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Need to talk about my mum :(

(21 Posts)
RubyRain Sun 30-Mar-14 21:46:47

Sorry this is a repost from another board
As I need to talk to someone immediately and have no replies on other board. This is my first time posting in this section and I'm sorry if it's not appropriate but I need someone to talk to.

My mum died a few years ago. I was 18. Mum wasn't well, she had bipolar disorder, over dosed on her meds once, was in and out of mental health and ordinary hospitals, had arguments with dad etc. so we had a rocky relationship.

I am the youngest of 5 ( brothers and sisters much older than me) so by the time I was 12, all my siblings left home, my mum and dad split up and there was just me and mum at home. I felt so lost and, to be honest, abandoned. My mum said some horrible things to me, that at the time I didn't understand was due to her illness. And I was constantly passed from family member to family member (aunts, not siblings) when she had to go into hospital. As a teen a cut my wrists and self induced vomiting as a way of coping.

As a result I had a fucked up childhood and as an adult I suffer a whole host of physical and mental problems that I am unable to tell anyone about in rl. I feel a cocktail of sadness, pain, emptiness, anger and above all, guilt. I have lovely memories of my mum when I was around 4-8 years old. One that sticks out in my mind is putting a massive blanket down on the living room floor and watching the Sound of Music together.

Those times were wonderful and I cling onto them. I wish I had them back sad . Despite all the problems, she was still my mum and I miss her so much sad sad sad .

All I want is to tell her how sorry I am that I didn't understand that she wasn't well and how much I love her. I am sitting here in tears. My life is in chaos at the min, my job is making me miserable, I have no confidence, everything makes me cry, I don't want to be around my friends, sometimes I just don't want to live anymore and write poetry about what the world would be like if I wasn't here.

I don't deserve to be happy, I made my mum miserable so why shouldn't I be miserable? I'm a hateful person who couldn't understand her mum was sick and now all I feel like is doing is running a bath and "falling asleep in it" iykwim. Of course I would never do it, but sometimes I think about it and then feel relieved at the thought of it

I am a failure of a daughter, of a girlfriend, an employee, and of a human being.

sad

cloudskitchen Sun 30-Mar-14 21:54:22

Ruby I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you are. None of this is your fault. You were 18 when she died. So very young yourself. How could you have possibly known or understood an illness like that at that age. I'm 43 and wouldn't understand it now. I'm sure your mum would be so pleased that you have some happy memories of her. Focus on those and treasure them. Have you ever had any counselling? You so deserve a chance to be happy xxx

something2say Sun 30-Mar-14 21:56:20

No no no sweetheart you are not a failure, you are a baby who didn't have a mum, because your mum was sick and couldn't love you properly xxx

Get to the gp tomorrow. What you are feeling is normal for people who have been thro what you have. There is nothing wrong with you at all. Get to the gp and ask to be referred for counselling. Or look some up.

Everything will be alright you'll see x

somedizzywhore1804 Sun 30-Mar-14 21:57:37

Not your fault. None of it is your fault. I think you need to go to your GP and talk about this- you need some counselling and maybe something to help you through these feelings. Please believe it's nothing you did.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 21:59:43

I think you were very let down by the adults around you as a teenager, you have been through so much and you need proper help to come to terms with it. Hold onto the happy memories you do have and feel free to mourn the ones you should have had x

antimatter Sun 30-Mar-14 22:04:42

I think that perhaps you are still grieving for her loss and finding it difficult at the same time.
We all make mistakes and judge ourselves harshly but living with someone who is mentally unwell is very, very hard.

Big hug for you and I would think you should go and talk to your GP and look for some help in finding counseling. It would help you in short and long term with your emotions.

greyvix Sun 30-Mar-14 22:05:02

OP, you are not a failure, and do deserve to be happy. Your mum was ill and you were a child; please don't be hard on yourself. Despite her illness, your mum will also have some treasured memories of your special times together.
I am not an expert, but you should try to see a counsellor (maybe a bereavement councillor?)- you can arrange that through your doctor. Have you thought about writing a letter to your mum- it may help with your feelings of guilt. Tell her about the good memories that you have.
I am sure you'll get much better advice from others later.

RubyRain Sun 30-Mar-14 22:12:26

Am overwhelmed by your responses- thank you. When my mum died I did go to my go and told her I would like to be have counselling. She put me on anti depressants (which I didn't even want) and wrote down the name of a
Bereavement counsellor a told me to contact them myself. I never had the confidence to do it.

For as long as I can remember I have been smiling through my misery and pretending my life is lovely. I have got so good at it that nobody can even tell that I am severely depressed, not even my dp. I am scared to tell anyone, scared they will think I am lying and attention seeking, even my doctor. How pathetic is that sad

antimatter Sun 30-Mar-14 22:17:05

Don't be scared to open up. I remember feeling the same - wanting to show brave face and always being seen as the one who copes and just gets on with life.
You are still a child of your mum, you are allowed to cry when you are sad.
All those emotions are there and suppressing them is bound to make you "confused" ( I can't think of a better word, sorry). When you are able to be true to yourself and let go of pretending you will heal sooner.
I went through this process and much later than you (in my mid 40's), I wish I did it sooner!

cloudskitchen Sun 30-Mar-14 22:18:57

You deserve to actually be happy Ruby rather than pretending. Please get in touch with the gp and find a counsellor you like. Give yourself a chance x

springydaffs Sun 30-Mar-14 22:27:56

Darling, be brave and call that bereavement counsellor. Perhaps you could say 'I have found it very hard to make this call' as an opener, to let him/her know where you're coming from.

