Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need an exit plan

9 replies

EatYourWords · 31/03/2014 22:28

I've name changed for this one

Long term issues. Married/together a total of 20 years. We've had issues and problems. He's had an affair. We've never really recovered from that - he hasn't made an effort.

Tonight - when I called or help, nicely, I was in the hall dealing with a mouse that I'd caught (bloody ginger Tom - that's another thread though) - he was watching tv/football next door. Door between s closed. I called a few times - quietlyish as dd upstairs asleep.

All I heard was "fuck off"

Reluctantly tried to help by opening front door for me.

I dealt with mouse.

Then I went back in to front room and said in a level tone "so, really?"

He coughed and spluttered (getting over a cold). Clearly sidestepping issue. I said I'm not looking to argue but does he really think its ok to say that to me?

He's gone to bed ......

We have a 10 year old dd. I really don't want to upset her world but this can't go on can it?

I'm name changing back - just wanted to record this somewhere really.

Thankyou for reading.

Feel sad. Very very sad.

OP posts:

Report

Handywoman · 31/03/2014 22:41

I think the answer is no... it can't go on go see a solicitor, speak to tax credits peeps. Keep posting so sorry

Report

Amicus1966 · 31/03/2014 22:50

I think the moment I realised my marriage was over was when we were having a disagreement about something and he called me a twat
Fair enough, it's not the worst thing I have been called but because it came from him I knew immediately that we were done.
Once your partner starts to call you names / tells you to F off then the respect has gone and its game over really.

Report

FolkGirl · 01/04/2014 07:15

I wish I'd had the guts to call time the first time my exH called me a "fucking cunt" and a "wanker".

I didn't. It got worse and worse and we ended up seperating anyway. But years later when I had had 10 more years of lots of sadness, tears, fear and unhappiness.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. But that's my experience of it.

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/04/2014 09:08

Sometimes it's the relatively trivial thing that proves to be the last straw. Sounds like your relationship was holed below the waterline when he had the affair and has been slowly sinking ever since. How long ago did that happen? I'm sure your 10yo already realises that you have problems. For all you know, she wasn't asleep upstairs but heard the whole thing.

Report

mammadiggingdeep · 01/04/2014 09:35

Yes, I agree, the 'fuck off you idiot' and 'fuck you's' were the end for me too...and the cheating :( it all goes hand in hand sometimes. Disrespect.

It can't go on. You deserve better.

I used to stand there and think ' no one else in this world would talk to me like that. Nobody.' Think about it, any of your friends would've been laughing with you, chasing the mouse around. It would've been a funny little story to tell the next day. Your neighbours would've helped. Your family. The mums at the school gate. His response? Fuck off.

So maybe you ought to tell him you've thought about it and actually, you are going to fuck off, for good.

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/04/2014 10:38

That's a really good test mammadiggingdeep.... who else would talk to you like that? I always frame it that, if some random stranger walked into your home and spoke to you the same way, would you find it acceptable? And if it's not acceptable from a stranger, why would it be acceptable from someone who, after all, is supposed to hold you most dear? In the case of the mouse, the OP could probably have flagged down a random stranger and got a better response...

Report

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2014 10:47

Oh bless you.
It's so hard to recover from an affair, especially with no effort from the person who cheated.
I knew after a day or 2 of taking mine back that I couldn't do it.
You've given it your best by the sounds of it.
You cannot fix a relationship on your own. It takes two people.
You know your deal breakers and I think you have now reached the point of no return.
Look into finances. Do you work? Is the house mortgaged? If so is it in both names?
Get some legal advice. Call CAB and CSA and see where you would stand if you separated.
Get some bank statements, wage slips and other vital paperwork together.
I really do feel for you. We split when my DD was 11.

Report

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/04/2014 11:51

same here. Once it reaches that point, all respect is gone and you're essentially over IMO.