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Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

(392 Posts)
Onmyownwith4kids Mon 31-Mar-14 17:10:59

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take �10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

kentishgirl Mon 31-Mar-14 17:26:15

Not much, no. Don't panic. Go and see the solicitor. Worst case realistically is shared residency of children (possibly).

mammadiggingdeep Mon 31-Mar-14 17:31:20

Do not panic. It won't help anything. Get yourself proper advice but I doubt very much he will even WANT to have full custody. He's throwing his toys out the pram and saying what he knows will hurt you.

Stay strong. Stay focused

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 31-Mar-14 17:40:06

Oh let him try!

And remember, even Paul McCartney didn't get more than 50/50 with all his money and fancy lawyers.

MorrisZapp Mon 31-Mar-14 17:44:29

Custody of your kids with his affair partner? Oh sure, they both want that. Not!

He's just saying the worst things he can think of, to upset you.

Unless he's their primary carer at present he has no chance, and anyway custody doesnt exist any more. It's about residence for the kids.

Thetallesttower Mon 31-Mar-14 18:09:59

As everyone is saying, don't panic, you are seeing a solicitor tomorrow and I don't think giving up his job now would make any difference if he hasn't been the primary carer to date (I stand to be corrected).

Amicus1966 Mon 31-Mar-14 18:20:56

The parent who has been the main carer usually gets to be the RP but he could go for 50:50.
Doubt it though. Has he made an effort to see the DCs whilst with OW?
Shouldn't think she shares his plans.

fedupbutfine Mon 31-Mar-14 18:22:27

there is a need to be careful here before saying 'no way'. What are the current arrangements for the children? how old are the children?

Please do take care with how you now proceed with things. Don't let him upset you and don't take anything he says at face value - get good legal advice and/or have a look at on the internet. Courts don't generally award the residence of children to a father and his new girlfriend because they are a 'family' and the ex is now a' single mum', for example (this is something a lot of men in particular seem to believe and you will see a lot of reference on step parenting forums to the ex being 'just' a 'single mum') and giving up his job before he has secured residence of his children will not be looked upon as something reasonable to have done (unless you are an alcoholic or otherwise will struggle to parent in some way so he needs to be there for the children because you can't).

Assuming your children are quite young (under 12) and you have been a stay at home mum or work part-time and/or have done the bulk of the childcare and childcare arrangements, and that you are, to all intents and purposes entirely mentally and physically healthy (nothing to suggest you might struggle on your own with the children), it is highly unlikely an attempt to secure residence would be won in court. And a half decent solicitor will tell him this. However, that doesn't mean to say he will speak to a half decent solicitor, or follow a half decent solicitor's advice, nor does it mean he won't tell a solicitor a pack of lies about you and your married life together (which is what my ex did to get me into court) to get into court.

Things might work out a little different with older children who will essentially be allowed to live where they want, assuming your ex is as capable as you are of caring for them.

It is normal to make this kind of threat when relationships breakdown so do what you can to rise above it and please, whatever you do, don't threaten him back. You need to be particularly careful to never say anything along the lines of not letting him see the children as this will, ultimately, be used against you if he does start carrying out his threats. And few new partners - particularly affair partners - want the care of the children as it will play havoc with their relationship.

Odds are in your favour - just see it as a game you are now in for the long haul. Get good advice, have a good friend to support you and be careful what you say in distress and/or anger. It will all work out in the end.

Onmyownwith4kids Mon 31-Mar-14 18:22:49

He's hardly seen them says he's been "building his new relationship" they don't even ask about him any more. He wants to introduce them to her on I have to let him..They don't want to see her

CocktailQueen Mon 31-Mar-14 18:26:24

Oh, wow OP. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Agree with the others - get yourself some good legal advice!

How old are your dc? I don;t think you have to let them meet OW, no - not if they haven't seen their father for ages! He should spend some time with them rebuilding his relationship with them before he thinks about introducing them to his bit on the side.

Hugs, OP.

aegeansky Mon 31-Mar-14 18:28:05

He is being a dick. I'm a divorced male single parent, with amicable arrangements made for the joint care of our child via a city law firm specialising in non-combative negotiation around these things. My child has two 'main' homes - that sound silly but it just means that neither parent has more say in how he is brought up and we exactly divide his time between the two houses. The reason why my ex-wife didn't contest this whatever is that I was the primary carer of our son for several long periods amounting to more than 5 years. There is no way in a million years that your ex will get custody of your kids with his affair partner. I hope he has gazillions of quid to piss down the legal pan fighting the case - or actually not - this is money that you should be getting as a settlement. What a tosser.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 31-Mar-14 18:28:37

It comes down to what is in the best interests of the children. If they don't want to meet OW then that's enough for them not to meet her.