It does sound as though you are grieving, and it also sounds like a 'complex bereavement' ie there are conflicting strands to it. As a little one you were mashed up by a mental illness - your mother's. That wasn't your fault! You have been wounded by it, and you need a professional to help you make sense of it, to come to terms with all you have been through (and continue to go through {{hug}}).

Charley50 Sun 30-Mar-14 23:27:20

Hi Ruby,
Your post makes me feel so sad for you. We have suffered with serious mental illness in my family, and it is very very hard to get over, and to talk about. I haven't had counselling either but sometimes wish I had as it is a tough thing to carry around inside. Your mum loved you but was very Ill and mainly couldn't be the mum you deserved.

None of what happened was your fault and it sounds like you have got to a stage where you really need some counselling to help deal with the aftermath.
Sending you a big hug and please get help to help deal with this. How are you feeling now?

DeriArms Sun 30-Mar-14 23:40:22

I agree with the other posters Ruby. Families and our relationships with them can be so complex, so full of love and pain at the same time. You love your Mum and will always love her, that doesn't mean you have to bury your feelings about how difficult things were. Please know you are not alone. And please take the other posters' advice about seeing counselling as soon as you can. It may help you in processing these feelings and thinking about where to go from here. All the best sweetheart.x

Jux Mon 31-Mar-14 00:51:12

Ruby my lovely, you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. Yes, your mum was sick, but you were too young to be able to fully understand what that meant and you were living and struggling in the middle of it. How could you have a clear view of your own troubles and hers from there? It's not possible at any age, really.

Now you have enough distance to be able see better.

I rang a counselling service a few years ago. Every time the phone was answered (answering machine) I burst into tears and couldn't speak at all. That happened several times. And the first session - once I'd actually managed to arrange one - again entirely spent in tears, not a word came out of my mouth. In the end, though, the counselling was fabulous and made so much difference.

Pick up the phone, make the call. It's the first step that leads to a new, brighter, happy life.

Jux Mon 31-Mar-14 00:51:45

And you are so worth it. thanks

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 31-Mar-14 01:06:55

I'm so sorry to read how you are feeling Ruby today must have been particularly tough for you.

I agree with greyvix, have you thought of writing your Mum a letter and putting all of your thoughts and feelings into it?

I'm surprised your GP didn't refer you for counselling and just gave you a number to call. I know how hard it is to make that call and when you do, to keep that appointment. Do you have 'CRUSE' Bereavement Services near you? I was on a long waiting list as they are completely free and so in high demand but what they offered was group counselling while waiting for a one-to-one appointment. You don't even need to speak but it might help to know that others may be feeling the same as you and it is perfectly normal after what you have experienced.

I love your happy memory of your dear Mum, sitting on the blanket watching a film together, hold onto that. It's often the simplest memories that provide us with comfort. Sadly, you can't have those moments back but they are real, hold onto memories like that.

Are you close to your siblings?

yorkie84 Mon 31-Mar-14 01:46:57

You are not a failure. You have had a terrible time. Losing a parent so young is hard without the additional issues. You do desrve to be happy. Hope you get the help you need x

whogrewoutoftheterribletwos Mon 31-Mar-14 01:55:54

Ruby - we have had very similar experiences though I was 25 when my mum died. I didn't want to read and run and will post a longer reply tomorrow, but please try to find a way to stop feeling guilty. Nothing that happened was your fault. Your mum loved you even if if sometimes her illness made it hard for her to show it properly, or be the best mother to you and as a child you cannot have been expected to understand an illness that many adaults do not recognise. Please, like PPs have said, go to your gp to get help for these feeling you are having.

Covalone78 Mon 31-Mar-14 10:58:06

Ruby - There are numerous opportunities to get counselling for this. Whilst bereavement is a part that needs addressing I suspect there are more deep-rooted issues. Where in the country are you?

A bit annoyed with the GP stance of going down the drug route, that is so unhelpful!

Finally, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! You were growing up, you were being challenged with situations most of us "older folk" cannot deal with effectively. I am shocked that your siblings did not give you more support

dollius Mon 31-Mar-14 12:53:11

You poor thing, your post has really moved me.

To me, you sound terribly depressed.

It was never your fault that you didn't understand what your mum was going through. She was the adult and you were the child and it sounds as if you weren't terribly well looked after when she wasn't around.

I would get that counselling if I were you - if it helps, why not print off your OP and show it to the counsellor - and I wouldn't dismiss antidepressants out of hand. They can be so helpful.

Above all, you are not a failure. On the contrary, you have come through a very difficult childhood and you sound like a really lovely, caring person.

springydaffs Mon 31-Mar-14 17:16:32

You do know that teenagers can be a nightmare, yes? Teenagers without huge issues to deal with can be horrible. Whatever you did, a lot of it was probably teen stuff, but also struggling to come to terms with some very difficult things. Give yourself a break, Ruby, you were just a kid. She loved you and you loved her.

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