Need The Wise Women Of Mumsnet.....

[changerofname123]

I have name changed....

DH and I have not been getting on that well recently. Nothing major, I thought.

He sent me an email today telling me he is going for counselling tonight as he is so very unhappy. I was very very surprised.

We have then been sending emails back and forth as he didn't want to have the conversations face to face.

We are basically disagreeing over parenting. We have a DS who is 2.5 and an older DD 9.

We can't seem to agree, I said lets takl tonight and he has just sent me this:

With respect to both of our feelings - why would either of us want to go through the same old discussion again?
This exchange was undertaken with the hope that if things were typed out, it would be clearer.
They are.
You think that I am wrong and some kind of bully to boot.
I think that you are wrong.
I would. You would. Zero progress. As always.

I just don't know what to do next, how to have a proper convetrsation. I feel terrible that he's so unhappy he is going to conselling, but also can't beleive its got that bad that he hasn't mentioned it to me.

When he gets back after it I am going to have to ask if there is anything other than the parenting making him unhapppy.

We disagreed over DS the other week and he said he was so sick of me 'interferring' that he wasn't going to do any of the disciline anymore and that I could do it all.

I guess I am just looking for some sound advice, what should I do next?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think I would need to understand how you parent diffently?
What does he do that you don't like and vice versa?

And why can't you both compromise on this?
Seems odd to me.
Parenting is an ongoing learning curve for the whole of their lives.
You have to adapt all the time.

[fairylightsintheloft]

Dont know if I've got any constructive advice but I guess all you can do right now is see what happens as a result of the counselling session. Maybe see if you can make them joint ones? Hope someone more helpful comes along soon but good luck

[Twinklestein]

What is it about his parenting that you disagree with? You think he's 'wrong' and a 'bully'? Is he?

I assume this about more than just different approaches to parenting.

Either way, emails are clearly not the way to approach this, he needs to man up and discuss it face to face.

It is very odd that he didn't mention his unhappiness to you in person. Odd and somewhat passive aggressive.

[changerofname123]

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, email not ideal at all.

Examples of what we disagree on....

I tend toward to parenting of ignoring the bad behaviour and praising the good.

He fundamentally disagrees.

• if ds touches the tv screen dh says it should be a time out if he does it after we have told him no
  

• I will however take him out of the room if he hits his older sister
  

• it's currently taking me nearly an hour to get ds to bed, he's had a cough/cold recently and sleeping has gone badly wrong. So I am sitting in his room until he falls asleep, not ideal I know, DH says we should just leave him to cry himself to sleep. Cough has gone. Also he is waking up a couple of hours later and ending up in bed with me anyway. This is not helping.
  

DH was away for nearly two weeks awhile ago and I felt happier that he wasn't here, it felt like a more relaxed home. Not a good sign I know.

Guess I will see how he feels when he gets back from counselling.

Thanks for reading.

[onedayatatimeLondon]

Why not ask him if you can see the counsellor together. The issue for him seems to be about how you both communicate.

There isn't a right or a wrong way to parent but its probably important for your DCs that you do manage to communicate. Maybe it would help to work through this with a third person...?

Also think carefully about assuming it would be easier if you weren't together. If it is hard to get this right now imagine how difficult it will be if you are not in a relationship.

[KouignAmann]

He sounds despairing and fed up. And you sound exhausted.

The stage you are at when your DC are so small and challenging is utterly wearing. Can you somehow remind each other that you are on the same side? You are not against each other, but the way things are going it has become a battle between you instead of a team effort. Maybe you could call a truce.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Was it this much hard work parenting your eldest? Or did you sort of wing it and both of you were on the same wavelength?