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Partner has constant money issues. How long should/can I tolerate this for? Would you kick him out now or give him another chance?

(63 Posts)
NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:25:29

I have known dp for a fair few years and he has lived with me and my dc for around 2 years.

He is the most fun loving, happy person and we get on brilliantly. He loves the dc and they love him. I work full time at the moment. He isn't working because he sold his last business (not for a large sum but a reasonable amount) and he has a long term health issue which has flared up at the moment. The plan was that he would start looking for work at the beginning of this year.

Dp has an ex-w and dc who live elsewhere. Ex-w was supposed to give dp a settlement (as when they divorced, she kept the house and all the money in the bank account which had resulted from the sale of one of his businesses) but is yet to pay it over (it relates to money in the bank account). I do not know the full story to this. I know she was supposed to pay it as I have seen the documents but that's it. Let's call it £10k.

Dp and I do not have joint accounts. But he has a credit card linked to my account that is supposed to be for household spending.

Dp likes a flutter every now and then as do I. But I have v strict limits on what can be spent on things like this. E.g. I might transfer say £50 into an online betting account once a month but as far as I'm concerned, when it is gone it is gone. I thought dp was sticking to this. At Xmas time, I saw he was gambling online but not through our account. I looked over his shoulder while he was logging in and found out he had another account with the same provider which he had when he was married to ex-w and he had carried on using it. I was appalled. Not only was he spending her money (she must have noticed!) but also he was spending a lot. He wasn't happy I had caught him but said he felt she owed him that money because she hadn't paid the settlement over to him. SO I told him not to be so stupid and to seek it through the correct channels.

Then I noticed that he was spending a lot of money on my card going out. He said he was bored so he would go to the pub during the day and when I looked, he was spending a fortune, like on average £30 a day which is not sustainable long term. I took the card away and said I would have to give him cash every week because I couldn't trust him with it. THe issue being that he does shop for groceries, fill the car up for petrol in addition to the going out.

On Sunday, I notice he is using the old gambling account again. I tell him this time he is out and must leave. He pleads, cries, wails, says he will transfer the money and close it. I say fine, do that. He promises he has.

On Monday I look, and it's still there and he's transferred more money from her account into the gambling account. He does not know I have access to see it but I remember the log in.

Today he was meant to see the lawyer to sort out the money. He phones to say he has cancelled the appointment because I didn't leave him the card and he will be embarrassed if he has to pay. And he can't go the dentist and he has an abcess (he does) because I didn't leave him money. I can see he is hugely trying to guilt trip me.

I am so so so sad about this. I love him, he loves me. We have so much fun, the kids love him and vice versa....but I can't see any option but to ask him to leave now. I do not think I will EVER be able to trust him with money and I am starting to get concerned that his ex-w is going to come after me for this money he is taking out of her account to gamble with. This is the only issue we have. HIs friends like me, my friends like me, our families like each other - it's the first time I've been truly happy with a bloke and I think the feeling is mutual. Fgs!

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:28:12

forgot to say, the money he initially he had, he has spent that all. He can't have a bank account of his own because no bank will open one for him because he must have had major money issues in the past so this can't be a new thing....sad

Quitelikely Tue 01-Apr-14 14:33:04

Something just isn't adding up for me.

Is he addicted to gambo

Quitelikely Tue 01-Apr-14 14:33:46

Fat fingers!

Gambling?

Very, very bizarre that his ex hasn't noticed he is stealing m

RedRoom Tue 01-Apr-14 14:33:49

The lying and covering it up would be it for me, I'm afraid. If he doesn't have a job, he has no business spending your money like water on nights out and gambling.

Quitelikely Tue 01-Apr-14 14:34:04

M

Quitelikely Tue 01-Apr-14 14:34:30

I give up posting. But I meant money!

onetiredmummy Tue 01-Apr-14 14:34:55

I'm on my phone op so apologies for the short reply.

He can have a bank account, he can't have one with an overdraft but he can have a basic account. Barclays and the Co Op offer them and probably more. He has to open it in branch and they don't tend to advertise them , the co op one is called a Cashminder.

Until he deals with the gambling addiction you can't trust him, sorry .

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:35:49

yes I think he has a gambling issue (he must do)

the ex has been calling him a LOT. I imagine this must be why...she must have noticed surely

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 01-Apr-14 14:35:59

I can't see any option but to ask him to leave now. I do not think I will EVER be able to trust him with money

I think you've answered your own question there, sorry. sad Hopefully someone with more experience of financial & debt management will be able to advise. I would also take a look at your own gambling habits e.g. £50 per month is to me a large amount to spend on gambling in your current situation.

