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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

anyone up? anyone at all?

188 replies

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:41

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

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Report

ThePigOfHappiness · 31/03/2014 04:43

I'm here. Handholding. How terrible for you. X

exiledmancityfan · 31/03/2014 04:44

I'm here. That's complete shit hand holding here x

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:45

Thank you. It's fucking shit. I can't believe he's willing to throw it all away.

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avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:47

It's someone at work. He says they have a 'connection'. I found out because he has a fucking lovebite.

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KeatsiePie · 31/03/2014 04:53

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:54

I don't know what to do. Whether to try and get him to stay or kick him out. He seems to think he can stay on the sofa indefinitely while he works out what to do.

It's just so out of character. He's not like that, I trusted him completely. I even laughed when I saw the lovebite, like 'haha that's a weird bruise, it looks like a lovebite, how did you get that?' Then watched him lie very badly.

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TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 31/03/2014 04:59

He definitely has to go even if it's only temporary. He needs to learn that actions have consequences.

As for the next few hours, I would probably give up on trying to sleep, make some tea and toast, read mumsnet, get the kids off to school and then have a good fall apart.

Do you have anyone in real life who can be with you today??

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 05:04

Thank you. I had a good cry down the phone to my best friend last night, she left me feeling much stronger (or maybe it was the entire bottle of wine I downed while talking to her). Then I came to bed and fell apart. But she is miles and miles away. In RL all my local friends are more school gate mum friends, iyswim. Nobody close. But I have people I could call later on.

I'm supposed to be volunteering at school later. Fuck.

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avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 05:07

If I force him.to go I'm worried he'll go to her. He says they haven't slept together, though I'm not sure if I believe him.

If I was reading this I'd be saying LTB. I can't believe it's come to this.

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exiledmancityfan · 31/03/2014 05:08

OMG the lovebite seems to be a deliberate act on her side to tell you something was going on. I xan only assume that she got fed up of waiting for hm to do it. He does, however, have to move out whilst you both decide what you want to do. It maybe him that's cheated but you get a say in what happens in your relationship from now on and you need the space away from him. Can he go on a "business" trip and stay in a hotel for the rest of the week?

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 31/03/2014 05:10

Unless you think it will take your mind off things, cancel the volunteering, you don't need to put yourself through that.

I think there is always the worry that if you ask them to leave they'll go straight to the OW but he could do that anyway. And if he does then it tells you everything you need to know. If he's genuinely serious about saving your marriage then he won't. And at least you then know where you stand....

KeatsiePie · 31/03/2014 05:10

While he works out what to do?!

Yes, I think he should go, for now, while you work out what to do.

And I agree you need some space. Can you cancel the volunteering, just get the kids to school (say you have a headache etc. if they wonder why you are down) and then have a quiet day at home?

You might want to get this moved to Relationships. There are generally a lot of posters there who have been through this. Some stayed in their marriages, some did not, but they will all have helpful perspectives and good practical advice. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 05:12

I said the same about the lovebite. He said 'she's not like that'

I suggested he stay at a friends, he doesn't want to. Though I'm sure I could force the issue. Then I might take the kids to my sister's for the easter holidays.

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exiledmancityfan · 31/03/2014 05:16

No I'm sure she's not and I bet she listens to him and really understands him as well

Cancel the volunteering if you can and just fall apart at home I would make up some appointment that can't be moved and spend the day in bed with some tissues. Sleep will come eventually.

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 05:22

Dunno if I can cancel the volunteering, it's a local trip, they might be an adult short if I don't go... but it's this afternoon at least, it will force me to think about something else.

will ask for this to be moved to relationships, good idea.

I actually don't know if he wants to save.our marriage. I mean, he wasn't begging my.forgiveness. But he muttwred something about working it out for the kids. I said I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. He couldn't answer.

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Toadsrevisited · 31/03/2014 05:29

I'm here too. Having the Easter holidays away sounds like a good idea for you to have some space and support. Will be thinking of you today.

KeatsiePie · 31/03/2014 05:40

I think what might be best is if you can spend some of the day thinking about what you need to know from him and what you need at the moment re: space, time. (It's okay that those needs will probably change, you do not owe him any answers about what will happen in the long term.) If you can do that thinking on the field trip then good.

Once you have a sense of what you need for the next night or two, you can tell him. If you need to be alone in the house, then he will have to go elsewhere. If you want him gone by the time you get home from the field trip, or if you want him to leave after dinner, you can tell him that.