How old are your DCs? You will have a clearer head once you get legal advice.

I'm sorry you've been/are going through such a rotten time thanks

dunfightin Mon 31-Mar-14 18:31:15

How old are the DCs? When did he last see them?
As they get older their views begin to count.
Although, if your user name is right you could scare the bejeezus out of ow by filling them up with sugary drinks and letting all four of them go wild. That'll give the pair of them a bit of a wake up call! grin

mrscynical Mon 31-Mar-14 18:33:42

I don't think a man who is not working and looking after your kids full time will be quite so alluring to the OW. If he has discussed all this with her (possibly not) then she is probably wanting out herself right now - or will do when she gives really gives it some thought.

My ex said all this at the start of the divorce but soon dropped it. He is fuming you don't want him back so is trying to upset you. Men hate rejection even more than women.

It won't happen.

Onmyownwith4kids Mon 31-Mar-14 19:03:41

children are 12, 7,6 and 4. My 12 and 7 year old were very upset when their father asked them if they'd like to meet his pretty girlfriend. I'm devastated by this. He's been awful, betrayed me and lied and now dragging the children in to it. I'm so upset

olathelawyer05 Mon 31-Mar-14 20:12:15

If the kids have lived with you since separation, the chances of a court now handing residence over to him are slim to none.

The matrimonial finance is less certain however. The deed of separation would in effect count as a post - nuptial agreement. The relevant considerations and prospects for that being strictly upheld are similar (with a few differences) to a pre-nup. Was there independent legal advice? Is it actually realistic or does it in fact just leave one party destitute whilst leaving the other with a disproportionately larger share? etc etc.

olathelawyer05 Mon 31-Mar-14 20:20:51

"....Men hate rejection even more than women."

Oh behave.

Logg1e Mon 31-Mar-14 20:42:26

Is there someone who could give your children some moral support? An auntie or uncle or similar friend of yours?

Lweji Mon 31-Mar-14 20:47:39

If you go for 50/50, that's all he'll get.
It's not even as if he has been the SAHP so far, is it?

And I bet he won't.

In any case, you can raise your concerns about how he's handling it all with the children to the GP and ask for counselling support for them. It sounds terrible.

nkf Mon 31-Mar-14 20:51:53

Mine made all those kinds of threats. It's bluffing. It's why can't things go my way and wah wah wah. Don't panic.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 31-Mar-14 20:54:04

In my experience these sort of threats are designed to scare and bully you - I very much doubt he wants custody but he does want to make you suffer.

onedayatatimeLondon Tue 01-Apr-14 00:50:04

I am so sorry to hear what an idiot he is being. As everyone else has said don't worry and get some legal advice. My ex still threatens to do this from time to time but I've learnt its just an empty threat because it his way of annoying me because there is little else he can do these days - a misguided strategy really because I know there is no way he would want to take responsibility for ds and dd full time. He is too busy being joyful and playful with his gf (yes he really did give that as his reason for leaving)

I know it feels really hard right now but believe me you can get through it. I decided what I wanted and made sure I got it. 3 years on the kids and I have moved on, are closer than ever and I have met someone who puts me and our kids first. Hang in there

PlantsAndFlowers Tue 01-Apr-14 01:32:49

Don't worry. He's living in fantasy land if he hasn't been the main carer until now.

Onmyownwith4kids Tue 01-Apr-14 01:44:04

Thanks so much for all your responses it really helps. Love the excuse of man who left to be 'joyful and playful with his girlfriend' where do these men get this stuff! I 've decided to rise above it all. I work full time but have always done the bulk of childcare as well. He has them some afternoons while I work but has been too busy with important appointments ( gym and girlfriend) he 's off work after the stress of me kicking him out caused a mental breakdown. Anyway he 's just been here. Had a big hissy fit saying he loves me but I drove him to his affair so he has no option but to have her. It's true I won 't take him back. I can't get over the deceit but I feel guilty about that now as he says my stubbornness and inability to forgive has broken up our marriage. I am so grateful to purple who've been through this and posted from their perspective. It makes me feel less alone. I have lovely friends but all happily married and it makes me feel like a failure. Nearly 2am. Can 't sleep. Will be knackered for the school run! Divorce is awful. Hope this is the beginning of a better life.

Monty27 Tue 01-Apr-14 01:45:37

I think any judge, or agencies would view his plan as unrealistic and irresponsible. Don't let him threaten you like this.

Best of luck OP x

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