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This relationship cannot end in marriage, but what will the family think?

(101 Posts)
SilverMoonPickup Mon 31-Mar-14 10:09:50

Been engaged for 2 months. Supposed to be getting married next July but all we do is argue. Deep down we're probably not suited to one another and I think as time goes on we're liking each other less and less - although this only comes out in an argument.

We had a massive argument on Saturday regarding taking each others phone off charge to charge up our own (seriously) and a host of other non-issues that screamed out "we're simply not getting on."

He's older than me and is a 'boss' at work and I think he likes to bring that role home with him (although he says this is not true and I imagine that he's controlling). I can't really have an opinion on anything without him saying "I've done all this before so I know what I'm talking about, you don't!". This stretches from the mortgage to the refurbishing of the bathroom to laying the laminate flooring last night - anything I say is met with "you forget I've done all this before!". I'll just shut up then and play the good little wife in the corner shall I?

God it's so frustrating. I dread the planning of anything because it's always met with sarcasm or a superior voice. I've restarted working full time since October and last week received another paycheck with a stupid amount of money taken off for tax, NI and pension. I had a little moan and he laughs and shouts "welcome to the world of work!" how patronising!! I have worked before you know! I'm entitled to a moan now and again, doesn't mean I don't understand how economics work. We're going to a festival in July, I was looking up various things to take and he's stood behind me saying "nope, that's no good. No, you don't want that. No, I can find something better than that, remember I've done this festival many times before, I know what I'm on about." Oh fuck off with it all then.

Holidays are the same.

My poor rabbit is stuck in a hutch outside on her own because everytime I look into buying her a big hutch and introducing another friend for her he says "no that hutch is crap, I could make a miles better one." well do it then!!!!

I needed new shoes for work, my feet are killing and I told him I was going to buy some work crocs. as recommended. He says "no they're so expensive! I can find you some cheaper, leave it with me!" - a month later - "I need those shoes?" "yep, I'm on it, leave it with me". 3 months later "you found those shoes yet?" "damn just got outbidded by 20p, leave it with me." just let me buy the fucking shoes???!!! 6 months later, my feet are a mess and I buy the shoes myself. A whole £15 more than he wanted to pay. £15 for 6 months of uncomfortable shoes.

Don't get me wrong, I have many faults too but I'm sure there are people out there we're both better suited to. I want to be with someone who views me as an equal, someone I can make joint decisions with and not worry about what subjects I bring up incase it causes an argument. I know we won't get married and if we do it will be to please everyone else. I also know we'll stay together for a couple of years because 50% of the time we're great together so I just feel like I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to hang on to it for a couple of more years because despite everything, I would miss him but another part of me wants to just leave and get out of it now. It's so stressful living here.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 31-Mar-14 10:13:21

Right, having read this thread it sheds a whole load of light on your one about your son.

You need to ditch this man immediately, because he is abusive and nasty. Why the fuck would you even have a discussion with him about buying shoes??

Your poor son, having to live with this arsehole and a mother who just rolls over and does as she's told by him. No wonder his behaviour is hideous.

End this relationship.

meiisme Mon 31-Mar-14 10:15:11

It sounds like he doesn't respect you, doesn't care about your well-being an does not take you serious at all. I wouldn't marry him either. What the family thinks is really not important. Feeling a bit embarrassed by telling them you're through is a lot less painful than living in this kind of relationship for the rest of your life.

tribpot Mon 31-Mar-14 10:19:30

I want to be with someone who views me as an equal

Well, there you go. This one doesn't. Move on.

Buy your own shoes, buy your own hutch.

notapizzaeater Mon 31-Mar-14 10:22:11

Don't get married, you're right you are not suited.

Grow a pair and buy the hutch

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 31-Mar-14 10:24:38

What did you learn exactly about relationships when you were growing up?.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Of course it is bloody stressful living with this man because he is an abuser of women. Such men hate women too, all of them. Another few years of this will break you completely; it is far easier to get away from him now and live a far happier life without him in it.

Forget what your family think here; what do you think?. You know this is not going anywhere now. This whole relationship is a sham, you're miserable unsurprisingly and he is abusive to boot. If you did marry him then it would be pure selfishness on your part to do so as well as fallacy to put yourself through more misery and a divorce after more years of same. Staying with him any longer is selfish on your part; you get nothing really out of this relationship at all do you?. Why do you state you would miss him?. Is he all you think you deserve?.

