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How do you forgive and move on?

(26 Posts)
Redtartanshoes Tue 01-Apr-14 15:06:56

Dp cheated on me very early on in our relationship for about 6 months. We didn't and still don't live together.

A year down the line and I'm still struggling with it. He has done everything he can to make amends, build trust etc but I still can't get past it.

It's a complicated situation in that he cheated on me with his ex, the mother of his ds, and maintains he (wrongly) did it, not because he wanted. To be with her, but because prior to this she was withholding access to their ds, and by going down the route of getting back with her he was able to see his son.

He has cut all contact with her, but obviously she will always be "there" iykwim which makes things even more difficult.

I want to forgive. and move on,I'm just scared it could happen again. That I didn't have a clue fir 6 months, and I don't want to be in that position again.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I am tearing myself apart with this and damaging our relationship by constantly bringing up the past and not letting go.

PoshPaula Tue 01-Apr-14 15:09:05

If you have decided that you do want to forgive and move on, then time will help a lot. It takes ages but it is possible.

elliebellys Tue 01-Apr-14 15:11:54

So is he seeing ds now then,if hes not in contact with her?.

Redtartanshoes Tue 01-Apr-14 15:19:54

Yes he has his ds every other weekend and 2 nights during the week. (His dm does drop off and pick)

Offred Tue 01-Apr-14 16:31:34

You won't be able to forgive and move on till he takes responsibility.

Telling you some bullshit about having to sleep with her so he could see his son will not do it.

Even if it was true, which it isn't, it's a blatant woman blaming manipulative lie, why couldn't he break up with you? Why sleep with you both?!

Quinteszilla Tue 01-Apr-14 16:33:25

Why bother?

You dont live together, you dont have children together, why the hassle? Why not find a man that is not a proven liar and a cheat, who does not have so much baggage?

Jan45 Tue 01-Apr-14 16:37:21

OMG, what a load of cack, he slept with her in order to see his son, that's actually laughable.

I wouldn't be able to get past it for the simple fact I'd have deduced he is feeding me utter bullshit.

Redtartanshoes Tue 01-Apr-14 16:45:37

Believe me I take on board what you are saying.

It's hard to explain and justify but I do believe him, in that he is in the midst of a second court battle to agree contact as she withheld it and has done the same again.

He maintains that he only (ha) slept with her twice as it was me he wanted to be with', he just couldn't cope not seeing his son.

I know this sounds laughable.

In the past year since I found out he really has done everything he can to regain my trust, and make things better

I get what you say about why bothering with the hassle though, he has more baggage than T5. hmm

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Apr-14 16:54:43

1 year!
It sounds like bloomin' hard work to be honest.
I was with my DH for over 15 years. He cheated and I tried to get passed it.
You don't have to continue to try to forgive.
A lot of people just can't forgive. I know I couldn't when it came to it.
I don't think you will ever get over it and it just sounds exhausting.
Cut your losses and find yourself a good man who won't cheat on you.

Jan45 Tue 01-Apr-14 16:55:56

You believe him yet he deceived you for half a year and you never had an inkling....he's good.

Sorry but it is absolute cack that A, he did it just 2 times but cheated on you for 6 months?

and B, it was out of some sense of desperation to see his child, funny how he is still seeing his child now, unless of course, he is still servicing her out of pity? Yeah it is laughable.

Not disputing he hasn't be very nice to you since OP and is trying to make amends but the actual story he has given you is probably what is stopping you from being able to leave it in the past no?

elliebellys Tue 01-Apr-14 17:30:58

Its all a load of bullshit,iv been in exact same position.he is not telling the truth at all.dontbe so quick to believe everything,he,s proved to be a liar in what should be your honeymoon stage.doesnt bode well for your future really does it.

Phalenopsis Tue 01-Apr-14 18:31:05

What has he done OP to regain trust? Has he done all these things for example? (excuse the cheesy pics which come with) www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse%27s-Trust-After-an-Affair

Phalenopsis Tue 01-Apr-14 18:34:52

Because the excuse of needing contact with his son is not justifiable. Lots of people go through custody battles but don't shag their ex-partner.

It all seems quite exhausting after only a year.

Redtartanshoes Tue 01-Apr-14 20:18:32

Honestly?

He has and is doing all of those things, and more.

I just can't push it out if my head and get in with life.

Terrified if being hurt again. So mad at myself for being so naive and stupid, I think that's half the problem. To the outside world I'm this strong savvy intelligent independent woman who has a good job and home and is pretty switched on... Only I had the wool pulled over my eyes for 6 months like some stupid naive teenager

str8tothepoint Tue 01-Apr-14 20:23:16

Dump him simple this relationship isn't working

Offred Tue 01-Apr-14 20:30:50

It doesn't matter what he is doing to make up for it if he's still lying and blaming this OW for his choices though... That was my original point, you just won't be able to move on no matter what anyone does if he won't take responsibility and even if he does you may not be able to move on anyway.

Redtartanshoes Wed 02-Apr-14 15:55:00

It's not that he blames her, more that he made a stupid mistake as he thought it was the only way to se his ds by "keeping her on side" so to speak... It was an affair obviously but more a "why don't we see if we can make a go of things maybe" so that he could pop round and see his ds and phone. I know it's difficult to understand.

They are in the midst if another court battle as she is withholding access/not looking after ds properly again. (SS involved hmm)

Such a mess.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Apr-14 15:58:03

The problem here is that you are blaming yourself for not spotting the fact that he is a deceitful liar. Not the fact that he is a deceitful liar

AnyFucker Wed 02-Apr-14 15:59:38

In other words, he tried to fool his ex into thinking he still wanted a relationship with her by shagging her whilst simultaneously shagging you

You think this a man worth hanging on to ?

he has treated both you and his ex appallingly

you should both jettison him from your lives

mummyOF4darlings Wed 02-Apr-14 16:01:23

Sorry not read all replies but in my experience i couldnt get over it 2 different guys the 2nd time it happened he was the father of my son made so much effort to try and forget but i couldnt turned me into a paranoid wreck.
I would like to think i could forgive and forget but its harder said than done, all i would say is follow your head!! NOT your heart and listen to your gut instinct

Jan45 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:03:49

OP, you clearly don't want to know the truth as you seem intent on making excuses for him, fair enough, not saying you shouldn't try with him but if you continue to accept what he has told you when nobody in their right mind would, I'd be very careful what he's told you since and in the future.

Yes we all make mistakes, owning up to them and being honest though is how you prevent yourself from doing it again, doesn't sound like he has.

Also sounds like you've also got to contend with him and her constantly fighting over their child, between that and all this within 2 years of the relationship....., he's not sounding that great a catch.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Apr-14 16:05:50

OP, I realise you are getting replies that don't appear to address your original question

but it seems there is very good reason for you to be unable to move past it, and the clues are all there in your OP I am afraid

Charlie97 Wed 02-Apr-14 16:07:56

Sorry he is talking rubbish, he still found her attractive enough to have a sexual relationship with her and also with you at the same time?

That alone says he is talking rubbish!

Get rid pronto.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 02-Apr-14 16:10:06

Bollocks if was only because he wanted access to his son. Sorry but I don't believe it.

LineRunner Wed 02-Apr-14 17:03:49

Re: court battle, withholding access, mother not looking after dc, ss involved.

This is the bullshit my ExH Fed his string of long-suffering girlfriends and family. He created all of the drama and solved none of the problems.

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