(unhelpful)

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Tue 01-Apr-14 14:36:57

Sorry but I think you are doing the right thing by splitting up - he is able to avoid confronting his problem while you are supporting him sad

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:37:18

thing is, it isn't only gambling. It's like money burns a hole in his pocket. So I said I would give him X£ a week but even he said the chances are that he will spend it all in one day...doesn't sound like he trusts himself even

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:38:01

sorry the £50 I was using as an example...it isn't that much...

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:38:43

(I mean it isn't £50 a month! Not that £50 isn't a lot)

Melonade Tue 01-Apr-14 14:40:43

He sounds like a conman. He is stealing from his ex wife and you should report it to the police.

You seem to be the next in possibly a line of women who have to give him money for some reason or another. Conmen are often very plausible and good company.

Can you contact his ex wife to get her version of events?

And not having a bank account? Come on!

Jan45 Tue 01-Apr-14 14:40:53

2 years and you're putting up with that? He sounds like a child, he also sounds like a selfish entitled twat, the ex owes him so he is effectively stealing off her and btw, he's stealing off you too, he sounds delightful.

Seriously OP, take off the rose tinted specs and get rid, it won't get better, he's a cock lodger and an addict to boot, if you're happy with that cos he makes you laugh then carry on but you'll never be really happy or be able to trust him.

Unbelievable that he thinks it's A ok to live off you.

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:43:51

I don't like it. It was fine when he was 'working' but now that he can't, it is getting difficult. So it hasn't been a problem for 2 years if that makes sense.

I would expect my partner to support me if I had a long term health issue and couldn't work but tbh, this is taking the piss. THere's a line and I think he has crossed it.

I did actually go with him to get a bank account. He's always had one for his businesses but even the banks that let him open an account for the business would not open one for him! I suppose that probably speaks volumes...so he wasn't bullshitting me on that as I did witness it when he tried (after the last business got sold).

Jan45 Tue 01-Apr-14 14:49:23

Yes it does speak volumes=he is never going to grow up and be an adult and give you an equal relationship.

BalloonSlayer Tue 01-Apr-14 14:51:27

I read the first 2 paragraphs and came over all Victoria Wood. Bold are my thoughts.

"He is the most fun loving, happy person" Drink "and we get on brilliantly." drinking "He loves the dc and they love him." Ah, a Happy drunk. "I work full time at the moment." funding his drinking

Then I read on:

"Ex-w was supposed to give dp a settlement " She's withheld it because he spent all her money when they were together, which is why they split up

Then

"Dp likes a flutter every now and then as do I" MAJOR gambling habit, probably picked you as a partner because he thought you wouldn't disapprove.

Carried on reading and I don't think my first impressions were wrong.

You need to get rid before he bleeds you dry.

Sorry sad

flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 01-Apr-14 14:54:07

NebNeb,

He's a cocklodger (they tend to go for single mums with children as well) and chancer who has taken you for a ride emotionally and financially. His gambling is an ongoing and huge problem which will ultimately destroy him and will also take you and your children down into that pit he's digging for himself. He's also taking money from his ex.

Have you ever seen a poor bookie?. Me neither.

You're basically acted as enabler now doling out money like his mother in terms of pocket money given to him. Enabling him as you have done does not work and only gives you a false sense of control.

Please do not give him any more chances; he is prioritising gambling above anything else and is hurting a lot of people into the bargain.
You have to put yourself and your children first and he needs to be completely out of your lives as of now.

NebNeb Tue 01-Apr-14 14:57:02

Thanks everyone. You are confirming what I think. Sometimes you actually just need people who aren't involved to tell you how it is!

I don't know why life can't just be easy for me sometimes. As if working full time and looking after dcs singlehandedly isn't enough!

RedRoom Tue 01-Apr-14 14:58:19

Stop giving him access to your money. He can't be trusted with it, he didn't earn it, it isn't his, he isn't spending it on things that enhance your lives- it's going on gambling and nights out/ alcohol. You, through kindness, are unwittingly supporting his inability to deal with his finances because you provide a safety net for him to fall back on.

RedRoom Tue 01-Apr-14 15:00:01

Also, spending money on your card on nights out is really not on when you are the sole worker with children to support.

Jan45 Tue 01-Apr-14 15:02:58

OP, your life will become a lot easier once you've got rid of this scrounger.

RedRoom Tue 01-Apr-14 15:03:49

Pps- sorry, I keep thinking of things! Wtf is he doing spending money gambling (at least three transactions) when he has a tooth abscess which he can't afford to get fixed unless you pay for it? He is a grown adult! I cannot standing sponging piss takers! How is his job hunt going??

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