This is your future life with him married as well. He will continue to abuse and belittle you; a ring will not change him. The last thing you need is him in your life and I do not think you would miss him at all once you have parted ways.

Also your family do not see the realities of living with him day to day as you have and do.

I would suggest you talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can help you to leave.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 31-Mar-14 10:27:41

The whole point of courting/engagement is to work out whether this relationship will work. Yours clearly doesn't. Your family aren't in your relationship so don't count. If they like him so much then let them marry him. He sounds like a complete nightmare.

longtallsally2 Mon 31-Mar-14 10:28:10

Yy to the above, but what about your title. You seem to be under pressure from your family - but don't mention them in your post at all.

Look online for the Freedom Programme from WA - see how you can free yourself from the abuse that you are suffering here, and maybe how you don't have to feel obliged to please your family too. You have one life. Don't settle for second best here.

Make a new start and when you have take 10 minutes out to sit down with your son and talk to him about how your ex's abusive behaviour has been bad for you all, and that you will all be making a fresh start . . . .

And keep posting. There are many wise MNetters who have broken free of such relationships and who have managed difficult and unhappy teens on here, who will hold your hand as you forge a new path in life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 31-Mar-14 10:34:55

Don't waste another day of your life on something that is only 50% (and I think you're overestimating that). If you're being treated like an idiot and you know there's no future in it, cut your losses and get yourself out. You're a single woman. The world is your oyster.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 31-Mar-14 10:35:56

BTW... who cares what the family think? hmm Any family that actually wanted you to saddle yourself with an abusive partner would not be a family worth having.

SilverMoonPickup Mon 31-Mar-14 10:38:26

I really hope I don't come across as being dumb and in denial here but where is the abuse? He doesn't hit me and although he moans and complains etc I know I could go out and buy the shoes/hutch etc if I wanted to. I just wouldn't because of the shit storm it would create but he doesn't physically stop me from doing so.

I feel so confused to be honest because everyone always goes on about what a great bloke he is. He's funny, hard working, will do anything for anyone but it's the sarcasm etc once the doors close and nobody else is around.

And in arguments - oh my god I he frustrates me to the point that I often get a flash of "smack him!!" going through my head and I'm NOT a violent person.

Example of one of our arguments -

him - you were trying to assert your authority by unplugging my phone and plugging yours in.

me - "no I wasn't!! my phone was almost dead and you came in and took it off charge to plug your own in! that's so rude"

him - "rude? rude? hmm ... rude. It's "rude" is it? ok so it's "rude" .... "rude ... "

me - "ffs, yes it's rude to just take someones phone out when they're charging it! so I swapped them again."

him - "rude .... it's "rude" .... "so I'm ... "rude ... " hmm well I'm learning quite abit about you now, didn't think you were as controlling and selfish as this. But I'm ... rude .... "

Honestly I wanted to punch him.

Lovingfreedom Mon 31-Mar-14 10:40:21

Don't marry the guy...you said it yourself in the thread title. Good luck

TheVictorian Mon 31-Mar-14 10:41:36

SilverMoonPickup From what you have said how accurate are the suggestions he makes eg its better this way ect?

rockybalboa Mon 31-Mar-14 10:42:01

He sounds like an absolute arse. I can't see how your family would prefer you to stay with him than cut him loose and start afresh. Just get rid of him ASAP before the wedding gets any closer. Do you have kids together?

Thetallesttower Mon 31-Mar-14 10:43:37

He won't change, so why would you sign up for another 40 years of belittling and criticism?

Lovingfreedom Mon 31-Mar-14 10:43:45

I agree with others there is abuse (it doesn't have to be physical) and as well as that he sounds petty, self important and boring. Please don't marry him. If other people think he's great let one of them marry him.

MorrisZapp Mon 31-Mar-14 10:48:06

Oh good god, why would you marry a total miserly, whingeing old tosser like this? He is hideous. Buy your own shoes, tell him to fuck off.

Other people think he's funny? So what? Theyre not living with him. And there's a kid involved too.

