the top. Yes, every time one of my friends gets pregnant, I used to feel a pain inside... BUT at the same time I was genuinely glad for them and happy. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking them not to tell me about it, just because I was struggling, and the very idea of asking them not to bring kids around strikes me as ridiculous. They have a right to be happy in an unedited way, and I need to face the fact that maybe I will never be able to have kids without dragging everyone around me through misery!

Fluffycloudland77 Wed 02-Apr-14 14:14:10

Is she like this with all her freinds or just you?. You've already been very tolerant of her.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 02-Apr-14 14:14:17

The more I think about it the angrier I am becoming. She hasnt bothered to contact me today like she said... Im not going to contact her. I guess thats it.

Don't go all drama queen over it. If you're not happy with the way the friendship is going, simply step away from it. Don't make it more than it is.

CheeseAndPickleSammich Wed 02-Apr-14 17:22:11

While she is obviously struggling, the April fool's joke was unbelievably stupid and insensitive. Not just because of your friend, but because of other women that you may have on your friends' list that might be struggling with infertility

Completely disagree. Why should people fee like they have to censor anything "just incase" it may upset someone. That's just ridiculous and if you're that upset and scared about what you will see then you probably shouldn't even turn the computer on

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 02-Apr-14 17:26:37

Why should people fee like they have to censor anything "just incase" it may upset someone. That's just ridiculous and if you're that upset and scared about what you will see then you probably shouldn't even turn the computer on

God no. You wouldn't want to actually have compassion for people, right? Heaven forbid. hmm

And THIS is why every year, you see the stupid pregnancy April fools nonsense on FB.

Thetallesttower Wed 02-Apr-14 17:37:21

It's interesting that you call this a 'relationship' rather than a friendship, it all sounds very intense and overly dramatic- the daily text, the flouncing, you paying for her counseling, it's too much.

I suspect you both need to back off a bit from each other anyway, even without this current episode.

Chocydoo Thu 03-Apr-14 15:26:10

Alice then that would mean u literally cant post anything incase someone gets offended
If you dont want to see ceetain things then dont use social media sites. Its full of it.

She sent me a message saying she is working hard and how am i

Completely ignoring what happened two days ago
Not sure how to reply. Seems she is brushing it under the carpet

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Thu 03-Apr-14 15:32:01

Well, if you are going to post stuff that is potentially hurtful or offensive, then I guess you have to be prepared to take the backlash. Is it really that hard to figure out? hmm

OneMoreChap Thu 03-Apr-14 16:11:58

She really isn't your friend.

Lanabelle Thu 03-Apr-14 16:12:39

I sort of feel the same sometimes but I understand from both sides, as much as it doesn't really seem to be what you want you might just have to pull back a bit and ride this one out if you value the friendship and that is a lot of years to lose. I don't think she is quite herself just now though with IVF it is tough and the synthetic hormones they give you are hell (ask my manager who had an earpiece thrown at her head in a complete fit of my temper). I isolated myself from all my friends with children or who were pregnant while we were having difficulty conceiving, not because I didn't like the children or anything but because it hurt. it got easier with time but still me and hubby couldn't visit our friends with children together. Watching him with someone else's children made me suicidal and on several occasions I've left him not because I don't love him but because I wanted him to have the family he deserves which I couldn't give him. I know it seems really unreasonable the way she reacted to you but I don't think she means it but maybe your post stung a little to her and the IVF meds blow it all out of proportion. its stupid little things that hurt the most like the Tesco advert at Christmas with the whole family round the table and realising that might never be you. most normal people wouldn't even give it a moments notice but to me that advert was like doomsday everytime it aired. I didn't resent any of my friends their children but it didn't half make me feel like less of a woman for not having mine and no matter how much my old man would tell me he loved me and he wouldn't leave me I couldn't believe it. Now I am tiptoeing around two friends with fertility issues of their own and I realise I was a massive pain in the ar*e to my friends and my OH but I really am grateful to them for sticking around even when I was a bubbling snotty mess making demands that I not be seated next to the pregnant teenage cousin at a wedding or can I not be handed a baby to have a photo taken with etc. maybe give it some time and when your both ready talk about it? how it is for both of you? she might not realise you feel like you do and it could be good to just get it out in the open

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 16:18:10

She sounds completely self-obsessed tbh.

She needs counselling to help her deal with her unhappiness. She can't expect you to put your hold on life until she has a child. It's deeply hurtful for a friend not to want to see another friend's children. Looks like the supportiveness is all one-way.

AskBasil Thu 03-Apr-14 16:18:29

Sorry, life on hold

Wishyouwould Thu 03-Apr-14 16:34:47

I can't advise you what to do OP but I'd just like to offer you an insight to how infertility feels.

It's all consuming, you can't think about anything else, you feel like a failure, you become someone that you don't want to be and that you don't like, you withdraw from people to protect yourself, you hate yourself, when friends/family become pregnant you ask yourself 'how can you do this to me?'

I disagree with the people who say she isn't your friend. Until you have been through infertility you have no idea how it feels and how it changes you. Yes you do become self obsessed but do you think that's how you want to feel?

I had counselling and eventually got pregnant on my third go of IVF. I now have 2 beautiful DC. I look back and think about when it was too painful to see my pg SIL and BF and I feel ashamed but I would never judge anyone because you don't know how it feels to walk a mile in their shoes.

I wish all the best to you and your friend - and she is your friend btw she is just going through an extremely painful time.

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