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Does no sex mean an affair?

(22 Posts)
Madwoman44 Mon 31-Mar-14 00:29:42

Don't gasp but we have only had sex 5 times in 7 years. It's like living with a friend. He works hard but drinks excessively and I suspect his libido has fallen down. Affair or should I leave? Three kids.. 14,10,7

Wrapdress Mon 31-Mar-14 00:59:49

Affair, gay, medical problem, not attracted to you... Something is off - I mean there is low libido and everything, but 5 times in 7 years?? Yikes! Does he care?

Dirtybadger Mon 31-Mar-14 01:10:46

If he drinks a lot then that may be your problem. But I doubt it is "the" problem. If you suspect an affair, I'm sure there are many more problems. And alcoholism is a problem with or without sex.

Dirtybadger Mon 31-Mar-14 01:12:57

Errrr I just re-read your post and it has occurred to me you may be asking if you should have ah affair. If that's the case; no. Leave him. Then what you do is your business. And what he does is his.

Madwoman44 Mon 31-Mar-14 07:35:47

I've tried talking to him about it. He insists no affair and to be honest it doesn't fit his personality. Drinking is an issue . Fairly sure he doesn't fancy me anymore but there is affection between us. Enough to stay together? We have three kids and I have to put then first although I do need answers. Am thinking of getting him followed. This all sounds nuts, right ?

mammadiggingdeep Mon 31-Mar-14 08:16:26

How is the relationship? Are you close? Do you cuddle up on sofa etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 31-Mar-14 08:40:13

Putting your kids first doesn't mean martyring yourself. hmm How great a life do they actually have with a rejected & unhappy mother who can't trust their alcoholic father? What kind of example is it setting? Age 14, 10 and 7 they'll look at their friends' families and they'll know that theirs is abnormal. It's not a great way to grow up.

magpiegin Mon 31-Mar-14 08:43:20

You need to try and talk again. You say you have tried to talk to him, but have you specifically asked him why he doesn't want to have sex? Are you trying to initiate sex?

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 31-Mar-14 08:58:35

As someone who was in a sexless relationship for 4 years - and I mean NO sex in four years, and not much for the 2 years before that - I advise you to leave, and leave NOW.

My partner didn't have a drink problem, she just had an incredibly low libido and sex was not important for her. There was more sex at the beginning and then it waned (as is apparently fairly normal) but once it started to wane it dropped off very quickly.

Attempts to discuss were met with "sex just isn't very important for me, it doesn't mean I don't love you". I stayed for several years, wasted half my 30s in this situation and my self esteem plummeted and I felt very alone and unloved with this lack of intimacy (which gradually extended to a distinct lack of cuddles and kisses too). When it finally came to the end and I said I was leaving my partner actually admitted she used sex at the beginning to 'get' me, really had pretty much no libido, let alone a low one, and knew that if I loved her I would 'put up with it'.

PLEASE leave now.

Madwoman44 Mon 31-Mar-14 12:58:18

This is crazy, I know.
I do love him and thinkhe loves me. There are no cuddles on the sofa although we are able to live together amicably enough. I do feel lonely and unloved and guess this is causing an underlying atmosphere all the time. I'm fearful to initiate sex as I'm scared of being rejected. I had gynae surgery twice in the past 6 years and after sex, he said he could not feel himself inside me. I'm too scared to try again in case I hear this again. Fair enough he is being honest but there isn't really anything I can do about this.
He is also adopted and he has no real understanding of 'family' life and does as he pleases. I'm not being a martyr or a victim. I don't want my kids to live with divorced parents and am thinking how I can just accept the situ and make the best of it .

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 31-Mar-14 13:21:12

Would you consider seeing a couple's therapist together to talk over all the the issues, and then him/both going to the GP to get checked out to see if there is anything useful in that direction? Low libido can be caused by a variety of things, it could be a symptom of something else or it could be caused by a physical illness and and be causing depression etc.

BuzzardBird Mon 31-Mar-14 13:31:02

Check the internet history.

ineedabodytransplant Mon 31-Mar-14 13:45:37

Same as NotNewButNameChanged. Stayed in a sexless marriage for over 14 years before finally seeing the light.
No affairs, she just wasn't interested in sex sad and I wasted all that time. Also, I was getting ab it bitter about it which doesn't make for a comfortable existence
I'm still not getting any but at least it's not staring me in the face every day

Don't assume an affair, but then don't make the mistake of not keeping your awareness about you. Drinking isn't good for libido, as I know because sometimes I will have a few drinks with the intention of reducing my 'feelings'

ineedabodytransplant Mon 31-Mar-14 13:47:09

Apologies, my attempt at humour with the ' still not getting any' was an abject fail because I missed the smiley face off grin

Madwoman44 Mon 31-Mar-14 14:38:09

No problem about missing off smiley face... I'm in the same boat!
More smiley faces required all round

Darkesteyes Mon 31-Mar-14 16:23:31

I had gynae surgery twice in the past 6 years and after sex, he said he could not feel himself inside me. I'm too scared to try again in case I hear this again


Which i suspect is the reaction he wanted. Which is why he made the comment in the first place... Really low.

Darkesteyes Mon 31-Mar-14 16:27:36

My experience is in this link.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

TheVictorian Mon 31-Mar-14 16:37:39

Seems like your in need of an ann summers range of toys

Dahlen Mon 31-Mar-14 16:39:35

I don't think he's having an affair. I think he's an alcoholic.

If you love him, yourself or your DC, you'd kick him out until he's started addressing that. As long as you continue like this, you're enabling him.

Darkesteyes Mon 31-Mar-14 16:42:42

I dont think thats the same Victorian. Its not that clinical.

ineedabodytransplant Mon 31-Mar-14 16:45:09

darkesteyes,

Very, very low comment. Maybe he's shrunk?

Please, don't be scared to try again, evEry time will be different. And if he makes comments like this, then more fool him.

seriously, would any man, or woman for that matter, make such an insensitive comment?

Dahlen Mon 31-Mar-14 16:47:35

Read Cogito's post above again. You don't want to be divorced? Why? What would possibly be worse in that than what you've living in now? Especially when it could actually be a lot better.

Don't hide behind your children if the reality is that you are too scared to leave for whatever reason. Your children won't thank you for it when they are grown. If you need support to find the courage to leave, you will get it here.

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