Just get rid. He will not change or improve, if you marry him he'll get ten times worse.

SilverMoonPickup Mon 31-Mar-14 10:51:56

I don't know how accurate he is because we never get that far.

With the mortgage - we started to discuss it, he suddenly went on the defensive saying that I was accusing him of lying because I questioned something he'd said and snapped that he knew what he was doing. It all got done without my input in the end so I have no idea.

The shoes, obviously he was wrong about that because 6 months later he still hadn't come up with any.

The hutch - he's wrong about that because he'll never have time do to build me one.

The festival, no idea because I doubt I'll get chance to organise anything myself so it will just be all his way - so we'll never know who's way was better.

The bathroom - same. We'll just do it his way.

The flooring - no idea, he'll do it his way and if it goes tits up he'll simply say that it was my idea to do it like that and if we'd done it his way to start with it would have gone right. I don't retain the details of every little conversation so i'll have no idea who suggested what originally but no doubt it will all be my fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 31-Mar-14 10:53:52

Domestic abuse is not just physical abuse. Bullying, controlling behaviour designed to goad, intimidate, or manipulate is categorised as domestic abuse. You are clearly not a weak or stupid person & you may feel as though you give as good as you get and do what you want, but the fact that you adjust your behaviour in order to avoid a 'shit storm' is 100% proof that you are being manipulated by his bullying behaviour. Being a victim of abuse is stressful.

TheVictorian Mon 31-Mar-14 10:55:00

SilverMoonPickup What are his positive qualities ?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 31-Mar-14 10:56:36

He sounds a cock.

Please- why did you wait 6 months to buy your own shoes though?? Were you scared of his reaction if you didn't let him get them??? With regards to the hutch- why don't you do what you want with your rabbit??

Don't think you should marry him, no.

AMumInScotland Mon 31-Mar-14 10:59:40

Question: "Where is the abuse?"

Answer: "I just wouldn't because of the shit storm it would create"

This is controlling and abusive behaviour in a nutshell.

He doesn't hit you, because he doesn't have to. He can keep you under his thumb by simply making it unpleasant for you to face his reaction if you try to get out from under it.

Honestly, take yourself and your child out of this situation. It doesn't matter if other people think the sun shines out of his arse. They aren't the ones who are ending up feeling that they can't do the simplest things in her own life for fear of the conseqences.

LtEveDallas Mon 31-Mar-14 11:02:06

I really hope I don't come across as being dumb and in denial here but where is the abuse

Emotional Abuse - walking on eggshells, going along with things just so he doesn't blow up, goading you into losing your temper, controlling you by telling you his way is better, gaslighting, making you doubt yourself.

Dear God don't marry him. Get your child away from him. Don't let it go on for 2 more years.

SilverMoonPickup Mon 31-Mar-14 11:02:51

Positive qualities - we do have a laugh and he does a lot for me and the kids but I struggle at the moment to think of anything else.

I remember one time he'd been a bastard to me after a drink and the next day bought me some flowers. They were dying, presumably been sold off for a quid or something in asda. He left them in a vase in the living room and I actually laughed when I saw them. You seen, one of the thing I always complained about my ex was that he'd only ever buy me things that were severely reduced in price, knackered, dead or dying. I once joked that I wouldn't dare ask him for a puppy or similar as I'd end up with one that was on its way out as it was reduced or "a bargain."

And then again, that's what I get from my current partner, a man on a good salary with an excellent career, business trips to China and all expenses paid "business meetings" in restaurants and establishments world wide ... a bunch of dying flowers. That's what I'm worth.

MysweetAudrina Mon 31-Mar-14 11:03:22

You don't seem to value your own opinion at all. There is no way my dh would get involved in my buying a pair of shoes. I see a pair I like, if I can afford them I buy them. It is nothing to do with him likewise I dont give an opinion on his shoes. If your rabbit needs a hutch just go and get one. Why are you placing so much importance on what he thinks. It is not healthy. Certain decisions need to be discussed and agreed on but but of you need to have a voice and be able to express your opinion. Even if he has experience and knows what he is talking about you still get a say you still have an opinion. He sounds like a bully who has to be right and who's self worth is tied up in knowing better and being right. He is walking all over you and you are letting him. Dont ask for his opinion on things that dont concern him.

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