AIBU - relationship, or lack there of with my dad

[Celestae]

I think this is the right place for this but if not, feel free to move me about lol.

I haven't lived with my dad since I was 10, shortly after mum and dad split up, mum and I moved to the south of the country, from the north. Despite this, mum and dad kept contact with each other strong for my benifit and my mum has always encouraged me to visit dad etc.

I am now 31 years of age, and it occurs to me that my dad hasn't actually made efforts to find how I am, or be much support for years.. It's always me phoning them to update them on my life, and the only contact made in the opposite direction is to remind me about my stepfamilies birthdays, weddings and to poke at how I don't make enough effort to remember these important dates of people who take no interest in my life at all.

Saturday was my dad's birthday, my step mum messaged and left a very short Facebook message or "dad's birthday yesterday!!"
I told them I had a card in the post then promptly posted one the same day.

A bit about my current situation should help to clarify the situation here... In 2 weeks I am about to have my second baby, I spent the last 24 hours on a heart monitor because my heart is not keeping rhythm and they are concerned about my up and coming labour.

The car has since Christmas cost us about £400 and my maternity pay took 2 months to come through so we have been living off of one wage, feeding our two children and living on a budget.

Last year I got my dad a hand inscribed tankard that I wrote a piece of writing on a scroll that explained what the Anglo Saxon poem on the tankard meant (I translated it myself)

This year I'm not sending a present. My dad is unaware of my current status, he knows I am pregnant but only because I told him

This is making me really sad.

So is this unreasonable? Should I be the bad guy because I forgot to get a card in the post on time?

[onetiredmummy]

No you shouldn't be the bad guy but if they don't know about your heart arrythmia (sp) or how serious it is then equally they would feel entitled to contact you to remind you about his birthday & would be wondering whether you just forgot & they might be pissed off.

Obviously there are reasons why you're not close to your dad or step mum & that's why they don't know all the details about your pregnancy, so just put them out of your mind. If you have money worries on top of health issues then you can disregard people who don't mean that much to you at the moment. The card is sent, phone him if you want otherwise refuse to feel bad.

Perhaps when you have a bit more time, think about whether you want to keep contacting them?

[CailinDana]

No of course not. My parents are pretty detached and useless and I only send gifts/cards if I remember and can be bothered. They wouldn't dare confront me on it as they know that if they criticise me I take that as open license to criticise them and they absolutely do not want to shatter the illusion that everything is hunky dory. It sounds like your dad and sm are similar - happy to "perform" happy families by sending cards etc but useless when it comes to actual support.

What helped me is to accept their shitness (as much as possible) and to detach and refuse to feel guilty. If anything was openly said about my lack of engagement I'd go apeshit.

[Celestae]

Thank you both for your responses. I'm feeling much better about it all today. Maybe it was just a hormone wobble lol