I would make sure that you have access to money, that he can't transfer all your shared funds elsewhere.

When you are ready to hear about what happened and how he feels, you can tell him it's time for him to sit down and tell you the entire truth. I'm so sorry in advance that you will have to hear it.

I really think, other than making absolutely sure that you're financially secure for the short term, you can take this day by day. He can stay elsewhere for as long as you need. He can wait until you're ready to talk, he can wait until you're ready to make decisions.

Glad you can go to your sister's soon.

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 05:54

Thank you. That helps, I like to have a plan

I think I want him to go, but I don't want him to see her. But is it the wrong thing to do to tell him not to see her? I mean outside of the fact they work in the same office all day anyway... Will it just push them together if I go around making ultimatums?

Financially we're screwed... we barely make ends meet as it is..I have a bit of money due soon from some freelance work I did which I will now keep back rather than putting it in the family pot.

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KeatsiePie · 31/03/2014 06:08

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear that, it's so shitty for this to happen when you're already struggling to make ends meet. I mean, of course it is shitty anyway, but I feel like it's just so hard when you have to worry about money while you're dealing with this kind of emotional devastation. We have no extra money either, and if something happened to cause us to separate I would be really stressed about money, so I really empathize. But good that you can make sure you have a little to yourself.

I honestly would consider transferring whatever you think you might need from the joint account into your own. If he moves out for a while, you'll have to pay the bills and buy the groceries, and while in the long term you can make legal arrangements about that, in the near term you don't want to be short.

Re: telling him not to see her. It occurred to me that if you don't want him to see her, you could tell him that he has to go but if he goes to her place then it's all over as you'll know he doesn't care about your marriage at all. You could say that it may well be over anyway but if he goes to her he puts the nail in the coffin. But I don't know if that will work. He might just lie.

I feel like (and I'm sorry I don't have more knowledge but I am sometimes on the Rel. board and this seems right, and if you get this moved people there will have experience) you can't control what he does so the way to think is that you can control what you do in response. I would hate having to think that way but you already know that you are now in a place where you can't anticipate reasonable upfront behavior from him. If he does go to her, please don't feel like you pushed them together. He already did this without you pushing him to do it. Whatever he does, it won't be your fault.

Financeprincess · 31/03/2014 06:23

Sorry that this has happened, Avocado.

Agree that he needs to go. He may go to the other woman's house for sympathy. He needs to know that what he's done isn't acceptable; then you can decide whether you'll have him back, and on what terms.

Was he apologetic at all?

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 06:25

Thank you, you have been so kind. You're right, I guess he will do what he wants anyway. But I will tell him, if he wants any chance of saving this I don't want him to see her.

It's funny, the one thing I know is this is not my fault. He has been really stressed at work lately, in a new team, and I have been completely supportive, listening to him, doing all the house stuff, kid stuff etc. So when he said to me 'I want you to know it's nothing you've done' I categorically said 'I KNOW'.

It's just so predictable but he can't seem to see it for what it is. Very stressful job, long hours, thrown together, a pretty girl looks up to him.because he's the boss and there you.go. It's pathetic.

And yet... I love him. He's always been a brilliant dad, and a great husband. We've been together for 15 years. Pretty much my whole adult life.

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avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 06:29

Cross posts... he was apologetic, he said he was sorry, didn't mean for it to happen etc. But he didn't beg me to take him.back.

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avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 06:38

I have a 3 year old in bed with me now. That helps

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KeatsiePie · 31/03/2014 06:50

I'm so so glad you know that.

People say that when people cheat they follow a script re: how it happens, what they say re: why it happened, when they apologize, when they lie, etc. I would never have believed it but it does seem to go in the same way so often.

Of course you love him. I know working things out after an affair is about as hard as it gets. But some people achieve it, it might be possible for you, and if it's not, you will be okay and you will have tons of support on here.

Three year old sounds lovely

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 10:30

Dropped kids off. Trying to sleep but I can't. Spoke to him briefly this morning and told him he can't stay at the house. I also said he needs to decide what he wants, and that I can't say at the moment whether there is any hope of us getting over this and staying together, but that if he sees her again (outside of fucking work) then it will definitely be over.

He didn't really say much, just that he didn't want to hurt me and he was confused. Sent me a bullshit text about what an amazing mother I was. The kids were lovely this morning and I find I can cope when they are around, it's just on my own I fall apart.

Have asked for this to be moved to relationships. Thanks everyone for the support in the early hours, it really did help.

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